How do i make friends? I'm extremely shy, and a bit neurotic about what people think of me. I just find it almost impossible to make any friends, let alone talk to people. How do you do it? I don't know, maybe making friends isn't that hard, but what should i talk about? Most of the things i am interested in are deep subjects and various intellectual subjects, which most people wouldn't even bother talking about. I wish i knew what to talk about, but i just don't know. Ill simply break down my problems. 1. I'm completely insecure(about my body, appearance, personality and everything in between) 2. I don't know how to make friends, maintain a friendship, or what to do with a friend. 3. I don't even know how to talk to people, let alone what to talk about. I cant find anything that would be interesting to discuss with other people. 4. I'm so socially retarded, that i don't even know how to approach people. I worry that i come off too strong, or just creepy. Alcohol tends to alleviate these problems, or at least, makes me care less about it, but id rather solve them more naturally. I'm not really an alcoholic, my problems are more related to this forum. Maybe i have some sort of social anxiety, i don't know. What do you think?
It could be social anxiety, but that would be more of fear and not insecurity. i think that your being too hard on yourself and overthinking it. try going out and not be overwelming to ppl, just relax.
Find people that are interested in deep or intellectual subjects. They're out there. The difficulty with this kind of insecurity is that you will likely interpret any little thing as rejection when it may not be at all, like a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like you're looking for signs of rejection and will read that into whatever may be going on during the communication. This will stunt the growth of a relationship. You'll need to address your mental and emotional difficulties if you want to have a healthy relationship with others. If you're interested in taking responsibility for your mental and emotional health then send me a PM and I can give you some suggestions how to address this. You can get past social anxiety and awkwardness. It's a matter of changing your mind, seeing things differently and learning some skills. It can be and has been done before. You're not doomed.
What do you reccomend Bluesafire? For some reason, i cannot pm you. But feel free to tell me whatever you will, as long as its fine with you. Thanks
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Do you work/college/ etc..... I mean do yo actually get out? thats not meant to be sarcastic I guess Im just blunt. Its hard to comment so much when I dont know your full circumstances. If I knew a little more I could maybe give you some advice?
I do go to community college, but its boring as hell, and i just cant seem to find fertile ground to connect with people, unless i am not looking in the right places. Other than that, i do stay at home, simply becasue i live in a typical upper middle class suburb that hangs off one of the USA's most polluted cities. Not much to do around here, atleast nothing that is free. No parks, only shoppping parks. Plus, i dont know anyone who knows of cool things to do around here, so its a bit of a terrible cycle. I wouldnt mind chilling with you bbad, if you happened to be living in houston.
your post says "bbad" when I quote it...but "brad" when I copy/paste it...thats kinda freaky...and Im far from Houston
At a glance, i thought your account name was "Brad", but then i double checked, and edited so i wouldnt confuse anyone, or make myself look like a retard, lol.
