Relationship abroad, scared to commit

I have been living in Spain for 1 year now, and have been with a Spanish guy for approx 10 months. I normally live in England. I absolutely love him, he's very good to me, he works hard now, provides, is loving and understanding.
He is 10 years older than me, i am 21, he is 31, if that matters?? He wants to start a family soon and i think he would make a great dad, he's a real committed family guy. He's not pushy about it though, he says he can wait a couple of years, but it appeals to me, i love children and feel we could really have a good thing.
However, when i met him he had a drink problem, he used to drink nearly everyday of the week, i think more out of boredom than alchoholism. He has cut down a lot since he has been with me, he drinks once or twice a week now, ive noticed that after several days he seems to want a drink, like he needs to blow off steam or something, or hes bored being sober all the time. But I don't like him when hes drunk, expecially in public, i hate the fact i cant get any sense out of him, he gets really loud and over confident, sometimes he can go round picking arguments with other men(hes very passionate about his opinions and testosterone-filled), and i start bickering with him and i get really pissed off, he also can never remmeber anything ive said the next day. He also used to a have a serious drug problem last year that hes now beaten, this same problem also led to some time in prison. He smokes weed very occasionally when a friend gives it to him. I think possibly, he drinks in place of the drug problem he used to have...i don't know. He also seems to drink more when he has had problems with his family or something else.
If i wanted to have a kid with him i don't want him to carry on drinking like this. Does anyone have any experience of being with someone who is trying to control a drink problem? How do you know if it will succeed? or if they are getting better? The day after a binge, he'll say he wants to stop, but then the next week he'll do it again. He's not a complete asshole when hes drunk and hes perfect when hes sober, i think he should stop because its better for everyone all round. expecially if he wants anything serious with me.... im scared that if we did have children it wouldn't work out and id end up back in england with a kid that doesnt see its father, and that would kill me

 

Hello my friend,

I would like to open up and tell you a little story about myself. I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for nearly 12 years now. I have worked hard to get to where I'm at now, and discussing alcohol doesn't bother me or make me feel uncomfortable anymore. I started drinking when I was a teenager. I would enjoy going to parties or concerts and getting wasted. Just about everybody was doing it and it wasn't a big deal. It was just part of growing up. But I soon realized as I grew older that alcohol was consuming me. I went from drinking a 6 pack on a weekend night to drinking much more than that on any given night. This continued into my early to mid twenties. It was like I was in a race with myself to get as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. It was my way of dealing with life's problems. While most of my close friends had grown out of the heavy boozing, I was accelerating my alcohol use. When we would get together for a night out or a night in playing cards, my friends would notice my excessive alcohol usage. They were still content with a few beers but I needed much more. I would do the same stupid things that your boyfriend is doing now. I would become boisterous, loud, insensitive, combative, the whole nine yards. I would experience blackouts from time to time. I would receive phone calls the next day from concerned friends wondering if I was ok. They would tell me things I said or did the night before, and I wouldn't remember any of it. I was embarrassed but always chalked it up to just another wild night. I was such an alcoholic at that point but I was in total denial. My family wasn't immuned to my behavior either. They lived in another state so they would only see me for special occasions and holidays. More often than not, a wonderful day with my family was ruined by my excessive drinking. It got to the point that my sister didn't even want me at her house anymore. My drinking was ruining everybody elses good time. I finally opened my eyes to my drinking problem when my mother had secretly videotaped me during a Christmas Eve family get together. On Christmas morning, after everybody had opened their gifts, I was shown the tape. It was my mom, dad, sister, brother in law and myself. In went the tape and there I was, in all my drunken glory, being a complete and total asshole. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. My family told me that they just wanted me to realize what I really looked like when I drank. They didn't do it to embarrass me. They did it because they loved me and wanted me to get help. That was the turning point in my life. It was like the big, bright light had finally been turned on for me. I began attending AA meetings and finally became comfortable without feeling the need to attend them anymore. Like I said, it's been almost 12 years now and I have not slipped up once. It was very difficult the first couple of years. The craving was always there, but got less and less each passing year. I have come to grips with not being able to drink anymore. Alcoholism is a disease and does not allow for occasional drinks from a past hard core user. If I were to start drinking again, I would be back to excessive use in short order. That's why I use the term recovering alcoholic instead of cured alcoholic.

Your boyfriend seems to be the classic alcoholic. A nice guy when he's sober and a complete ass when he drinks. He was drinking everyday but then cut back to a few days because you came into his life. It's easy to temporarily scale back when there's something else to keep you occupied besides drinking. I would do that with my girlfriends as well. But eventually, I would fall back into my sorry ways and fuck things up again. It's not that your boyfriend needs to blow of steam when he's looking to drink. He's an alcoholic and the little devil in his mind is telling him it's a good time to get fucked up again. He probably does feel bored when he's not drinking. Bored, get booze, problem fixed. Not really, but that's the way an alcoholic thinks. He is 31 years old right now. He's not a kid anymore. His drinking will only continue to spiral out of control as he gets older, if he continues on his current path. His past all but guaranteeshis future pattern. He needs to realize that there is so much more to life than getting drunk. He should learn to focus on what a beautiful woman he has in his life and not where his next drink is coming from. He can't be a good husband and father if he continues to drink excessively. He needs to see that he will feel so much better about himself, both physically and mentally, if he cuts alcohol out of his life. I just want to close by saying that not all people who drink are alcoholics. There are plenty of people out there who can enjoy drinking in moderation. There's plenty of people who can have a beer or two and be content. Or drink a glass or two of wine with dinner. I admire those people, but I wasn't one of them. I also don't frown on the high school or college kids for partying, because they are just having fun while they grow up. As long as they know when is enough is enough when those crossroads come. So, best of luck to you and your boyfriend. I hope that telling you my story may help you to realize what your dealing with.

 

thanks bill, you've really helped me to see things more clearly, im going to see how it goes and if he doesnt improve, give him the ultimatum, if it doesn't work then leave. How long would you say i should give him? did you just stop alcohol completely from drniking it everyday or did you cut down first? i really think he is trying, i don't want to be too harsh if he honestly means that he wants to recover. thanks so much again x

 

Well, I did drink a couple times after my awakening on Christmas Day way back when. Even though I knew I couldn't drink any longer, I still fucked up and drank that New Years Eve and a few days later on the 3rd. I knew I had to quit but it had me gripped so tight, it was very difficult to let go. I just promised myself that last night that I would try and take it one day at a time. The one day at a time has now turned into 12 years a couple days from now. It was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life, but I am soooo glad I conquered it. I know in my mind that January 4th has significance for me, but I don't really even think about it anymore. It's just another day for me. No celebrating my soberness or anything like that. I just celebrate my soberness 365 days a year now, because I feel great and enjoy life so much more.

It's really hard for me to give you advice concerning your boyfriend. I can only speak to you from my experiences. I can only go by what you've written and although I'm no doctor, there's no doubt in my mind that he's an alcoholic. You wouldn't be here asking for advice if you felt it wasn't a problem. Cutting back is a recipe for failure. Your either all in or all out. I guess my best advice is to sit down and talk to him. Or videotape or record him when he's at his worst. Speak from your heart and tell him your fears. Tell him that you want to be with him, but you want to be with the sober him, not the drunk him. Ask him if he's willing to leave alcohol behind and start a new life with you. Ask him if he's truly ready to fight the war of his life, for not only himself, but also for the people who care about him. Explain that you want to start a family and spend the rest of your life with him, but not with alcohol in his life. Tell him he has reached a crossroad with you. It's either drinking or you. Ask him to attend an AA meeting and you can go with him. Listen to his answers, if he even answers. His denial mechanism will surely be in overdrive. Continue having deep talks about it with him. You should be able to get an idea of what's likely, or not likely to happen, just by his answers and demeanor. You have to keep the pressure on him but not come across as overbearing. Then you should settle back and see how things go for a month or two. I don't think he could make it a whole month without booze if he's really not serious about quitting. If you notice he still enjoys getting bombed after you've tried everything, then you should have cause for concern. It may be time to cut your losses and leave. It sounds terrible but I'm sure you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who puts the bottle before his family. There's already enough women and children out there suffering that fate. I hope I made sense and offered you some decent advice. I tried my best from using my own understanding of the disease and what I went through. Best of luck Crystal, and feel free to pm me anytime.