I've already logged most of this trip account in my journal so I'll just be copying from that but I might abridge/expound, etc. This trip was the most inexplicable I've had. It was infused with cogent lessons but the nature of it is nothing that any rhetorical attempt will convey. The concepts I can deliver to myself are viable but comprise a fraction of a fraction of what I can get my mind around and put into words. It yields a recurring feeling of smallness and perhaps insignificance that the ideas and epiphanies of the trip are numerous, but were such a small part of the whole. This trip was ~3 weeks ago, my wife's 1st time, my 5th time. We have two small kids and had to get a sitter, resulting in a night-trip at home. The blotters were Bicycle Day anniversary tabs, whose potency was confirmed by friends. I had 4 and my wife had 2. She's the last person you'd think would try drugs let alone lsd, but my receptivity to the drug over the past months got her curious. I didn't care how things went, whether she'd trip well or not; I was just excited she was to get a taste of what I'd been talking about for so long, and I was glad to share it with her esp. since on my other trips I always end up calling her. ************************ The 4 tabs came on early and strong for me-my head was adrift and I could only lay on the floor, and I asked J to be with me on the floor. J's comeup was delayed, then instantaneous. The first thing I remember from her was that she was thinking about our 15-month-old son, L. She started crying, saying how much she missed him and could only think about him out in the world. After a couple flaccid verbal attempts to help her, I thought I could help by fetching a picture of the kids. I wasn't about to force her to think about something else so I figured why fight it? She kept crying after I gave her the photo, but it was because her son was so beautiful and special and she thanked me. She thought it odd that she wasn't emotional over our daughter. Next thing I knew she was on the couch, saying she was feeling edgy. I tried massaging her but she didn't like it. That was among the first times she didn't want me to touch her. All I wanted from this trip was to be with her. I stayed nearby and didn't say much except for when she said parts of her body felt weird; I would say "it's normal, it's all part of the show." I didn't presume to be a guide, only wated to tell her things typical of any trip so she would know she wasn't in trouble. But she told me I needed to stop talking like I knew everything. This shocked me, and I realized the meager medium of language had corrupted my messages, and she thought I was indicating that I knew what she was going through. I said that's true; it wasn't a simple matter of eating acid, it was her psyche whose depths were unknown to us both, or at least me. I was fine immersed in my attention to her, but to give her some space I sat lotus-style on the floor and focused on the kundalini energy creeping up my spine. I let go of myself and the energy took over, swaying my torso in the familiar snake-out-of-the-basket hypnosis, wholly involuntary. J said my moves seemed vey liquid and natural, like a flame burning steadily. I told her it was because it was a natural force outside myself, and I wasn't in control of it. I don't know if it was due to my comment, but she started getting creeped out by it, so I just laid on the floor. She was buggin out pretty bad, saying she couldn't stop from being cold and the lights in the living room were scaring her and she shut them off as I lit candles. She said she would take a hot shower, and since all my attention had been on her, I didn't know what to do with myself when she left the room. I was confused and insane, and nothing specific comes to my recollection about that part. I became very oblivious of my reality and what was going on; I didn'tknow what to do but also knew this was part of each trip I've had and it was familiar. I abruptly heard my name spoken in the darkness. It startled me: I had forgotten about her. She was still in the shower, the bathroom was pitch black and the air very stagnate. I was instantly short of breath and turned the knob for the vent on the ceiling. J told me again that the lights scared her and she was too cold so she took a hot shower in the dark. She was comfortable at first until she realized she was alone, and that's when she called to me to join her in the shower. I was glad to since all I wanted was to be with her. She had what she needed: warm water, complete darkness and me to hold her. I had problems, though-the darkness was so disorienting and the water falling on me spun my sense of direction wild. I couldn't feel the floor against my feet and didn't know up from down; I was tumbling in an existential vacuum. I had finally gotten close to a comfortable J and had no sense of it whatever. I knew my problem was that I had been seeing her as a separate entity the whole time, existing without me. I thought if I sat down in the shower I'd be stable enough. I did feel better, but now the hot water was out, and J started getting cold again. So I needed to get her warm somehow, but I needed to do it in the dark and with the door closed to retain heat. I felt the wall for the knobs for the vent and the heater, but in the dark it was a helpless joke and I had no idea what I was touching; it was like one of those dreams where you keep moving your