Phil Lesh show, music, drugs, people, and "the zone"/chakras

Two days ago, I went to the Phil Lesh show at the Nokia Theater, the last of his long (13 shows or something) run at the venue. I had heard that last year, they played for four hours and there was a great vibe. Epic. I had high hopes.

I could write so much, but I will try to get to the main points.

I went to the show by myself. It was the first time I had been to a show of that type by myself, with the exception of Bob Weir's set at Bonnaroo (I was at 'roo with my cousin, but he wanted to stay in the shade that afternoon). I went with the a very open mind. I wanted to meet people, accept all experiences that were to come, dance my ass off, and generally just explore the scene and enjoy the music as much as possible. I think, for the most part, I achieved that goal.

I started talking to a couple of older (50ish) guys in front of me in line before the show. Very nice guys. One was especially quick to release his endearing laugh. Then another guy, who was in line behind me, joined in. He was about the same age (50ish). We hit it off really well. He was friendly, talkative, intelligent, and educated. He was a guitarist, and I also play guitar, so that was a big part of our conversation. 20 minutes or so into the conversation, he revealed that he was on L, and I told him I never would have guessed. He then added that he was actually just coming up. I didn't eat any L, but the fact that I hung out with an experienced tripper for the first half of the show undoubtedly had major effects on my thoughts and thus my experience.

So, we got into the venue and headed to the bar. I had a couple of Guinness (Guinnei? heh), and he had a couple of gin and tonics. Then we went into the concert area to meet up with his friend, who was standing very close to the stage. The two other guys from outside also happened to be standing right there, so I felt like that was where I was supposed to be. At this point I had my first of many bizarre social interactions, which would occur throughout the evening.. A pretty, heavyset woman, at least ten years older than I am, approached me and asked if she knew me. I said no. Several people throughout the night and at the other Phil show I went to said that I looked familiar, even though I hadn't been there before and I'm not experienced. This could be due to many reasons - perhaps they were drugged out. I have, so I'm told, a somewhat striking yet not particularly weird look about me, so perhaps people are struck by my face and think they know me when they do. This woman said I looked like Jason Schwarzman from the Darjeeling Limited. Anyway, this kind of semi-mindfuck was typical of the evening. The woman was clearly pretty drunk, and after a few jokes she revealed that she had recently gotten out of recovery for a crack addiction. I did my best to play it off. She was also clearly hitting on me, and after I mentioned my girlfriend, she said, jokingly, that she'd better get away from me because she didn't want to mess anything up. I ran into her again in the smoking area later on. She was just as sweet as she could be. She was clearly getting on some people's nerves, but I didn't mind. I felt sorry for her, with the whole crack addiction thing. It's hard to imagine she's too happy overall, being addicted to crack ("it got pretty bad," she said), a single mom, drunk and hitting on everything that moves. Who knows, though - I don't mean to judge. My heart goes out to her.

Anyway, the music started, and here is where it gets really interesting. Sunday's Phil show, my first of the run, started with a classic, happy rocker (Golden Road) and went into some country/bluegrass stuff. Tuesday was very, very different. The first set ROCKED, and was quite intense. I'm not a Dead expert, but check out the set list if you want to get a better idea (Terrapin Blues was intense, and Elevator is where I really lost it). After a very intense opening jam, I thought for sure that they would chill it out, but they went into a DRIVING rocker (Elevator)... the bass and drums were just relentless. I'm a musician, as I said, and if I'm focused, music takes me to another world even under normal circumstances. I kept glancing at my buddy who was on L, and we were just in awe... I couldn't stop moving to the music, and I was so focused on it... I completely lost my ego in the music, with only brief periods of ego-thought interrupting every so often. Then, I noticed the crowd was starting to shift a little. I was getting in between my buddy and his female friend, and I was afraid this was a problem, so I got a little paranoid. I really wanted space to dance... I was feeling it. But there wasn't much breathing room. I wasn't sure how much dancing was appropriate at that kind of place, in that area. I should also add that I'm almost certain I have Asperger's Syndrome, which leads to poor social judgment, especially when it comes to non-verbal stuff (body language, personal space). All night, I couldn't tell what stuff was just me, what stuff was me being drunk, what stuff was other people, what stuff was due to them being drunk/stoned/spun... For a few minutes, I kept going in between being completely free and relaxed and being quite self-conscious about my body and the ever-tightening crowd. My ego also started shifting very quickly from being huge to very small. I thought that I was the person in the crowd who, having a great musical ear and both an emotional and intellectual sensitivity to the music, was the most at-one with the band and the music (or at least one of the most). I was feeling it, and I was guiding not only the crowd with my movements and my focus on the sounds, but perhaps even the band itself. I was intoxicated by the power of the music and my own perception of it. A minute later, I thought that I looked like a drugged-out freak and that I was getting in people's way and embarrassing myself. At this point I began to wonder if I had been dosed. I wondered if I was being initiated into the Grateful Dead family and, having been dosed, my reaction to the music and the crowd would be my ultimate test of psychedelic and musical appreciation. I did take a hit off a J, and marijuana often affects me very strongly, but I really wasn't very messed up... This was so much more than a drug-induced feeling. When I say that my ego died, I do so in order to use the most familiar vocabulary, but I think a better way of putting it would be to say that I was "in the zone" or at "that place." When it comes to the workings of the mind, I have learned one thing and one thing only from my drug experiences. Every drug I have taken leads me to the same place... "the zone" is the ultimate destination of the human mind. The crowd, the music... being there by myself... I am from a well-to-do, all white suburb in the South, and so being at these shows is a huge departure from my upbringing, in some ways good and in some ways bad. This all combined to rock my mind and send me out of myself and into "the zone." All of these ideas are going on in my mind, whenever it's not lost in the music, but for the most part, the music dominated my experience.

...

You know, I stopped writing at this point on Wednesday morning, and continuing to share a lot of details doesn't make sense anymore. It's not going to mean anything to anyone but me. I've already shared the best ones, anyway. Basically, the rest of my night consisted of often bizarre encounters with all kinds of people. Some were were kind and calm, others were out of control. One more specific story - I saw this young guy, my age at the oldest but probably more like 18, passing out in a doorway. An older guy was helping him out, along with two kids who knew him, a guy and a girl. The older guy made sure the kid was ok and left. The male friend started dancing (he was pretty clearly spun), and the girl was trying to keep the guy who passed out from wandering off. They were standing right next to me, and although I had no idea if he was drunk, too stoned, tripping face, or whatever, I turned to her and said, "The trick is just to keep him focused on something," which I think is the key to riding out any tough experience, drug-related or otherwise (you know, "the zone"). She snapped at me, "Look, I know what I'm doing!" Yikes. A minute later I said, "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude earlier." She ignored me. Whatever. A few minutes later, she had left her friend sitting by himself on the steps. He stood up, and before he could wander off, I engaged him. I was just friendly and asked if he was enjoying the show. I made some comments about the show. He said he had passed out briefly because he had smoked a huge blunt which "must have been laced with PCP or something," and he insisted he was fine. We kept talking another minute, and then he lost interest and wandered off. I wasn't about to stop him. A few minutes later, his spun friend stopped dancing long enough to realize he was gone. "Hey, where did that kid go?!" I said he wandered off and pointed in the direction he went, and the guy went after him. Dumbasses. As Jerry said, the Dead is a full range experience. It's not all sunshine and enlightenment (except, of course, in the sense that everything is sunshine and enlightenment).

I was a lot less focused on the music during the second set. At this point, I was just taking in the scene and experimenting with different locations in the crowd. I had been a bit uncomfortable near the front, but it was much worse not to be up there because there was really no place comfortable to go. The seats were pretty much all taken. It was quite crowded everywhere else. I spent some time on the sides, some time in the back, some time watching the show on a TV in the lobby. I just sampled all of the different locations. Nothing matched my experiences near the stage during the first set.

So, why am I making this post? Well, it was just an amazing experience. So many things were solidified in my mind. One thing is that being on L is an afterthought at a place like that. I really can't imagine my experience being more intense or interesting on L or on any other drug. No one there cared who was on what. Everyone was just at the concert. The music and people took me everywhere I needed to go.

It was a real learning experience to interact with the people there. A lot of them were really nice and open. Some of them were totally out of it. That one girl was rude. You just never know. You've gotta just open up, smile, and let it all roll off your back. I shared a lot of warm smiles with people who bothered to notice me and make eye contact - mostly older people. Those were lovely. You have to know when to take control and know when to coast. You can't control much in an environment like that... all you can do is listen to the music

On that note, the music was just incredible... I'm a guitarist, and for the last couple of years I have wanted so desperately to pursue music seriously (to practice regularly, to write, to perform), but I have never stuck with it for long periods of time. I was so inspired by the passion that both the musicians and the fans have for the music. So many of those people have given their LIVES for that music. And I can't say I blame them. I want to give my life to something that I believe in, too.

I think that all positive drug experiences, and all positive experiences in life, for that matter, lead to the same place. I have always been a really obsessive guy. I've been obsessed with certain people, with sports, with bands, playing guitar, video games, marijuana, masturbating, and countless other things. And the wonderful experiences I have had with every one of those things has been in the same exact place... it's just "the place." Some would call it oneness with the world, some would call it ego loss, some describe it in terms of chakras, some would just call it a euphoric sense of focus on a stimulating experience... the truth is, words can't describe the place. All I know is that I've been there a whole lot of times, and I'm so thankful for that. I also know that the more I fight to get to the place, the harder it is to be there. The music took me there on Tuesday, and it was wonderful. In that place, there is no fear, no past, no future... there is only what is happening and what is beyond even what is happening... Here's to all of us getting there more often, however we manage to do so.

 

Reminds me a bit of my first experience going to see the Dead in the early 90's. What an amazing and diverse assortment of people! I was astounded and mesmerized by the crowd and their vibe. I must say that I was a bit disappointed at the Phil show I caught in early Nov. the vibe definitely seemed a lot slower and a bit cold. Needless to say, I still had a great time, the music was great. I also saw Ratdog a few times early on after Jerry passed away and the crowd still seemed like a community. Perhaps the 'community' vibe is what was missing from the show I caught. Glad you had a good time!

-d