Greetings. I will be 22 in two weeks and I am still a virgin. Not only that, but I have never had a girlfriend and never even kissed a girl. This is mainly because I suffer from social anxiety disorder. Despite this I feel a profound sense of inadequasy and personal failure. All the time I see couples everywhere and it just makes me feel alone and alienated. I look at myself and I honestly can't see how any women could ever find me attractive. I know that this is probably my low self asteam talking, but it still makes me feel incredibaly lonely. I can't help worrying than no one is ever going to love me. Often I'll be hanging out with my friends and they'll all be talking about sex and I feel so alienated, like I'm some sort of freak. I just want to be a normal person, but I feel a genuine phobia towards any kind of sexual relationship.
I have social anxiety as well, but I started dating young (11), which I feel was a big help in teaching me to deal with people, so I guess I was lucky I attracted enough guys to do that way back when. I was also lucky enough to have a best friend who would regularly drag me out of my cave to socialize. In time, I found a nice guy who took an interest in me. He was very outgoing, and at first I was quite weary of starting a relationship, but eventually, I told myself this was NOT going to run my life anymore. I was going to overcome it, and this was going to be my first step. I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. It was hard at first, and I would regularly have panic attacks, but I was honest with him at the beginning and he was very understanding and accommodating. We've been together for over 3 years now. I was very lucky to have all the breaks I did. Like you, I couldn't understand what people saw in me. I had days where I was intensely narcissistic and then others where I felt like Quasimodo. Both made me feel like an ugly basket case who would never find happiness with another person and should probably just get used to staying at home reading and surfing the internet. But shit happens and we change. You have to learn not to worry about shitty people, and always be on the look-out for those who are understanding. And most importantly, you can't run scared when you see a chance with someone. I almost made that mistake, and believe me, I truly believe it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Well, maybe not Hitler, but you can't be that bad... Before I end this post, I'm going to give you my own personal tips for surviving social anxiety (take it from someone who's had 10 years experience and research- I know what the hell I'm talking about... maybe I should post this in the social anxiety thread over in the mental health forum): How I got through social and general anxiety: You can’t get instant validation for every negative feeling you have. You can try, but will most often fail, and it will only drive people away, making you feel more alone. Save it and write it down- in some brilliantly articulated essay or a crappily written livejournal entry. Get it out of you. Then you can forget it, because if it’s important enough to remember, you can always put it aside, take a break from it, and then come back and decide if it’s worth it. It may also help you figure out what about it upset you and why, and how to articulate your feelings if you feel you've been wronged. Know when to put up walls. Separate from things that upset you if you have no power over them. Distract yourself with anything rather than ruminating. You don’t owe anyone your time. If you need time to breathe, think, detach, or go into your own little world, do it, but choose these times wisely. If you do it all the time, you become a recluse. Don’t do it enough and you’ll snap. Try things you’ve been avoiding. Just plow through it. You’ll be surprised what you can get though, and possibly even come to like. It’s much harder than it sounds, but nothing compares to the pride and relief you feel when it’s done. It also gives a basis of comparison for the future… “I did this, so I can do it again. I did that, so this might not be so hard. If I could get through that, I can get through anything.” Don’t think so damn much (about your own awkwardness, stuff that pisses you off, your regrets, your fears, etc). Practice thought-stopping. If you sense yourself going down a dark path, redirect your attention. It takes a lot of self-discipline, but it becomes easier as you do it continually. No one’s perfect. It’s only human to slip up now and then. Keep guidelines for yourself, not LAWS. Don’t punish yourself if you make a mistake, but do recognize when you do. Learn from it. Own up to it, vow to do better, and then forget it. I'm not a doctor of any kind (took one Psych class two years ago). I'm just a fellow sufferer giving my own account of how I've learned to cope while struggling with this disorder and still trying to maintain some sense of self. I don't claim to offer any miracle cures, as this isn't that kind of deal. It's a lifelong struggle, but it does get easier. You have to start somewhere. Friends can help. Keep the ones whom you feel you can confide in close. You're not a freak. You're not crazy. Social anxiety is just a holdover from caveman days where expulsion from the pack meant death at the mercy of the elements. It's instinctual, but it can be overcome. Hope I've helped a bit and not come off as an arrogant bastard. I know this was long-winded. Sorry 'bout that, but this is something I feel strongly about. You also may want to try googling "avpd".
Social Anxiety Disorder. I dated a guy with that. He had never kissed a girl either~ he's 20. I'm just saying this to let you know you're not alone. Having a "phobia" of sex isn't that bad, either. I would guess that would go away when you find someone to spend your time with anyhow -- it might take months, but what healthy relationship launches into sexual relationships right away? Sorry if I sound like an obvious virgin to everyone else who reads this xP This is just a question out of curiosity... Do you have problems opening up to people after you get to know them?
Wow.....never kissed a girl? Ever?? I've known some 20+ year old virgins, but they never got laid because they didn't want to have sex with whores and their relationships always broke down before enough time had passes to get close. But never kissed a girl? My best bud at University first two years had SP, although I call it SAD now...it fits. It's really hard to get over it, most people never do actually, they just make friends who have the same problem, more girls than you know have SP, so you can make it easier for yourself by hooking up, now obviously finding SP girls is hard when you're not at College or University, cause all you have to do is make friends with some people at a townhouses, there's some big ones, and then you can find those quiet girls out. The best part about dating an SP girl is there's very little chance they'll break up with you once you earn their trust, this is not to say I exploited women in this situation, but a lot of guys do, ever wonder why some pretty girls stay with assholes? It's because they're afraid of being alone. So, I don't know your situation, might want to detail a bit.