legs to run but can't get any traction to move. She asked for a towel so I opened the bathroom door to get one, to which she loudly objected due to the cold air. I crawled around the bathroom floor feeling for a towel like a blind man, but everything was one homogenized fabric. The 4 elements kept coming to mind: earth, wind, fire, water. These personalities were present in us in the bathroom, trying to meet and one point to be whole, but the rondezvous was one paradox after the other: I wanted to bring her warmth, but needed light and air to provide it and when I introduced those things it was unacceptable to her. It was too perfect a commentary on the illusion of duality and I felt like the ouroboros chasing its tail,which caused me to roar with laughter. J asked why and I told her "Look at us! you standing in the cold dark shower and me crawling on the floor naked with no clue what I'm doing!" I thought of how our efforts seemed totally normal till then when I saw it from an ego perspective and it was far too funny. I decided to give up on pleasing her in order to be near her and turned on the hallway light to get her a towel. As I gave it to her in the light she pointed out all the towels on the floor I had been swimming in. k I'll continue this later. this was the obstacle course and we came out of it way more mellow and the rest was awesome:cheers2:. this won't be terribly long btw
looking forward to the next bit. I love those moments when you realize just how absurd your actions are. Ive had some great ones.
yeah for real up till then it was the most bizarre netherworld and once I was able to laugh at it the trip turned great. ****** It felt good to hand her the towel and to rid myself of the notion that she was a separate entity and I went to lay on the floor again. I had been totally lost and confused; out of my mind insane. The attempts to locate towels became attempts to get my mind around what was happening and what to do. With the towels I had reached one but grasping it was impossible, like I was pulling up roots from underground which had no end; ever-pulling and getting more lost in the piles that accumulated. I felt more and more like the ouroboric serpent chasing its tail; I was following something but there was no destination, and the path I had carved out folded in upon itself, as if weaving a basket. These thought patterns still prevailed as lay on the floor, with visual companions to what my mind was doing. The more I focused on the complexity of what was unravelling and then tightening, the more strangled my existence felt. I knew there was no end to this pattern and thus no end to the suffocation. About this time J spoke to me confirming something I told her about my solo trip in the dark: it was like picking up your life and universe with your hand like a christmas tree ornament and seeing it from a 4D perspective, rotating back and forth vulnerably. She said that's what was going on for her. I realized that's what was happening to me, except I was still stuck in the world that J was seeing as an outsider. At that point I left myself there and rose above it, looking down on it as if it were a blanket, a beautiful cosmic interdimensional one, with all possible colors, people, scenarios, objects, quantum ribbons...anything and everything. I had been forming it and now I was viewing it, and in each of the intersections of cross-stitching was an eye staring back at me; One awareness, but infinite eyes stretching out into eternity in a perfect, undulating geometric matrix. I felt like a baby on that cosmic quilt; as I had been forming it, it was madness...endless thought loops with no end, no climax or destination and ever-suffocating my mind and body. Now I could curl up in it like a blanket; after leaving my mind there it was a comfortable, interactive home. It was cozy but also rapturous and climactic. It was still bursting out higher and wider through endlessness by means of the temporal cross-stitching I had just been a part of. The thread that was my individual life was nowhere in sight, swallowed up, insignificant in this interpersonal matrix. I was glad because it had been oppressive, and now I could see 4d the role that my thread played in this scheme. It all fit perfectly together; all the joys, sorrows, chaos, triumphs, murders, arts and a shitload of other stuff very alien but very calming and familiar-everything had a place, and it wouldn't have formed or followed a pattern without every thing. All the good, bad, black, white and all inbetween. And in the 4-way intersection of each quantum stitch was an eye-the Eye, repeated as often as it had the stitching as a medium, which appeared to be infinite. The blanket deepened and solidified to form what looked and felt like a bassinet, me the baby laying in the bottom and the walls of it stretched upward into the infinite.The eyes still prevailed in the cross-stitching except now they were moving along the threads as if cells in a bloodstream. I felt the stream of eyes feed into my body, up from eternity and down the matrix into my bloodstream, nourishing my infant self. I wasn't overwhelmed with emotion but felt complete awe and was very glad I had eaten the acid despite my prior doubts. I always know I'm going to get my ass kicked by lucy; it's just part of the deal. I was elated that the ass-kicking had subsided and that I had reached a state of unity with the ass-kicker. to be cont.
J was lying next to me and we listened to headphones, one a piece so we could hear the same songs. Being so close on the floor made it hard to get comfortable, so much that I wanted to move away but that meant being alone. It was a dillema but I realized I could be content with the discomfort if that also meant laying next to her, which yielded an intense epiphany: "being together requires some discomfort!" This spoke loudly regarding the shower scene's comedy of errors,but also as soon as I accepted the pain as my bond to her, I was reinstated into my place within the blanket matrix. She was fastened to my side via the discomfort and through her I was fused to everything else; all matter, all of you. We were all the conduit of an ever-burning fire, driving us through eternity while we ushered it through etenity. Now not only could I sense my own thread in the blanket but I could interact with the other quantum theads around me. The feeling in my side that once was pain was now the feeling of being joyfully inseparable from my wife and all existence. Before the pain was chaotic and confusing, and I knew those attributes were still there somewhere and doing there share to maintain the bond. It was so blissful that it was surprising when my parents popped into my head. I had been thinking of them in the days preceding the trip and felt an "uh-oh" moment. They are ultra-conservative in their snap judgments but hypocritical like the others. That week my mom had laid a heavy guilt trip on me which left a nasty feeling in my gut and I had been seeing my life through their eyes for a couple of days which was unpleasant and depressing. I refused to let them ruin this trip and just accepted that I have these parents to deal with. At this, their presence was grafted into the quilt matrix and they were simply next to me, not ruling me. Also their presence was no longer egoic but essential, and they were brother and sister like all the other threads in the quilt. They were no longer watching me, but dancing with me and everyone else. The only watcher were the eyes, still abundantly present, one in each intersection of threads. We all undulated with one another. For the first time in recent memory I thought of my parents joyfully and lovingly. I sobbed in gratitude that they were still on this earth and I could still show them how much I loved them. I let all my ideological pride dissolve and it was no longer the neo-con parents and the hippie pothead son, it was just parents and child in the most innocent and vibrational sense since the womb (in theory). Most of the friction I'd had with my parents was due to my leaving their state and resulting in my mom missing her son. This is why J immediately missed our son at the trip onset; the mom-missing-her-boy feeling was rooted in my mom, projected through me and onto my wife, who remarked that she had a better understanding of where my parents were coming from. I thought of and relished many dusty memories of my parents and felt only love. I decided I'd be a better son by calling them once a week without demanding ideological validation and just play their game. I'm capable of that; they are incapable of accepting my beliefs (in mormonism, giving validation to other belief systems is contrary to the black-and-white orthodoxy of mormonism). So in order to have my 'rents in my life I must make the concession (another form of discomfort necessary for togetherness). After the parent occurrence J and I were totally mellow and could lose ourselves in songs and be of one mind. I felt right with my 'rents and all humanity. My attention went to the discomfort/blissful link in my side and noticed my body in a series of other human bodies light up for a millisecond, then pass away and vaporize...on and on down the family tree, like dominoes. I thought "Look how easily human beings live and die!" but the fiery energy that consumed them got hotter and brighter and escalated on and on into infinity, as a voice said "yes, but WE are young." I felt the mortality of my body and that all it was doing was dying, and the voice again said, "yes, but WE are young!" I saw my life and that it would have plenty of discomfort and challenges, to which the voice again said "yes, but WE are YOUNG!" I could think any thought that would be troubling to the egoic realm, but the answer would come back the same each time "yes, but WE are young!" Each time this phrase came my soul was sent higher and higher into infinity and ecstasy , and I could feel endlessness. Not because no end would come but because my mental appendages could feel a borderless universe and I just knew infinity was a real concept. When I was stuck in my head I could feel endlessness because the thought loops would never end. Above the matrix of life could feel it because each temporal objection I had was met by this voice exclaiming that we are young and the accompanying fire burst through the top of my head even more and there was no end to the ecstasy; I felt I couldnt endure it as a mortal but it kept growing to no end yet I remained alive. The more human matter that was created by my thoughts, the more kindling the fire had to burn to the heavens. The older we humans got as a race, the younger and more vibrant and energetic the fire got. We grow old, but WE are young! My awareness consisted of entire ampitheaters of universes with every thing. I quieted my egoself and was only aware of simple, awe-struck entirety; nothing and no one was lacking. Everyone was me and I was everyone, but I repeat myself. Our constitution seemed to be the collective fibers of a feminine entity that existed through and because of us. I felt as if embraced in the palm of the feminine giant. The eyes in all the crevices were her eyes, opening wider and smiling grander as the universal tapestry proceeded in its endless cross-stitching.
