Serious problem. