Need honest opinions on how to handle this situation with my daughter's father

Background: My daughter is 8 months old, father and I are not together, broke up 9 months ago when he cheated and moved out(love him dearly but thats the dealbreaker), we have an amicable relationship, not messing around, no drama, no arguments at all. Until now.
Yesterday I took my daughter to her father's hse for the weekend (a few weeks ago he moved into a hse). I took a tour of his hse to check out where my daughter would sleep. we were on the porch talking when a chick and her son walked up. I spoke, he didn't introduce her, so i didn't knw if she was there for him or his roomie, so figured she was of no importance. I have told him b4 that I know he is going to date and to not have my daughter in bed with u and another woman. abt 20 min later, when im home she called (his phone). Saying did he tell u he had a gf and we live together. I said no. she started talking about how she felt I needed to know in case there were any probs. I said (still very calm) why r u calling me? she said he told me to. I said put him on the phone. He says he felt it had no relavance. I said who you have my child around is of relavance, I don't care what u do in your personal life but i would like to know ppl that she will be around, especially if they live there, of course I won't know every woman but I expect every woman not to meet my child either. she was yelling at him abt this, I asked where is the baby. she was right there. so i said u all are arquing in front of her. I said i don't like her in that environment im coming to get her, which i did.
now when i got over there, he came out, she did also after him. just yabbing yabbing yabbing. I said no disrespect but I need to speak with my daughter's father, I could care less about your relationship but thanks for letting me know since u felt i needed to. she kept talking and I asked her twice to excuse herself. she said u all can talk with me here. i was getting upset bc all this is unneccessary. She was making a scene. I said if and when u become mrs only then will u become a part of a conversation about our child until then u have nothing to say to me.
He went in the hse to get the carseat, him and I stood by the car and talked for a while. He is telling me to trust his judgement, which I normally do, but u can't even be truthful about who is living with you I have never even seen this woman, she is new on the scene (to my knowledge) it would be different if u have been around a while. u are more afraid I will be upset, I have told him our relationship is separate from the one u have with your daughter so even if i am upset with him, i have never taken it out on my baby and his relationship. I feel he sets the precedence on what my daughter will accept from a man, I don't want her seeing him with several women bc I don't want her to think thats okay. I don't know how to proceed. am i blowing this out of proportion? she is making a scene over something small, isn't it usually the babys mom who starts drama? I think I have handled myself very calmly but I feel very disrespected. what should i do? I feel he could have handled the situation better. he knew i was on my way, he could have told her, I need to speak with my daughters mom please stay inside. when she didn't, he should have checked that behavior. in addition, when she did come out, he still didn't introduce her, so how important is she really ( I guess thats none of my business either though).

 

my honest take on it is this: there's nothing you can or should do about it. you're not the only parent and you can't micromanage your child's father's life for him to make a perfect situation for your daughter. kids have survived crazier situations than that with their mental health and ability to love COMPLETELY intact. if there were drugs or dangerous behavior giong on, that would be different. but a father with a girlfriend you don't like doesn't really come into play. like it or not, she is involved in your daughter's life now, even if for a short time.

if it makes you feel any better, dave's ex didn't like me for the longest time because dave had had a girlfriend for a couple years, they broke up, he met me six months later. we moved in together three months later. it had to look like an incredibly shaky situation, and dave's ex was upset and worried for tyler.

ten years later, tyler is still fine and ADORES his baby sisters. will your ex and his girlfriend stay together? who knows. but as long as you and her daddy love her and no one is beating her up or exposing her to bad things, she'll be just fine.

 

Thank you. I spoke with him and let him know I was offended by her phone call, and confrontation when I came to get my daughter, she was out of line. He agreed and apologized. I don't know this chick to say I don't like her, she isn't for me to like. I just want to know my daughter is safe is all. He even told me that he hadn't told me bc he wasn't yet sure about their relationship. When planning for our child we talked about what would happen if we ever broke up. we agreed that only when we are serious about someone would we bring them around baby. So imma need u to be sure about this woman, and be confident, so when ur telling me to trust your judgement I won't have a problem. He is a great dad, I will never deny that.I want him to be happy. His private life isn't my business, but when my daughter is still little who is around her matters. You know how easy kids pick up stuff, this is the most important part of her development. I just don't want her attached to every woman he dates, nor do I want arguing around her. I only get one shot and I'm not going to mess up.

 

you are gonna mess up. it's motherhood, not addition and subtraction.. take it easy on yourself. you love your baby, her father loves her, she's going to be fine either way, even if a few bad things land in her path from time to time.

 

yeah, cause it NEVER happens when the parents are married. lol.

 

Offer reciprocity of information and conduct.

If you want to know who he is sleeping with (while your daughter is in his house), he should know who you are sleeping with while the kid is in your house.

If you want to meet and know his roommates, he should meet and know yours.

It struck me that the roommate who sleeps in the next room next to your husband's is more of a consideration to the safety of your kid than a (live out) girlfriend would be.

Who will be in the house while your daughter is there? is a valid question that either of you can ask each other.

("Because I want to check public info data bases to see if they have been convicted of child molesting." is a sufficiant reason to know these people's names.)

 

GREAT POST, mike.

 

Roger that. That coin does flip both ways.

 

YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT!

you are a good mom!
no lie!

keep it up! and tell that bitch to stepp off