J and I had put the music player on shuffle. The band 1200 Mics was a wild trip. J preferred Brian Eno and Harold Budd b/c of her low dose. I endorsed the Budd selection by pounding my fists on the floor excaliming "he fuckin gets it!" J put on what she always considered "our song" which was Long Trip Alone by Dierks Bentley. I didn't hear the lyrics but let myself become the song. The feminine entity remained, but it was J now; she became a black silhouette and filled the room and my physical makeup underneath me. I looked at the window blinds lit up by the candles. They were horizontal divisions of pure shades of black and white; the two colors had opposite pigment but were equally brilliant to me. J's underlying presence formed vines of darkness that grew up the walls. The vines would bloom roses at their tops, and my wife was in full bloom, and surrounded me. I later saw that the visuals of vines and roses were playing off a houseplant with a red ribbon around its vase. After that the room shifted from a cross-stitched theme to a mirror of duality theme. Every object that was and wasn't there was split symmetrically; one half pure white, the other total dark. The divisions were vivid and simple. I didn't know which objects existed and which didn't, all I knew was half white/half black both within and without myself. My emotions then are impossible to describe; the most consistent word is "home." Or maybe I felt similar to a grandparent embracing his spouse on a mutual deathbed, halfway between this world and the next, looking at the many photos of kids and grandkids on the walls of their wood cabin. For me the photos were these split objects of black and white. I couldn't place them in any earthly context though; they were indecipherable except for the presence of black and white. Then J spoke, wondering where my mind was. I tried to give her an answer but I couldn't since my mind had been totally silent-no comments or interpretations. I was fully present and felt like she and I had been the same person with one awareness. I hadn't felt the need to tell her anything because I was aware of no other person (words are flaccid about that but I assume many know what I mean). Since she had spoken my mind came back in to do its thing, and I felt distinctly that the only thing I could call "real" was the invisible border between all the black and white sillhouettes; the halves were reflections of reflections:willy_nilly:. It was then time to burn a bowl, and I couldn't help conceptualize something. I had spoken to J before about the illusion of duality from my other trips; at this time the illusion of duality was omnipresent. She said "what do you mean by that?" I smiled exultantly and managed "If you're everything you're also alone." She didn't understand why you would be alone. "Because if you are everything, then nothing exists outside of you. It's you, and nothing..." I was holding my face as I spoke like Macauley Culkin because I was overwhelmed by the concept. J's head lit up, "that's right!" I pontificated: "The last thing anyone wants is to be alone, and if I were a lonely god, I'd create a friend. I would create an illusion of another person, the illusion of a separate self. Since I'm everything I would be dividing myself to create the separate self, and since those two halves are actually a split whole, they would feel incomplete as a "half self" and would still have a drive to return to one-ness. Since joining together again would result in raw alone-ness, the two halves just repeat what the original did: create the illusion of a separate self. Each generation preserved both the drive to not be alone and the drive to be the whole that it all fundamentally is. On and on, divisions upon divisions, more mirrored selves until here we are in ego-reality, the most individuated version yet...but still a fragment, still an illusory self. Just fulfilling the original purpose of being convinced of a separate existence." J said "So God is delusional..." It's as good a statement as any, lol! During the abundant duality themes, J handed me the music player with the song "sound of silence" by Simon & Garfunkel. She felt like I needed to hear it. It was dissonant and weird to me but I listened to it later in the night. It overwhelmed me to tears. Garfunkel's shirt was black-and-white striped like the dual window blinds and he had a look of subdued love and understanding, like he'd appreciate and entertain anyone and anything. (see pic) I'll post the lyrics; it's a well known song but I hadn't ever listened to it till then. Sounds like he ate a good dose hehe. Other songs I'd recommend for a trip are paul simon's "hearts and bones," and "late in the evening." Hello darkness, my old friend, Ive come to talk with you again, Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone, neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of A neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence. And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening, People writing songs that voices never share And no one deared Disturb the sound of silence. Fools said i,you do not know Silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, Take my arms that I might reach you. But my words like silent raindrops fell, And echoed In the wells of silence And the people bowed and prayed To the neon God they made. And the sign flashed out its warning, In the words that it was forming. And the signs said, the words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls. And whisperd in the sounds of silence.
