If we choose to have no boyfriend, then what?

Hi all,

I have read other posts on here about people being afraid of being alone, of not finding that amazing relationship and ending up by themselves. I must confess (and not easily btw) that I too do worry about not finding someone i truely love to spend the rest of my life with. But i am starting to make peace that maybe I wont find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but then it strikes me as "ok but then what?" i dont believe men should become your whole life but what happens when you get older, your friends get married and have children etc, you are left sitting at home at night watching tele eating dinner for one?
Ok so we dont have a guy but what will there be to "make up" for it? please dont say cats. I am not saying that we need a guy to complete our lives, i would just like to hear from others about what they think, does not having a man make our lives somewhat less fulfilled or special? Do you consider it "weird" to be alone as you get older? it would be neat to hear from older woman who are single and how not having a guy in their lives makes them feel,

awesome thanks chicas!

 

Okay, first of all if you're only 20 years old, you should not worry about spending your life alone for at least ten years.

Second, not to have a special someone to share your life with does in no way mean your life will have less quality. From personal experience I can tell you that my life has had far greater quality when I've been single than in relationships. To focus your life on someone else will, in my opinion (and experience), ultimately lead to misery for both people.

Relationships started at a young age tend to be disastrous. Find yourself first, then find someone to share your self with - if you want. You don't have to be "alone" even if you don't have a lover. Companions come in many forms, and if you are happy with yourself you won't need someone else to make you happy anyways.

 

I am a rather firm believer that it's really healthy to live in communities. I don't think nuclear familys and monogamy are necessarily the only way- and have not been always seen as so. I think that it's really specail to have all sorts of relationships in ones life, some romantic, some friendly, some serious, some silly, to offer support for all the different needs and parts of each person. Not to say that sometimes people won't have a partner that they want to just be with- but I think that you don't need to just be this boy/girl marrige/kids/house in the suberbs entity. I think that what's the most important is to establish a community of people who support your needs and whose needs you support. Also then you won't just end up getting a divorce and being along, or being stuck if things go rotten, relationships can go bad, but you'll still have this whole structure of love and support.

...that's sort of my feelings on it. I'm just very uninterested in havingg a monogamos relationship, but I do have some relations that would resemble that type of thing, but we define our situation as it goes as a unique situation instead of building it up in a normal romantic relationship sort of way...and i feel really supported in this community that's being built up...

 

The thought of being alone doesn't bother me. Most of my friends joke with my mom and tell her that I will be a cat lady. I don't do well with relationships. I'm not a super needy person and I can't stand being around a person that is. Plus I LOVE being single because I am a flirt. Guys usually don't like that part of my personality - well they like it until they realize that I flirt with everyone and not just them. haha

Don't worry about being alone. Find happiness and then if you want a relationship then look for a guy worthy enough to share your life with you. NEVER settle or both of you will be miserable.

 

Its more that im really challenging the beliefs i have grown up with. It has always been assumed i will grow up, go to college, find a guy and settle down. But so much of what i have done in my life has been unconventional so now i am challenging if what i have grown up believing isnt what is right for me how to create what is right, what other things are out there for me if it isnt a guy to settle down with.

There are so many girls i see that seem to spend their whole lives fussing over men and how to look pretty and attractive so guys will notice them, that is what they spend like their whole selves on, that totally isnt me, its really sad, i wish i could shake them and say "look around you, there is so much more to this world!".

So i guess in this post im just looking for others who are living a not so "conventional" path of meet guy-settle down, what they have chosen, how fulfilled thier lives are etc etc. I really liked what wakingthedawn said about having a community of people to cover different needs in a person because we all need deifferent people to be different things for us at different times, i think what you said dawn was really neat, it gave me a lot to think about... thanks everyone for your replys, they have all given me stuff to think about

 

I was a party girl before this summer, I had many bfs (usualy more then just one), I slept with many guys, I was sure that I don't need a man to compleate me and that I will be alone at least for the 10 years to come. And then, I felt in love. It just happenned and now I think about spending a lifetime with him and having kids, etc, etc.. my point is - we can't make plans and projects. I live in France know, and he's in Macedonia, and we're doing everything we can to stay together. It's hard, and if you d asked my if Im willing to live like this, about 10 month ago - I would say never... You don't choose to have or not to have a bf.

 

If you go into a relationship with that kind of pressure, likely it will fail. You're jumping from one extreme to the next really really quick.

How about starting with being friends with a guy you like and see what develops?

You won't know whether you're going to stay with a guy forever until you die anyway. And at that point, you won't know either 'cause you'll be dead. iggy: All we can really do in a relationship is enjoy each day...much like when we're single.

 

And this is why the standard marriage vow has the ending clause, "till death do us part" and not "Forever and ever, happily ever after."

 

It's really wonderful when people fall in love, and when they believe in monogamy and that's the right lifesyle for them, but I think it is a misonception that it's just a stage. For example, being non monogamous is not necessarily being a party girl who sleeps with many different people- it can be if that is what you are into, but it is assuming that monogamy is just the natural process of life, and as we become more understanding of the way we are socialized into our cultures we are learning not to take things like that for granted. For example, I am very in love right now, me and that person are together, but nto in a monogamous relationship, I have different relationships with different people- not to say that I fuck them all, and this is the way my community believes in doing things and it's really wonderful- and there's been many cultures in history before the colonial whitewash that did the same. I'm not saying one day I won't fall in love in a way that I want to have a person being my PRIMARY partner, but I believe a lot is lost in exclusivity. Of course not saying anyone will know what they will want in 10 years or anything like that, but I know what my values are and getting married to one boy (or girl) does not really work with them.