I think your only option is to try to make friends with the ppl you 'think' you have nothing in common with. You might find that on the inside they are intellectual and clever and you may share the same views as you. They may also introduce you to others that may be more suited to you? Other than that what else....move? Join clubs etc which is hard if you are nervous but.... In answer to your reasons... 1. Insecurity.Take time out and do somehing to make yourself feel good,hair or clothes etc......anything that makes you feel better about yourself and remember we are who we are and we are stuck with ourselves forever.No-one is intirely happy with themselves even though some ppl will appear confident they still have issues too. 2.dont worry bout 'making' friends you are prob trying too hard just be generaly friendly and smiley and honest. 3.Sometimes just a friendly smile can spark a conversation,access the situation if someone does not want to talk you can usually pick up on the signals.Talk about the weather or anything it sounds boring but it could lead to the best convo ever! 4,This is where I think you are thinkin toooo much.Your obviously worried and stressed thats why you are thinking these things. Chill out breathe and think happy things, so what if you talk to someone and they are not interested.....how many other million other ppl are there in the world to talk too?(thats what i always think). The more you TRY to talk to ppl the easier it will become. Hope this helps you
I may be presuming a bit too much here... I think your an introvert. Someone who tends to be shy, withdrawn, quiet. 25% of the population is introverted. There are various degress from lightly introverted to extremely introverted. To be an introvert is not a bad thing. In many ways it can be a good thing. It is normal, as normal as it is to have dark colored skin or white colored skin. Theres nothing wrong with you. To shy away from social activities is part of you. Part of introversion is caused by genetics, meaning that you will always be that way to some degree. That doesn't mean you can't have friends or engage in social activities though. That just means you won't be able to handle it as much or as long as say an extrovert. Bascially what I'm saying is don't feel discouraged or think bad of yourself for having a hard time with social activities, its just part of who you are. Knowing how to approach people, or what to say can be thought of as a skill. Skills can be learned. The more you practice the skill the better you'll be at it. The more you practice being social the better you'll be at it. Eventually you'll be great at approaching people and talking to them appropriately. One of the most important things you can do is accept yourself. When you love yourself you won't be so concerned with how others see you, and you will be able to fully focus on interacting with others. You have to work with what you were given. Certain things you can improve upon if you deem necessary. If you don't like your body, work out! Even personality traits can be changed over time. A neurotic person can be less neurotic. Many times people act or think a certain way because its habitual. Try to be aware of your thoughts. When you catch youself thinking a neurotic thought such as "I think I'm making a bad impression on this person", stop it! Replace that thought with a postive reaffirming thought. Break that self defeating, habitual thinking. A good way to practice associating with others is through online chatting. You don't have to worry about what others think of you so much because physically they are not with you. Theres almost always a good way to start a conversation, because you almost always have something you both can relate to. You can talk to your coworkers about your work. You can talk to anyone in your city about weather. I've found that people like talking about themselves. Ask questions. When you get an answer, ask a question about the answer. And so on. You don't even have to be necessarly interested in what the topic is. You can learn alot about someone. Maybe something that you both are interested in. I'll be honest, I have a hard time with people also. Perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice. I used to be quite socially awkward, but I'm alot better now. There was just certain things I've learned about myself, and life in general that just made it so much easier. If you have any questions or just want to talk feel free to hit me up my friend.
Hi, I forgot you have a low post count and there's a minimum requirement before you can send someone a PM. I forget what that minimum # is. Anyway, here's the basic premise of what I was going to suggest, to get you started. I've got a lot more "tools" up my sleeve which I'd be happy to share with you depending on your level of interest in having a more functional and peaceful life experience. But you're the driver here... and it's completely up to you. Part of the problem that you and many others have is that you/they are completely at the mercy of the mental noise in their heads. The thoughts that never stop, and that tell us all kinds of things.. and then we believe those thoughts as if they were gospel. That belief is what gets us in trouble because we are rendered weak and impotent in life because of it. The moment we stop and REALLY question those thoughts is when we regain our sense of inner strength and power, because through the act of questioning and dispelling that gospel we are freed up to be who we really are...uninhibited...and live naturally. Here's a little easy process for you. I suggest that you take some time for yourself periodically where you can be free of outside distraction, and really look at the thoughts that come up... especially those that say things about you and other people. I encourage you to write them down... the thoughts and beliefs. Then, as you look at each one in turn, ask yourself this: 1) Is it true? Is it absolutely true without a shadow of a doubt? Be like a lawyer here who is giving their closing argument and reminds the jury that a conviction can only come without a reasonable doubt. Now at first your mind may yell out "yes it's true". But then really ask yourself if you know absolutely that it's true. 2) How do I react when I believe that thought? What happens to you when you believe the thought that you're examining right now? How does it make you feel? How does it cause you to behave in life? Think of all the ramifications of having believed that thought. Think of how it feels inside, what it does to your relationships, what it prevents you from doing.. in all areas of your life. 3) Who would I be without that thought? Really imagine yourself without that thought and belief. What would you feel like? Who would you be? How would you be in life differently? How would it feel to be free of the influence of that thought? 4) Can you think of a good reason to keep that thought? So if you don't know that it's absolutely true, and you can see how it makes you feel and what it causes in your life, and if you can imagine how good it would feel without it... can you still think of a helpful and valid reason to hang on to that thought? Could it be that you can just drop it, KNOWING that it's not true and it was just a thought that's been playing in your mind over and over, probably planted there by who knows who way back when. The process that I just described is taken from Byron Katie's "The Work" and can be found here if you want to explore this in more depth. She has many free tools on her website that are quite helpful. Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with. Good luck to you.
