So, i'm not feeling myself. I don't know where to begin with this. I've always been anxious, but especially depressed and anxious for like the past 8 or so years. I'm 20 male btw. I feel lonely and can't seem to enjoy myself almost ever. I feel like I know everything wrong with me and how to fix it, but I'm too lonely to do it and everyone around is too closed-minded to understand. I guess I'll start with this. Like I said I;ve always been anxious and "shy" and depressed. When I was younger, grammar school age, a few people called me gay. I had had some gay thoughts so i believed them I guess but denied it (to myself and them). After starting to believe that I was gay it was hard for me to be myself. I avoided girls a bit because I was afraid they'd like me, but i couldn't like them back. I couldn't hang out with the guys too often because what if the topic of girls came up? I spent allot of time by myself. I did have a group of friends that were open-minded enough to not care if i was gay though, but i still didn't feel like myself around them, and I didn't have much fun around them. My family was a church going family, Christian. My mom is against gays. I knew this when I was younger, and I also had the idea that it wasn't right to be gay. I never really planned ahead of high school because of this... I guess i was thought that the point of life was to have a family and kids... So i didn't put much thought into college or even work for when I got into the "real world". my junior and senior year of HS was hell. Public schools seem to me almost pointless. I was a mildly popular guy. I could get along in any group, would occasionally party with the more popular kids. Anyway people are assholes with no respect. I didn't get bullied or anything, just hearing peoples drama, and stuff made me depressed. And every time I heard the word gay or fag my gut would sink and I'd think... of sleeping... I was almost a zombie. I couldn't talk to anybody, not even my family. I still feel that way that's why i'm posting here. I went to the doctors and got some depression medicine. but the only thing that did to me was make me more open about how pissed off I was at everybody. At the start of senior year I started smoking pot (before the medicines, which I stopped taking). Definitely smoking pot for the wrong reasons, abusing it daily, which i still do. After hiighschool i felt relaxed a bit, I didn't have to be around so many ignorant people everyday. but still i wasn't alright. I still had anxiety about being gay. I started to read about anxiety and depression, and meditation, and some other spiritual/psychological stuff. First it was the anxiety stuff though. It said to relax, live in the moment and don't think about the future, eat right, exercise. Tried it all but trying it was the problem, you can't try you just have to live. anyway I started to meditate bit, not much but enough to make me feel a bit better. I just don't have the discipline to do it when i should. I started thinking about religion. Religion to me is this. God is positive energy, everything is energy. People believe in God, but I believe in energy. Your thoughts attract your reality along with your actions. You can think and receive instead of praying to "god" to receive, it's the same thing. I've noticed this. I've attracted happiness and attracted like minded music,movies, and met people out of coincidence. I kind of think that this is why i'm gay. I thought i was gay so I became "gay". I now don't really belive in sexuality. I'm a virgin to everything sexual, which makes me more depressed. What does attract me is older men. I feel like the reasoning for that is because they make me feel secure. I feel like if i was more confident and secure myself than i wouldn't have that attraction anymore. I also feel like I have that attraction to be with an older man is because I never felt connected to my dad. I want a father figure in my life, even now that i'm older. I'm not against straight sex, it's just that most of the girls i've met in my lifetime are crazy, lol, and caught up with fakeness and drama. ANd also I think i'd like to experiment with an older women more then one my own age. because my lack security...? I feel like the way people live is fake and pointless. Anyway, what it comes down to is that i'm lonely! I need some people in mylife to help me out for awhile but I can't seem to find anybody. I haven't really been relaxed in years. I know I'm not living to my potential, i'm barely living at all, even though to other people i seem to be living fine. Everyone seems like they're living too fast to actually live with passion, they don't work with passion, and don't even love with passion. I feel like when people talk they're just talking, not connecting, not learning, just passing time with entertainment talk and gossip. I feel like there are alot of people who feel the same way, I hear it in music. I feel like the media is catching on to it, but they're going to make a fad out of it. like being green and eating organic. I don't really trust anyone. I don't trust medicine. I feel like there is one base problem for this type or mentality tthat people call "depression" and that is what i just mentioned, things are too unnatural the balance is out of whack. and theres no possible way to fix it except to be a good attentive passionate person, but society don't let that happen these days. People think that activism is helping, but I'm not to sure it is. I get annoyed by them even when I support their causes. It's like, I believe you can't fight anything or it will become worse. but no one understands that. People just keep leading fake lives getting fake energy from drama, gossip, shitty food, sex, and drugs instead of getting it from a true connection to divine energy. I believe my depression has been created from my environment and the parenting i had. I used to think the anxiety problem was from pot but it clearly isn't. I see sober people with the same anxiety. I don't know where this post is going so I'm going to leave you guys with something I wrote. "I have no security, like everyones ignorin me. Can't feel pleasant can't feel free. At times I know it all sometimes I can't let go at all but most the time im in a fall Thats when I smoke it all and then stop. three days of pleasant [sober] livin I deal with all the stress that's given eat right, my health is out of sight. I'm happy with my fight against the quick delight. It's like everything I do is right, Divine. Finally i know what it's like to control my mind. I let my soul flow blind and see the synchronicity shine. all those positive things i thought just came true all because I stopped dwellin on the blue and kept everything new. The repitition is what kills me, cause everything that thrills me is so out of sight. I need to stop gettin high every single night. People that bring me hype are one in many maybe even non existant. I'm sick of the same shit i'm sick of people with no soul no passion i'm sick of songs that don't hit even after I'm ripped the lack of soul given makes me feel like i'm trippen in a loop. anxiety driven. thats when the pot comes back. and thats when I feel relaxed for about two weeks. five days pass and I'm feelin the fall. my soul just rang said that sobriety calls." yeah, so I feel like I know what to do... I just can't do it. let me know what you think.
