How Losing My Virginity was just Masturbation

If I told you that I had lost my virginity to a beautiful woman who was willing to do anything from anal to pretty much anything, would you say that considering it just masturbation with a vagina as a sign of insanity? Well, let me explain my story and you can be the judge. Also a note, I am a atheist with little morals so please don't try to attach some spiritual shit to this.

So it all started last week Sunday. I wake up, turn on my computer, and my door bursts open and I get a slap in the face and a order to get the fuck out of my moms basement and to get my shit out ASAP. I'm 18, so what the fuck can I do. I pack a backpack with some clothes and head to a hotel until I can sort out a place to live. But this isn't the important part, just a build up.

So I am sitting in this hotel room on my laptop, depressed as usual. I have had the shittiest day of my life with no fucking idea what the hell I can do. Being a virgin, not having kissed a girl, having no one, I began to think to myself maybe I should just jump out the hotel window and just end this shit. What do I have to lose, and with this though in mind I thought I should fuck someone before I go just so I can experience it. So I go online looking for a hooker to fuck. I buy a really expensive escort to come over and finally take this virginity. What do I have to lose, money is just an object to me. That night she comes over and is absolutely stunning. She was so beautiful that I was confused and horny at the same time. She was so nice and cute, and very understanding of my situation.

So she puts me on the bed and we start kissing. I have no fucking idea what I am doing, I have seen enough porn to have fucking down to the letter but kissing is never explained. After a long 5 minutes of confusion she goes down on me and give me a unprotected blowjob. Then I go down on her, asking for tips and tricks on what is good and bad. Weird yet I appreciated the advice and asked her a lot on how I was doing. When it came down to the fucking, it was great, but that was just about it. I couldn't cum, probably cause I psyched myself out, or the pressure wasn't right, or something but overall she was very impressed and said she couldn't believe it was first time, and I was very good but she didn't sugar coat it and told me my mistakes as well. When she left I was feeling great. I just fucked why wouldn't I be happy. All the previous shit was gone now, I was a man with a christened cock which has faced the trails of the the female genitalia.

So now, 4 days later I feel a little better. The suicidal thoughts which are so common were gone like usual and I am sitting here now writing this. I am just trying to say is that no matter how much you fuck, it won't ever make you happy. Even though I have had sex and kissed a girl, a common thought which I accused of being the cause of my depression, but I still wasn't happy. I still am alone and miserable with not a single person that loves me.

Would you consider that sex is nothing more than masturbating with a vagina if it has no meaning. Even fucking a one night stand means you formed a connection enough for that person to trust you, and that it is a equal responsibility to both partners for each others pleasure. I on the other hand paid money just to have sex, I didn't even have to leave my room. I just sit here alone just as miserable as before.

 

Jack,

even though you paid her for her services, she was another human being, you talked to her etc., not quite the same as masturbation in my opinion.

no kind of sex is gonna cure you from depression (neither will having a girlfriend or having a great job). i've been in your shoes; i thought that if only i could have sex' everything would fall into place somehow. nevertheless, you made a big step, you had the guts to call that hooker, that's not a small feat for someone in your position.

regarding the depression and suicidal thoughts, have you had ever had therapy/counseling? if not, i highly recommend it. the other thing you can do immediately: exercise. it will probably take a week or two until you really feel an improvement, but it just helps. it won't make you feel like you're in heaven, it won't solve all your problems, but you will feel better!

Hope things work out for you!

p.s. If you don't know where to go for counseling, try this site http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=40

 

The suicidal thoughts are just as on and off as everything else, and as easy as suicide would be, I would never go through with it because I'm intelligent enough to know that if I ever get to the stage where I would kill myself, I might as well just become a junkie where my conception of the world would be so skewed I wouldn't even care anymore.

I'm also enlisting in the Canadian forces this year so maybe I can be killed in action and look like a hero. Though I think the military would be good for me and help me get over these feeling, plus it will get me into better shape.

On the note of a therapist, I already have one. Ironically he was the one who got me kicked out when I explained my feeling that I found towards my mother. The irony is hilarious isn't it, how going to a therapist to help does the opposite.

 

are you saying your therapist told your mother things that you told him confidentially? that would definitely be a reason to find another one.

i am not a counselor or anything and i am not on this forum regularly. i just felt i could relate to some of your experiences; so if you feel like discussing this, feel free to pm me. i couldn't figure out how to pm though (maybe my guest status?), but maybe it works the other way round.

 

I don't even remember the last time sex meant anything more than a fun time. You'll get over it, dude. Sex is rad, learn to love it.

 

Don't feel so bad dude, you could be me!

I'm 22 and still a virgin, and i don't see me getting rid of my V-card any time soon (and i'm not even ugly). I have never had a girlfriend Probably due to me never going out and trying to find one, I guess i just don't care about pussy or girls. When i was a teenager all of my time and money went to drugs so i could use (to try and forget life and for fun) and sell (more money for drugs). And now i have replaced affection for someone else with a substance in a needle (fair trade and it cured most of my depression). Every day when i wake up all i can think about is doing an IV shot of my DOC roxicodone. I get butterflies every time i think about or are about to do a shot of oxy, it's like sex to me. I'm the type of person that will always choose a substance over a person. People in general (with girls at the top of the list) have hurt me a great deal in the past and i don't give a fuck if i'm destined to be alone, at least i'll have my roxi!