At a point J said she was kinda horny and the word "sex" was mentioned. All sorts of symbolate imagery flew through my head that was associated with sex. I was still way too far out and sex would be too much. I said "what do you really want?" she said "an orgasm." that really cleared the air. I told her orgasms on acid are cosmically amazing; like a kid discovering it for the first time, only better. She laid next to me and used a vibrator. I got lost in a song and forgot about her and was wondering what was up with the moaning? I laughed as I remembered what she was doing. She kept coming and I kept on belly-laughing. The quantum embroidery came to me again and it was propelled higher and wider in cadence with her orgasms and my laughter. It was a bizarre dance that I lost control of; she told me to stop laughing but her 'gasms were fueling my laughter, which was its own orgasm. The sensations kept flaming up my spine and bursting out the top of my head like a geyser. It was nothing more than the ardency of youth, incinerating and renewing my spine. J later said that she was of two consciousnesses: one that was riding the waves of the orgasms and another that was laughing at her for solo-ing herself so many times in front of another person. But I had been climaxing too, it was just in the form of orgasmic, ecstatic laughter. Hers were fueling mine and I thought mine may have been fueling hers, and again my mind felt endlessness. Our fire-conduit reached further into the vacuum; my spine was strengthened and stretched by the inferno of new energy blasting up from its base-all stemming from the hilarity of a kid discovering orgasms. We are young. After I stood up a line kept recurring: "laughter is the orgasm that never ends." It was astonishing how hard and long I laughed and it seemed to create endless youthful energy. I thought that if other people's drug of choice allowed them to laugh that hard and have tons of natural energy later, then more power to them. I put on the headphones and danced involuntarily. J later said that at certain times I looked like Elaine from Seinfeld doing her ugly dance with the odius kicks, but otherwise it looked natural and pleasant. The times I looked jerky were when I noticed I was dancing and started putting effort into it. Otherwise I wasn't thinking and the music was in control and as it happened I was the rest of the world, no one and no thing was absent. Acid and candle light is the best. J realized she was only afraid of the artificial light, that it was forced through light fixtures. The essential presence of the small flames was perfect. As I stared at one, the matrix re-materialized in a rotating cone shape, flaring up from the flame/source as if a 3D slide projection. The world was taking place with the 2D walls of the translucent cone. The imagery in the walls was volatile, graphic and colorful while the rotating motion of the cone was gentle and constant. I could alternate between seeing the eventful cone from the flame's perspective underneath/within and my own eyes apart from it. I raised my celebratory arms, helping usher the procession skyward. Thoughts of the illusion/deluded and the creator/created were prominent in mind. I could influence or create the events in the translucent cone and then become it, acting as an insider and feeling the flame at my base. With the swipe of one arm I was the creator of the illusion, with the swipe of the other I was the created and the delusional. Then I went back to dancing and felt the conic matrix emulating from the top of my head; the flame at my base fueled the dancing and the cone. I was the pied piper of existence, the author of the universe as I perceive it, living it as I created it. All were present both living and dead.
I enjoyed that, thanks. Reading it reminded me of some very distinct feelings from my trips. Like when you listen to an old song, and all these things just align, and you feel like your back in that time experiencing the vibe of then. Then you feel like your parents kind of felt like. I never liked that feeling very much, it was always alleviated by the fact that the future is going to be filled with much much new and novel situations my parents never could even comprehend. Which your 'but we are young' reminds me alot of that, in the same way that it's refreshing to think we still have so much to do in order to pull ourselves out of the past. I have one question. Was the matrix composed out of triangles (tetrahedrons for 3D)? Or squares and octagons? Or just squares, cubes?