Sorry to hear your struggling like this. I can't directly relate cause I'm always walking around happy and shit. It's wierd though, almost opposite. I don't know why either but sometimes I have to fake being sad to avoid coming off like a jerk or inappropriate. I like what you wrote, not sure if it's a song but I bet you could put it to music. Try laying off the pot just to see if anything changes, it can't hurt anyway. Good luck.
If you question your own sanity, you are still sane. Slumps come and go, some lasting longer than others? In your post I didn't see anything you were grateful for. If you don't keep things in mind you are grateful for, and just dwell on things that are ailing you, there is no balance... just downward spiral. I sure wish I was happy all the time, too, and that social problems and financial problems didn't exist. Alas, life is a ride... buckle in and find something that makes you happy. Anything at all. While in rehab, i was forced to make a list of things i was most grateful for everytime i made a negative comment. And let me tell you, after ten minutes of making a list and thinking about good things, you just won't want to put any stock into depression. I know we live in a new age, but happiness and contentment are not instant.
I don't know about this energy stuff, but if you have a problem looking to the future and finding distractions is not a solution. You need to focus on the problem with some intensity. I mean really look into it. If this hurts then it's a good sign it's working. Ask yourself questions. You just have to know yourself. Don't look for distractions. That's what I think anyway.
Oh. Hahahahahah. I'm sorry I can't really give you advice then since I can't really see from your perspective. Hey, but you know, whatever it is don't worry too much about it. Life is good. Try new things and don't regret.
uhh... I don't know where you quoted that from? And thanks for the reply's everyone. It's nice to actually communicate this stuff with people instead of thinking about.
It's society that's gone crazy, for all the obvious reasons you mentioned in your post. I know this, because after reading your post I realized that's exactly what I've always thought, and I know others who are the same way. Granted there's far fewer people that think logically without too much of a bias (ignorance) than there are those that do...but they are still out there. I personally am not gay, but I always hated when people use(d) the terms "gay, fag, etc.." in a negative manor (gay by definition means happy...ironic huh?). I've known a few homosexuals and simply because they have a difference in sexual preference does not make the individual "bad" in any way. People need something to care about, and unfortunately these days they tend to care for things that are much less "meaningful", ie. materialistic goods, pop culture, sports, and the list goes on. However it is the right of any human to choose his or her own interests in life, so long as they do no wrong to others in pursuing them. Therefore it's not right to "dislike" them for pursuing what we would consider as petty interests. People don't need to be in agreement, they simply need to be able to coexist peacefully without forcing their opinions upon others. You mentioned you started smoking when you were a senior in high school. Well, I've been smoking since I was like 14, I'm 19 now (almost 20), and I can tell you one thing for sure, pot will not single handedly solve any of your problems. It can assist in meditation if taken with the right mindset, as it has the potential to aid in an ability to see past certain biases. However I'd recommend staying "sober" for a while...man's a creature of habit, so naturally it will get easier to not smoke after a while. I've never really considered herb to be "addictive", but there's definetely a psychological dependence, no matter how minuet that forms to anything if done consistently, especially if that something (usually a substance of some kind) is being used to treat/suppress another something. So, ultimately it's up to you....if you think herb is causing more harm than it is good, then quit or simply cut back...find whatever balance fits YOU. I guess the best thing to let you know is, you're not "alone" despite what you may think...like I said before there are other's who have not necessarily all the exact same thoughts you do, but similar in regards to society. Life is opinion, so act according to the way you see things, even if it is different than that of the majority....Personally I consider the majority to be very monotonous and for lack of better word "boring", so seeing things in a different and generally "deeper" way is a VERY good thing...consider yourself blessed, not cursed. Namaste
Nice post. I agree with what you say and have thought like that for awhile but... idk... even though I think like that it doesn't help me out much. There are too many other factors bringing me down. There's no doubt i feel like i can get over this issue and be a better person but I can't do it by myself. that's my main balance issue, being social and being alone. I've been working on it but it's still killing me to be around people who I think are "blind". Basically I know what i need to do to get better. but... it's taking awhile and im impatient...and occasionally give up. peace.
it's like i don't need information from people I need people to be around who are relaxed, truthful and alive and that's all. After I'm around those people, I could then work my way into feeling more able(selfconfident) to be around dipshits, lol.