The hard thing about forging relationships is that you need to change your life in order to create them. But you also need relationships in order to change your life. I find myself in that conundrum right now. If you don't have friends, I'd bet your productive life is at a standstill too. The insecurities are also both cause and effect. I'd start from where you are now. You certainly have a relationship you're overlooking And talents I just reconnected with a good friend from college. We talk almost every day and it's helping motivate me in every aspect of my life as well as providing me with emotional support with the bullshit.
Woodwind, Man, have I been you. First of all you have to realize you are who you are. Look in the mirror and realize your alright, a good soul, will make a great friend. Take a nice hot shower, shave, get yourself set to have a great day. Go take a walk, walk until you feel sturdy on your feet. Go look in the mirror. Damn right your feeling and looking good. Do this for a month if that's what it takes. For the rest of your life you have to carry you. It gets easier. Be light about every little thing you think is wrong about you. We all have quirks. Learn to make light of them. Laughing at yourself feels good. You go to Community College? When your ready, and hopefully a day or two before, invite someone to lunch. Offer to buy. Even if you end up eating alone your well on your way. Don't worry about being smooth. Be the kind of person you would want to be friends with. I don't mean to cut on you, but I saw in one of your earlier posts the reference retard? Some of the coolest people you will ever meet walk through bigger challenges than you will ever know.
there are a lot of people that are interested in talking to people about deep and intellectual things, they are somewhat hard to find, but when you do find them you have a good connection and could talk for hours. i'm insecure about myself, but i try and think i don't have a choice in my appearance, and there has to be people out there worse then me. you could have social anxiety disorder. alcohol makes you let your guard down, that's why sometimes when people drink they are a lot more comfy with everyone around. you just probably have to find someone that is like you, for me to make friends i like to get into their head a bit and check out what's going on before i make myself noticed or put my words in. i am very good at making friends, but i am really picky with people i am friends with. you just have to meet the correct people that fit with your mind. iggy::cheers2:
Yes, listen to this man. I too was like you out of high school. For me it took several steps to get over: 1) hanging out with drunk friends for a year and learning their ways and how to somewhat fit in with them (but i was still always the quiet one) 2) spending a year basically alone, socializing in a MMORPG and talking with my dad and that was about it 3) recovering by hanging out with my drunk friends again for a year or so 4) moving in with a secure friend who has a house and a wife and kids, learning how to act in such a situation, lived there for a year 5) forcing myself into tough social situations. I took a speech class, performance classes, choir, etc. 5) got my own place and spent a couple months alone, just thinking about shit and sorting out my goals and how to achieve them. remembering the good things i did in all those experiences and how to do other things better. Learning life mottos for myself, things to live by. Learning how to be myself as a compilation of all my experiences, instead of being someone else. 6) finally reached security in all social aspects of life. except dancing. but at least i can talk and enjoy myself. Basically, Experience as much of the world as you can... Center yourself, learn from it... then experience more. I've had many epiphanies on the road to recovery, but the one that probably changed my life around more than any of the others was this: "I don't want to look back at my life in my older years and have any regrets. Life is short and i need to experience everything the world has to offer while my body is still young. One thing I will never regret is trying and failing, failing can only make me better on the next attempt. I would only regret never trying at all. Try."