Excellent post, thanks I definitely got a great sense of a lot of the things you experienced. I will post some more specific comments later.
You can remember a lot of your trip in such a chronological thread! p.s. perhaps the word that applies best to the 'discomfort' of being with your wife very close is 'Compromise'
all of the above actually. when it first showed up they seemed like octagons. but after I ascended above it it was basically square based; and then the whole of it would take any possible shape. the pic is the closest description I could find of it. at each of the intersections of black lines would've held an eye, and the colored tiles would've contained the interactive events and imagery. thanks all for posting. haha yeah I guess I seem to remember the trip uncannily, idk why. this one was really hard to find many words for though. I have more to add but I'll do it later. :cheers2:
J mentioned having weird body sensations so I told her to drink water and use the bathroom and eat some fruit. It helped but she was still unsettled. She still felt weird and her hand trembled when she held it out. She thought her blood sugar was low. The possibility of needing protein occurred and J agreed with surprise and jubilance, saying she was glad I'd done this before. I busted into some smoked salmon and got a surge of new energy, but it was aggressive energy. I felt a real but contained desire to attack and consume. I demonstrated what I might be like if I acted only on this impulse. I think I attacked the couch as if it were a buffalo and caused the building to shake somewhat. J was taken aback by the raw strength. I said "aren't you glad I'm as even-tempered as I am?" She was glad I was a gentle giant, that I underrate my strength. I told her I reach this point with every trip, I have the option of rebuilding myself into my fixed plane of reality or transcend it and exist on the super-temporal. By choosing to eat the food of this reality, I'm choosing to exist in this reality since I am what I eat. I said when I leave my usual reality and look upon it as a flimsy christmas decoration, I realize I can exist however I want in any realm. But I'm partial to this world and if I went to the end of the cosmos I'd still want to return here because I like this reality. She got weepy and said she was flattered because she tries very hard to make life easier and better for me. She received validation in this state because she could see in a naked sense that I can be and do anything, but I'm with her and the kids because I love them. She saw that I didn't just end up where I'm at but I chose to be here and am content with it. That's probly more intimate than I can really express. The food gave me mad energy to keep dancing and new imagery appeared. At first it was a single bright point in an empty void. It shot forth a ribbon of energy similar to a solar flare which formed the border of a human head, which stayed visible only for a split second. The flare was an elliptical-shaped energy wall that contained the humanoid and related images. It was silvery-blue in color. The energy point seemed to be projecting a diminished quantity of itself via the energy flare and the resultant activities within the parameters of the flare. In this vision there was only one energy flare, repeated many times in a quick stacatto pattern, like static electricity. It had the rhythm of an old-school film projector; you were aware of each passing frame and the gaps of dark inbetween, as the movie proceeded effortlessly. The point of energy relied on the projection to express itself and the projection relied on the point for its very existence. I can't tell how the segue occurred but the symbiotic scenario was reduced to another expression; I was the point of light, I could sense a vacuum of nothingness around me. I was watching the same fleeting human illusions on a tv set, feeling connected to and dependent on it. I felt like the unwitting author and source of the tv imagery. As I blazed a bowl this setting felt very familiar, like there had always been this version of me sitting in the background of my human affairs; the awareness had nothing else to watch. It was good to visit with this other self and it seemed like we were sharing a bong. All of you and everyone else seemed present. I don't know what we're a part of. I can't appreciate what we are but we're beautiful and insignificant. I don't know how it can be that we're bound together as one organism and spirit but I'm sure of this at levels so deep they didn't exist before I received that knowledge. Perhaps I can say more with this attachment. I stumbled upon this that night tripping after feeling like I was one leg among many of an enormous creature, who was invisible to us and whose only perspective was innocence and jubilance.
I believe the cubed array is what the hindu's called indra's net. What I'm thinking is that, above the cubed one, there is another one made out of triangles, tetrahedrons.
whoa thanks ry. there's a lot of info on that. I was so reluctant to interpret it as anything but this is hugely intriguing.
