Serious problem.

Hey, I guess I just want you guys opinion on how to handle this. Its long but its really worth it. So Im going to get right to it.

About a month ago, I was playing guitar on the couch, minding my own, and my piece of shit father walks in and asks me something and I simply said no. Then he says "whats your problem" I say I dont have one and continue playing my guitar. So he threatens to throw it out the back door if I dont quit and let his speech sink in. I said its sinking and continue playing, but stop since he keeps at it. Then he go on to call me a pussy and rambles about how I handle life makes me a pussy and all this bullshit. So my sister calls my mom and lets her hear it and he turns around and cusses my sister out and tells her to turn the damn phone off because he knows what shes doing. My mom tells me to drive to her work and wait for her. So I do.

Get there, wait, she comes and starts driving, talking like nothing ever happened. I ask what the hell. She says we're going back and continues talking trying to push away from the topic. So for the next few days I dont see him much. Great.

A few weks later, my grandmother has surgery on a torn rotator cuff. Me and mom and my sis are staying with her so we can help her out. Anyhow, he came over like every other night, staying for dinner and shit. A fucking freeloader cause he doesnt want to make food. I had to avoid him by staying in the back room for hours.

I get pissed that my mom isnt doing anything about it and ask her why. She says we cant just push him away. So that goes on for weeks and I say in the car one day, "He called me a pussy and youre not doing anything about it? Youre acting like he's some great father" she says he didnt and she knows because she listened to it, so after arguing for 5 minutes, I call my sister on loud speaker and prove to my mom that he did. So she says she'll confront him. He comes over four more times before she does anything. Now to give you the low down on how shes taking it... shes been leaving my grandmothers with him to get fastfood and shit the whole time. Anyway, the 4th time he comes after I told her and she still hasnt done anything. Well she leaves with him before I wake and I calll it and tell her to deal with it or shits hitting the fan when they get back. She says that she asked and he said he didnt. And she left it at that. A simple "no" and she was off his back.

She didnt handle it. He gets there, and I say "are the 3 of us going to handle it?" She says handle it. I look at him and ask why he lied. He looks at me and threatens saying not to "come out here talking down on him, or hes going to lay me out on the floor". So I cussed him out and he starts breathing all deep and shit while Im doing it and then grabs me in a choke hold. My mom flips, I knew he would do it and I wanted her to see that he wasnt some perfect figure like she thought. So my uncle runs out shoves him off and holds him back I scream fuck you man, and they tell me to go inside. I do my uncle comes in and says he aint letting shit happen to me.
So after arguing with my mom, the piece of shit runs back in and says he tried to "restrain" me, which doesnt make any fucking sense because I never did anything threatening. I simply insulted him because he tried to shut my mom from the truth. He was trying to clean it up because it happened in front of my whole family. So my mom was freaking out and pissed at him and told him to leave. Then 3 days later I wake up and shes gone. Come to find out that she was over there with him, and hes got her believing him even though she saw the whole thing. I am pissed that my mom pretty much betrays me and her daughter for the scum.

The other day, we started arguing. She asks what I expect to do when they leave after my grandmother is healed. I ask if shes going back and she says "Uhh yea. We live there" in a tone that you get when you ask a stupid question. So the arguing goes on for about 20 minutes. Then she starts saying that our family's tore up and shes trying to bring it back together. Is she fucking stupid? He attacked me in front of her and shes expecting me to go live with him again? He really worked his way into her head.

She thinks this was a first time thing and he wont do it again but I know he will. Physically, this is a first but he's hurt her that way before. She just goes back to him. She thinks Im acting stupid by asking her to avoid him for us. Anyway I end it with "you run off to him then forget about me" So I think shes been contemplating the last few days.

So what do I do? Forgive him? it will happen again, I swear. But I am at complete loss of ideas. Is there any way to convince her

 

I say talk to him as a friend would. Don't accuse him of anything, don't be aggressive, just lay it out and see how he responds. He is probably frustrated with you because you fail to acknowledge him, and if he really is a "freeloader", then that is also probably a sore spot. Show him that you recognize him as, if nothing else, a person. If that doesn't work, then yea, resort back to blackmailing your mom into not spending time with him.

 

im sorry to hear whats happening in your life, but this is the way it is. (this sounds like teenage ramble, but its true!)