 

I got married when I was 17 1/2...have now been divorced for 11 1/2 yrs.
Almost got married a second time..but that didn't work out.

I am now glad to be single and have no problem with the idea of spending the rest of my life single.

 

I have been single for the majority of my adult life, if you add up the spells of 'single' time. I have no problem having my own house and doing a lot of things as a single person, and some things are even a positive benefit. Don't be afraid of being alone.

 

I think if you look at it as looking for another person to enrich how you envision your future, rather than taking away your future you'd have an easier time with someone becoming your 'whole life'.
I think if my husband left me, I would be very sad, for a very long time, but it wouldn't change my plans, I would still have kids and have the same kind of job I have now etc.

 

Why the assumption that when you get older you arent going to be able to attract men?

I have a great aunt who is 84, her husband died 12 years ago, since then she has had three boyfriends.

The mother of my brothers girlfriend is mid 50s, she is divorced and we see her with a new male friend every so often.

Sure at 60 you are not going to turn heads like a 20 year old, but so what? Doesnt stop you going out having fun, keeping active, enjoying life.

Its far more about confidence and attitued than what you look like, that confidence comes from wanting to be around men just for the sake of being around men rather than landing a partner, not confidence from what you look like.

Even at 20, if you are pretty and no fun, then they are just going to pay attention to you for nookie for a month or two then ditch you for someone that is fun.

If you are going to be 60, still berating them for looking at other women and dont have the time for them if they dont express their undying love within a month, then you will doom yourself to ending up lonely

 

Thats an awesome way to look at it. Almost existential in a way, live for each relationship as it comes and love it for what things it adds to your life. If you have an array of different sorts of relationships and they all form to what you need, then life is good! Sometimes it seems like there is too much pressure to form the ultimate relationship with The One and Only

 

I broke up with my fiance of 3 years last spring. It totally crushed me and I realized that I gotta wake up and change some things and so did he. I've pretty much been single since then...I dated a few people, but nothing that I took too seriously. Honestly, I enjoy being alone right now. I can do what I want when I want. I'm in no rush to find someone...if someone comes into my life, then that'll be great...but for right now I feel I'm cursed when it comes to men and I feel that I'm meant to be alone right now...these guys that have been wandering into my life and treating me like shit is a sign that I'm supposed to be selfish right now considering how hard the break up was with my fiance.

Don't worry about being single forever...soon enough, someone will find their way into your life and you'll be happy. If you choose to be alone forever, so be it...but don't count on it! There are plenty of great people out there that wouldlove a shot with you!

 

I will be alone for the rest of my life. I just dont see myself sharing my life with anyone but my dogs and family, and even my family Ive cut off except for my sister.
I have been alone for 8 years now, and have never been happier.
I am as free as one can be. I am a very simple person, and as well surround myself with simple people. Most relationships with men come with complications, which turns into drama at one point or another, and I dont do drama.
I get along better with men, in a friends only setting. I admit, some of these men have become friends with benefits, and once they became possesive, i ran.
Nobody owns me. I own me. and thats the way its gonna stay.

I made the mistake of falling in love for the second time a few months ago, with a man I though was as close to being simple as a man could be, but of course he turned out to be a liar and very childish. he deemed himself a "nice guy", and even at almost being 30 years old, he still has alot of growing up to do, and I aint trying to be anybody's momma.
Just because you are alone doesnt mean you have to be lonely. Id rather have a good friend than a boyfriend. in the long run, who do you think will be there for you?

 

i enjoy my solitude. its important to figure out yourself before involving another in your life. in your 20's you are still growing up in so many ways, you dont even know yet what kind of person you are compatible with.

i do beleive in young love however. i just think its something that happens, not something to strive to obtain. it doesnt work that way.

 

I was going to say "just stock up on batteries" but that does sound a bit too flippant a response. The idea is, do not confuse friendship, companionship, love, and sex. It's nice if you can get them all in one bundle... but many people don't... and very few can have it all throughout their lifetime. My husband is my true love and my best friend and sex with him is absolutely awesome but I know the statistics about male vs. female average lifespans and in addition he is eight years older than me and so I have to accept the fact that at some point (hopefully not until we're both past 100) I will lose him but that does not mean I will not have friends and companions, male and female, dear friends whom I will love like brothers or sisters and casual friends and every shade in between. Maybe you will suddenly meet the right person and spend sixty wonderful years together. Maybe you won't meet the right person until you are sixty. Hey, having a few dear loving friends and maybe a couple of friends-with-benefits might suit you. I don't know. You have to go out and figure things out yourself. Just remember, it's not all or nothing. Life is not one of those silly chick flick movies -- not that it's not fun to to drink wine and watch one of them with friends once in a while -- just don't expect them to have anything to do with reality.

 

Honey, you meet the right man by getting out and living! You get out, you live your life, establish a great career for yourself, make connections with the right people, travel everywhere from Booragoon to Tennessee, and you'll be shocked at the things you see and the people you meet, and how many of those experiences are absolutely fabulous. It's a big world out there, kiddo. Live it up. You'll find that man, but until you do, live life to the fullest, and your energy will draw him in.

 

Spirit,
we are all fundamentally whole

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4017575694786982697&hl=en&emb=1#