Ex-boyfriend...straight to bi to gay...please take the time to read and comment

The Back Story (not the main point of this thread, but helps lend an idea to what I'm going to be talking about, not necessary for you to read this part, but it would help you to understand):

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up a few months back. We were in a seemingly good relationship. We had what most people hope for...trust, respect, compassion and excellent communication, etc. When you have open communication, sometimes you hear things that you don't want to hear, and that is where my story begins.

One night while we were cuddling on my couch downstairs he told me that he was bisexual (I prefer the term ambi-sexual...but that's for another thread). I let this idea settle in my mind a bit, and for the next few weeks or so everything was fine. We went along as if he had never said that, and resumed our usual activities...hanging out, cuddling, talking, etc. Around the same time he came out about being bisexual, he also admitted to me that he was a "Furry". I learned that he felt as if he had the soul of an animal, a leopard to be exact, and I learned that there were many others out there like him. I knew he had always been a fan of "big cats" (lions, tigers, leopards, etc.), but as I learned more about this connection he felt with them...well I got a little worried. I try to keep an open mind about most things...I tend to use the phrase, "it's not my bag, but I ain't knockin it" often in conversation. Well, once again everything seemed to be fine.

Later, when he told me that he had met another bisexual Furry...or "furson"..., and that they had been talking in a sexual way to one another. I believe that when it comes to cyber sex "talkin ain't touchin, so it definitely ain't cheatin". Once again, I took it in and we went about our usual routine of spending time together, etc.

One night we were cuddling and I asked him what he was thinking about. At first he was reluctant to tell me, and then finally gave in to my questions. He admitted that he had been fantasizing about the two of us being an a threesome with his friend that he had met online (we had not had sexual intercourse in the 15 months we were together), and I really started feeling almost threatened by his new interests. I am a one man girl, and the idea of him wanting another person in the picture really shook me up.

I forgot to mention that when we would hang out, we often played video games together, and he would bring his laptop to my house to play and swap music and such. This is significant, because when we were not playing against eachother or sharing files, he would spend a lot of time speaking to his new online friend. I almost felt...jealous? I guess is the best word to use here, because he was conversing with this guy online while it was OUR time to be together.

Finally I couldn't deal with my feelings that I was giving him 100% of my time and compassion, and he was giving me 50% and his new online friend 50%, so we had "the talk". I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to say, and by the end of the night we were over for good.

After that night we talked to eachother once or twice on the internet. It wasn't like old times anymore, just a "Hey! How are you?" kind of thing. One day he decided it would be ok to tell me about his new adventures in meeting up with other bisexual Furries in our state, and some of the things they had been doing together. When he told me this I was both angered and shocked! It's not a great experience to have to listen to your ex tell you about his new sexual adventures with other people. I told him that, and we stopped talking for a while after that.


GET TO THE POINT ALREADY:

My ex and I just re-opened communication between eachother. We want to try to keep the few threads of our general friendship together, and we've talked about a lot of things. This time when he mentioned his new "sex life", I was not so bitter, so I didn't stop him when he went into a little too much detail for my liking. He told me straight out that he is fully gay now, and no longer has any sexual attraction towards women. We talked about other things such as making sure he's protected, and making sure that he can defend himself if anything should happen (he meets his partners from online, and it's difficult to fully know someone just from the internet).

It just seems to me that he's making all these very big life changes in such a short time span...it's been maybe three or four months since we've broken up, and after we broke up he dove into his new chosen lifestyles. I was wondering if anyone else here has experienced that many big lifestyle changes in such a short amount of time. He told me that his father thinks it's just a phase, but I'm not so sure it's something he will grow out of. I don't want him/or expect him to change who he is now, so please don't misunderstand me. He seems to be a much happier person, and although he tells me he is still trying to find out who he is, if I know him as well as I think I do, then he won't be changing his mind anytime soon.

I am in no way against homosexuals, bisexuals, transgendered individuals, etc. As I said earlier, "it's not my bag, but I ain't knockin it". It was difficult when I learned about this person that I had been in love with (to the extent of what I know love to be at the age of 19), and that I had been very intimate with (we didn't have sexual intercourse, but did engage in oral sex and mutual masturbation and such).

I wanted to hear what some of you folks had to say about this whole thing. Has anyone had any kind of similar experience? It has done some psychological damage to me I'll admit, my self esteem has decreased, but luckily I've been seeing a therapist for the past few years, and he's been helping me. I don't think I mentioned that this guy was my first serious relationship...I had never had any kind of boyfriend before him.

If you got to this line, Congratulations! I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my story, and if you are so inclined please leave a comment.

 

this site may help you understand the whole furry thing: http://forum.werewolfcafe.com/


And before I came out as gay I dated a girl. Not because I was attracted to them but because I was scared of people (mainly my parents) finding out, so she was sort of my safety net. I am so sorry you had to go through with that. Maybe when our world is less anti-gay, gay people wont feel scared into pretending to be straight.

 

Shawn, thanks for the comment. I'm still in the process of trying to understand the Furry lifestyle...thanks for the link.

 

No prob. I'm not a furry but the site sure is interesting, LOL

 

Well, I'm quite blunt when it comes to these things.