(most) parents are selfish and they dont like to be out argued/smarted by their children. it sounds like your dad is a very insecure man, and your mum is a selfish person who can ignore the fact that the man she wants to be with is violent to her son. or maybe shes just very lonely, i dont know

i think you need to pull on your mums heart strings, tell her how you feel. if your sister doesnt want her to be with him either, both of you sit her down and tell her straight. cry if you have to, you need to make her see that you wont live with her if it happens.

if that dont work, move in with your grandma and wait till her r/ship falls apart and comes to live with you too.

: ) good luck

 

Seems like Im going to have to wait for it all to fall apart on her. But even then, she's not going to give it all up. She's like some immature 22 year old mom on Steve Wilkos. Its getting to the point that I dont want to deal with it all. But there is nowhere I can go to keep from it.

Every woman in our family has problems like this. My aunt is married to a guy that grabbed her by her head and rammed it in the ground repeatedly. He's chocked her while we were all there because she wouldnt sleep with him. All that stuff has happened for as long as I remember. And she tries to get us to like him, by inviting him to things like family gatherings. If she hasnt left yet...shes never going to.

My grandmother is in denial about it all. She doesnt want to believe anything bad about anyone her daughters are seeing. Its actually pathedic. If she saw my "father" kill someone, she'd try to make it sound like he was protecting us.

And as far as the suggestion, that all happened the other night. I did cry for a few minutes because I started realising she's not going to give him up for us. She wants him more.

But I dont want to be a burden to my grandmother, because I have no way to make money. Which is making me a "freeloader". She has no problem with it but I dont want to. Its not right. I cant get a job because she lives a pretty good bit away from town, and I cant get a ride. Its hopeless. Im in a situation that I cant get out of. Hopeless bullshit.

 

I pretty much agree with what Samee had to say, but it sounds like his idea of living with your grandmom's not going to work.

It's definitely a tough situation, and it looks like you're right - you can't get out of it, at least not for sometime yet. If and when you can get a job, then it'll be a different situation, and you can maybe start to think about where else you can live.

Sometimes there isn't any escape. I was in a situation like that for a long time. And you really can't hope to change the people around you, especially if they're following the same patterns for years. The best you can hope to do is do your very best to make your own behavior exemplary. Not easy, and you can't be perfect, but this is the best way to go, and it's the best chance you have of opening the eyes of people around you. I like the quote from Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

But I would try to avoid your dad as much as you can, cuz that is obviously your toughest relationship. When you can't avoid him, try doing what Bruschetta suggested - except DO NOT blackmail your mom. Bad idea. Emotional manipulation is part of the problem, not part of the solution.

 

I cant be aaround him. something bad will happen even if I avoid him. He's the kind that will walk up and start something for no reason and his behavior will make it seem like you had tried to rob him or something. I cannot go back. He would have to die for everything to be better. Not being insane, I mean he's going to keep at it as long as he's around. He likes to be in control, and no one else can and obviosly wont do anything about it.

 

So you're in a kind of prison then. So what are you going to do?

 

Wait and see what happens. I feel like Im in a tornado shelter with no door right before the it gets bad. I cant keep dealing with it. If I had a car then I would have a job and then I would just get an apartment or something. But its not possible.

 

i went sorta throw the same thing. my mom let me get arrested right in front of her while her boyfriend pressed charges on me for treating to kill him. the best thing i could say to you is forgive him and try to make nice. but dont forget what he did. maybe try to stay at a friends house more or get away from him as much as possible. if it means not eating dinner the same time, then wait till he leaves or whatnot.

 

Try to be a better person than he is - even if it means swallowing some shit. Otherwise you just feed the fire.

 

I think Im just going to refuse all to do with him. He's a piece of shit, thats all. Nothing more and he wont change. I could put my life on the line in a bet saying he wont change.
Im not a forgiving person. If its something big like this, then Im not going to. He wouldnt forgive me if I had done anything like that without the catch of me kissing his ass for as long as he wanted. Fuck him.

Thanks for all of you guys advice, I guess I was wanting to hear something to help me get away from him. But I cant do anything that involves me letting it go. Even for the moment. And my decision may turn up something bad. But if I get the best of it, I'll be satisfied with his outcome.
Later