I have a friend who is a 27 yrs old and he's still a virgin. Never kissed a girl and never had a girlfriend. He doesn't even have social anxiety and he's someone who is well liked by a lot of people. I never really asked him why he doesn't just go fuck someone though. He's not gay either. But you say you have social anxiety (I have really bad social anxiety, actually) but do you tell your friends you never hooked up with anyone before or do you keep that a secret with a fear of being judged? Just curious.
anon, sweetie, i'm sorry that people are being rude and sarcastic. just remember that the universe tends to unfold as it should. yes, i'm quoting a movie but its totally true. you will find a wonderful woman when the time is right. i would just guess you should talk to a doc in the meantime.
Hey, honey. It's not really the end of the world, don't worry. I know a lot of people who hit their dating stride when they were 28 or older. And I know a lot of people who are that age and haven't hit it yet, but are really amazing people if they just looked deep into themselves and see it without all the negativity. You aren't Al Capone and you aren't Emperor Nero either—and those men could even get girls for themselves! So just hang in there and try to rediscover how amazing you are everyday. For a start, hey, we could be friends =)
There are many reasons why I won't "pay for the shit" as you so eloquently put it (seriously, did you think of that turn of phrase all by yourself? Wow...lol). However, if I had to single out one solitary reason...I guess it would be because I have respect for women and I'm not a shallow ****. Any more questions?
Ohmigosh ! I stumbled across your post and it sounded so familiar !! You tend to act in social situations the same way I do. I never heard of this SAD before so I looked it up I read the symptoms, and it described me to a tee! So that’s why I’m like this ! I’m incredibly shy, have confidence issues, hate crowded places or big parties, uneasy when meeting new people and networking… WOW, this makes a lot of sense! …..and probably explains why I find it hard to commit – not that there has been a lack of interest from others. It’s just that more often then not, my fear gets in the way – and at the first chance I get, I run as far as I can lol There is like a one year age difference between you and I (age on profile not real), and I can totally relate to your current situation. I get where you’re coming from. Be patient and you’ll find someone. Btw, my friends talk about their sex lives all the time… makes me feel like such an outcast. Sometimes it seems silly, all I can do is laugh at yourself – like now lol Thanks you for sharing – I have a better understanding about myself today because of you. FireflyInTheDark “this was NOT going to run my life anymore.” - Great advice! MaximusXXX “The best part about dating an SP girl is there's very little chance they'll break up with you once you earn their trust” - how on earth do you know this ? sometimes I feel other people know me better then I know myself… ravemyass “but do you tell your friends you never hooked up with anyone before or do you keep that a secret with a fear of being judged? Just curious.” - I tell my girlfriends, their pretty understanding and we have a bit of a laugh and giggle – cause sometimes I know I do sound silly - and think I’m extremely picky when it comes to dating guys... (they have a point) Although i didnt realise that there was an actual name for it and that others suffer from it too. I’m so over the depression-feeling-sorry-your-self stage, just made me feel worse and got me not where. So I refocused my thoughts to be more positive and just have fun. Might me different opening up if you’re a guy with SAD though.
yes.. how is paying a willing and independent woman for it disrespectful? the term 'shallow ****' is more disrespectful imo.
I have a slightly more radical therapy in mind. I guarantee positive results. Go to a large, upscale, urban strip club, and talk to as many of the girls as possible. A weekday afternoon is best, when they have plenty of time on their hands. They make absolutely no money until they talk you into buying a lap dance, so they will find ways to make you feel very confident and good about yourself. Sound like totally worthless bullshit? Not quite. The older girls (28+) tend to be highly skilled at talking to guys, which includes sizing us up in efficient and pragmatic ways. They want their sales pitch material to be believable, so they will try to find something legitimately good about you to compliment. That's your first useful piece of information. What they find positive in you is what you need to play up about yourself, to other women. While it's true that they are handing you a professional line, the strippers are also human, so they will respond more positively to some things than others. You can get by with saying almost anything nonviolent to them, so try out any line or conversational concept that has ever crossed your mind, while you have a risk-free opportunity. If you say something truly brain-dead and offensive, probably the worst feedback you will get in return is a mild verbal rebuff and a polite smile. You can ask any kind of sex question. You can't think of anything they haven't been asked before. If they perceive you as a sensitive guy, they may also choose to unload on you about bad experiences with men, and/or things that men do to piss them off. They have plenty of stories, since they have lived about sixty years' worth, in thirty years. Inflated egos make them want to talk endlessly about themselves and their insights into human nature. Take mental notes. In short, we are talking about a goldmine of information here; cross-sexual learning in fast-forward mode. Just don't make the mistake of letting them know in advance what you want the answers to your questions to be. They will tell you precisely what you want to hear. They are working to make money, not to teach you about women, so you have to manage that conflict of interest. Buy a couple of dances and remember to tip generously. Don't let yourself feel embarrassed about anything that happens. They have seen and heard it all a thousand times, and they honestly don't care. They will not remember you next week. I know somebody will want to tell me that I'm encouraging you to take advice from the wrong kind of women, but I think you will be able to figure out what to ignore. You will also be surprised at the wide range of personality types found there. As a group, they have some issues, but you only need to pick up about 10% of their ability to connect with the opposite sex. DISCLAIMER: The above only applies to upscale topless clubs. Inside the nasty little all-nude clubs, expect to find drug-addicted amateur prostitutes who can barely speak a complete sentence. And if a dancer gives you a card with her cell phone number, throw it away in the men's room.