It's great and all that you two are talking again, really it is! How many people have a good ending to a relationship? But... going into details with you especially when you're neither gay nor bisexual nor have a interest in homosexual antics, is like throwing his sexuality in your face and rubbing it around so you feel like shit, to be honest. I mean, I've just recently told my ex-girl friend that I am gay, but we dated a while back, but it was a intense relationship. We're closer than ever, but I don't tell her everything about my sexual experiences with other men, it's plain rude and ignorant.

I'm not sure I want to know what a furry is, so I'll miss that link out for now

However, regardless if society is anti-gay (or homophobic), it's very immoral to use a girl as a tool just because you can't come out to people. I know coming out is a very sensitive topic and is different for everyone, but to everyone reading this and thinking of dating a girl to save their skins, don't. You nor your girl friend will thank you for it. It leads to more pain and suffering in the end.

I've had a slight problem like this before, she's a year younger than me in school - far too young to know what true love is. But she "magically" fell in love with me over night, and procedingly kept asking me out. I denied every time, but not in a horrible way. She'd tell me she'd cry all night then ask me the next day, eventually I told her I was gay. She didn't leave me alone, but she tried to commit suicide. I have no guilt; why? Because I have done nothing wrong. If she wants love, go for the straight people! However, I'm digressing, my point is, you have done nothing wrong, can'tsmokenomore: He has. Remember that!

 

cantsmoke,

Annoying isnt it, relationships shouldnt be about sex, but in one way sex is the most important part, guys are supposed to be the ones all about sex, you want to be angry at part of him, but in the end he is a guy that was into you before whats in your pants

Sucks now, but I think later you'll look back on this relationship with fondness


I wouldnt worry about self esteem issues, whether they are aware they are gay or not a guy not so interested in the sexy is likely to focus on more pretty / cool, still going to pick a girl other guys get jealous of for the cover girlfriend

 

Like Shawn had said, maybe he had these feelings all along for men and it just took him sometime to want to explore them. I waited until I was 21 to have a real relationship so I understand how your self-esteem may be a bit lower or hurt, but again most people don't choose that lifestlye, being that it is so hard and how society judges. He may have had those feeling for a long time, so matter what you did or didn't do... would not have changed that. Once he did start exploring maybe he realized in his head and came to the realization that he was not bi all along, but he was gay. Good to hear you took the time in your relationship, just remember that when the next good catch comes along and go with it! Keep your head up girl, nothing you could have done and something good will come along, just stay upbeat Peace

 

eroll parat u ssaid about ur ex girlfriend, did u ever have sex with her

 

Thanks for the comments folks...I really had to get all that off of my chest. This is not a lesson that I will lose anytime soon. You've all brought up a lot of different views on the situation, and in a way it's refreshing, because all I know is what I felt as I went through this with him, and I'm starting to open my eyes to what I may have missed.

 

Your story was very touching CantSmokeNoMore …. read all the posts and your responses. You have your head screwed on the right way.

I have 20 & 21 y.o. sons that I’m very proud of, and I’d be proud of you if you were my daughter. Stay thoughtful, careful, and continue taking such good care of yourself.

Om Tare
Tuttare Ture
Svāhā​

__________________

Sheryl
Soft and tender, tough and hard ....
Never touched a razor ....
I shall love her always!​

 

Look, UK Poker Player. May I assume that you're from the UK?

Alright, here's me stance on your situation: Either your attention seeking and need to draw attention to yourself and your newly discovered sexuality, or you're a Charver and, being in the UK, it's against your very moral fibre to be gay. If you're the former, you need proffesional help, if you're the latter, then I do not give you any sympathy, you Charvers make life hell.

 

i aint a charver at all, i am a respectful business man thankyou very much and u say u spli up with ur ex girlfriend, how long were u with her for, because u said sex wioth women is disgusting but u were still able to get hard with her.

 

what do u mean by former, and latter, please explain

 

That means a lot OldTroll...thanks for the kind words.

 

Well, considering it was before I was sexually active I'd say no, she didn't get me "hard"

 

cantsmokenomore, I've dated three girls that went gay, one was my fiance. It's traumatic... I feel your pain and I want you to know you're not alone. Best of luck to the both of us...

 

Well, to me he sounds like a gigantic freak. He has 'the soul of a leopard'??? I know that some people still miss being cute, doted-on little kids and feel the need to be special, but surely there are less embarrassing ways to achieve this....

Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of your story is or if there is one... but I think if I had to pick a moral of the story it would be 'some people are freaks, and sometimes we fail to realize it'.

 

I'm really sorry you've been through all that. I don't know either of you well enough to take sides but I will state what my experiences have taught me. Most people who "discover" they are gay/bi (ambi or omni if you will) do not set out to deceive others of the opposite sex. Some are raised in households and communities where they are told since conception that they have to be ONE way or else... I was told this and I tried mightily to "change" and be "normal." When I realized that wasn't working, and I had been faithful to my girlfriend throughout the relationship, I admitted that it wasn't working and we needed to move on. But I didn't tell her the reason and I'm glad I kept it to myself. She is one of those people who throws the f-word around on a whim and thinks any guy who isn't attracted to her is automatically gay. Again, I don't know your ex or his life experiences. I just know mine and what I've seen. Now, I've moved on and she has to. We talk occasionally when we run into at the mall but nothing deep. It might be that you and your ex are not destined to be close friends. You shouldn't be uncomfortable around him and he should have friends that he can discuss his personal life in detail if that's what he wants. Just my thoughts. Best wishes!! Pace et amor