First, the details. I haven't dated in a long time, it's been about a year and a half. My last breakup was pretty bad. I've always had a very anxious nature that just persists through my daily life(mostly around groups of people), even with my old girlfriend, so I suppose what I'm wondering is whether it might just be me and I should ignore it... but here's the situation. I met a girl and the first night I took her out was really nice. Everything went well and we hugged and we split that night. I wasn't expecting anything that night so it didn't bother me at all. She later said she had a wonderful time and I was really sweet. A few nights later we went out again, and this time we kissed among other things, and just the other night we had sex for the first time together. Now we haven't really officially started dating, but she seems to want it badly. She's very talkative, not annoying really. But I'm not feeling much out of it, the major problem of confusion though comes from what makes me not feel so much is that I've been alone for such awhile I kind of learned to like thinking quietly to myself, but it seems when I'm with her I can't think positively. If me and her are around other people I get nervous and just can't really reach out to her in anyway. I always seem to be off in my own little world, or my own little mind. This isn't to say I don't pay attention to her when we're alone... but the anxiousness I feel around others interferes with it. I'm not sure if I don't really have feelings for her at all, if I jumped to quickly into it, if it's all in my head, or if I just got the wrong impression of her at first and now I'm feeling a different way. I need some advice, it's pretty bothersome because she REALLY seems to like me.
You can't expect a woman to sit around quietly in the dark while you think positively. It sounds like you have a bit of social anxiety. After reading your post I can't find anything there that suggests that she is doing anything abnormal or wrong and that is not to say that you are. What you are describing is very common and I would suggest that you cease looking to her or these social settings as the potential problem... the real problem is in your mind and your response to those settings, at least it appears that way from your post. Solitude can be comfortable, but everything in moderation my friend. It won't hurt you to enjoy the company of a woman or other people in general. Crack open your coffin and let her shine a bit of light in there. Also you don't have to feel anything for her in a romantic sense so don't worry about that. Treat her with respect, enjoy your time with her and see where it goes, that's how its supposed to work. There is no reason for you to know much of anything this early in the game. Welcome to HF.
You bring up a lot of good points. I suppose I think I should feel something more toward her because I can only remember how I felt with my last. I guess I'm making a bad habit of comparing it with the last relationship, and wanting similar results. Though I probably shouldn't even think this yet, what if it doesn't work out and I have to get out of the situation? Is there anyway I can let her off without hurting her too badly? The last thing I want to do is lead someone on... but it seems I'm doing it without fully realizing I'm doing it(if that makes a lick of sense). Honestly... am I just worrying too much for my own good? Also, damn my neurocircuits!
Unless you are dating a clone of your ex created in a lab, then please do not compare your current lady to the old one. Embrace the differences(remember your old relationship ended) My opinion is that you should proceed further with your new friend, don't jump the gun and rob yourself of a potentially good thing. If you decide to end it though, let me say this...often times when women are in the position to dump men they reveal a startling level of coldness and cruelty, almost leading you to feel as though they want nothing more than pure emotional devastation and to create a wound that will never heal. Whenever I have witnessed this in my own relationships or as a bystander watching my friends (male and female) experience this, I have noticed a glow of satisfaction coming from the women. The female ego is the driving force behind this behavior. My point is not to worry too much about hurting her, instead just be mindful to show respect, don't cause any unnecessary pain (you don't owe her any more than that) and be VERY aware that once you bruise that female ego during an exit, it can be risky or impossible to return to her.
sophieclair... can you PLEASE stop putting massive pictures of yourself in your signature? No one wants to see that shit.
(Ugh, thread hijacking in progress.) Well, I've thought about it all night while at work.. I don't do anything at my work anyway but watch tv basically so I had 16 hours of thinking(that's two nights). It seems i have come to a conclusion that while the girl is interesting to me in a friendly way, i may have jumped the gun a bit too much. i hate this, the feeling of having to tell someone that. Infatuation is a different feeling from love, and I suppose i have been out of the game of love so long i've forgotten the difference. Perhaps it was desperation, excitement of actually getting close to a girl for once; maybe I just convinced myself i didn't have any other options. But while the lonely lifestyle is not a very glamorous one, I'm just not ready it seems to burden myself with another person. After all, although it's been months I still think of my ex daily... which is probably the worst thing about the whole mess. I suppose I am a prick by all rights and deserve to be called one for my actions. My only wonder is how men can do this same thing all the time and feel nothing, but I do it once... completely unpurposefully, and feel horrible. Although it has only been a few days, this feeling I know is true, and she is not as special to me as I previously jumped the gun to. I don't know what to do though... I hate to hurt people, I absolutely hate it. By all rights I need to be the one hurting for my own mistakes, not another person. How can I do this as painlessly as possible... at the very least for her own sake?
I think its safe to say that you over think things a bit. It sounds like you have made up your mind so I won't try to talk you out of your decision. Though I can not figure out why you feel that love should exist in any form so soon in your relationship. Not feeling ready or compatible does not make you a prick or deserving of any pain. Seriously man, free yourself of that kind of dark, romantic thinking. I can feel that shit from here, and I can also hear how loud and long your gears are grinding. I can see that you are deep guy but its okay to swim over to the shallow end of the pool once in awhile. Don't look at it as hurting her. Look at it as not wasting her time any further. Just do it in private and in person, tell her your reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship in its current state and I would suggest trying to keep the friendship if you can manage it. Then let her react as she will, say what she wants and be cool.
Yet again a fantastic reply from Mothman. Just be honest with her, it's all you can do. But it's more important that your honest with yourself and it seems that you still need time to get over your ex, which is just fine.
