So, this topic came up the other night and I have been struggling with it all weekend. My hubby and I went to a party and were talking to some unmarried friends who asked us what our experience with marriage has been like. My husband, who is always full of words and ready to express himself, began gushing about how much he loves me and NEEDS me, and how I made him into a better person. Wow, that was sweet, and I was really happy and warm and fuzzy inside after that. But then they asked me to elaborate on that, and I have a much different way of looking at it. I don't feel that I need my hubby, or that he has made me a better person... Yes, I adore him and I'm so incredibly glad we're together after all this time, but I feel that I am a little more independant. I think it's good to have a stronger sense of yourself than to say you need someone to complete you. I think this hurt his feelers, though, and now that I've said it I kinda feel like an asshole! Not what I was going for at all. Do y'all think I'm harsh, or cold to feel like this? Just curiouse....
it sounds like you were saying you're with him because you want to be with him, not because you need to be. if the need/s were ever taken away, or satisfied, you would still be together. no questions asked. your relationship is stronger than merely satisfying needs. a lot of things can make someone a better person... friends, rehab, art classes... but it's what you choose to let into your life to better yourself that really matters. and what is even more important is what you choose to keep around. you shouldn't feel like an asshole. it sounds like you two are looking at the same picture, but you're fascinated with the colors, whereas he's focusing on the delicate brushstrokes. same picture, different features.
OK... I gotta ask you this, Micheal. Why do you have more respect for a woman with a husband than for a single woman? I haven't changed since I've gotten married, but because there is a man in my life I am now suddenly a better person?? Maybe I misinterpreted what you are saying. If so, please clarify! I don't think I am depriving him of anything, because I love him with all my heart. We share lots of things together and we are as close as ever. I do not use independance as an excuse to have a wandering eye... I was talking about it in terms of being secure enough in who you are to not need anyone else to complete you.
Jessibear, I understand what you are saying completely and you should not feel like an asshole in the least! Im the same way.....anyone I am with, I care for them and of course I cherish the relationship, but I dont feel needy of them or that they in anyway make me a better person or more complete. Im very complete all on my own. And I think that is actually good for my relationship........I think in many ways it makes the relationship much healthier. I have been with guys who were needy (not calling your hubby needy or anything) and have been co-dependent and I couldnt handle it. I felt that it made things a little one sided and we werent on the same page. Plus I like someone who is independent and secure in themself. It's an attractive quality. I dont think you should feel bad at all.
You spoke your truth. Don't feel bad about that. Some people need more emotional attachments than others. Try to reassure him that nothing has changed, you still love him as much as you did the day you married. But, I do think that all relationships need *some* co-dependency. After all, if we didn't need them (for something), why would we have them around???
It's good to be strong, but there's nothing wrong with needing someone else. After all, we're social creatures. If we weren't, we'd all be living in isolation on a mountain top! What often puzzles me though is that on the one hand, hippies talk about the politics of cooperation and holisticism, yet when it comes to relationships, so often it's seen as 'wrong' to need or depend on another person. I could say I don't 'need' my partner, and in the absolute sense it would be true. Without her, life would go on. But that'd have about as much meaning as saying I don't 'need' my right arm. Also, I think our partners should enrich us and make us better people. We should learn through them. They should enrich our lives in such a way that it enables us to grow in a new direction. That's always been my experience, even when that direction has been painful.....
