The Political Humor Dump

Anyone have one of those morph pics of Bush melded with Kerry?

 

Well, I asked for it.

 

A cute story, but not true:

http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

OK. heres one:

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him,
everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug
him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and
waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.

Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never
have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes
over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand,"

stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course
and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time.

Now all there is, a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

 

That article was entitled: The Write Stuff

 

He makes a good point...

 

The Bush Tragedy

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

A Genie Can Do Anything...

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.

Upon examination, he sees that it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.

I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."

The genie replied, "let me see that map again."

 

Osama Bin Laden's Valentine

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

 

Mexican Aid

A 7.5 Earthquake Hits Mexico

150,000 Mexicans die and over a million injured.

The country is in total ruin and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world rises to their aid.

Canada sends troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community sends food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, sent 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

 

Lie-clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

Osama bin Laden and Taliban One-Liner Jokes

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.

 

'George W. Bush & Saddam Hussein

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

 

Wall Around Afghanistan

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

 

Moral Maze

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.







Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice?



Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.























Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler



If you said yes to the abortion question...

...you just killed Beethoven.

 

Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle East

A few handy phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

 

And last, but not least, Shane99X's JOKE OF THE DAY



If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.

If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq. Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Source: John Robbins

 

RESUME - GEORGE W. BUSH ​

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE ​

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been
"lost" and is not available.

MILITARY:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became president after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.--this is true.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.--actually what happened is the World Court is changing into the International Criminal Court--because the US wants to be a part of the court, but not
be open to having the US have charges brought up against them, they have temporarily ceased negotiating with the countries involved in and taking part in the establishment of the ICC. So, in other words, the US wants to be able to establish the laws within the ICC, practice those laws within the ICC, but not have those laws applied to our country.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.--Guantanomo Bay.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most disliked country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world
history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families - in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.

-------------------------------------------------------
more .....

http://www.crikey.com.au/whistleblower/2003/12/03-0004.html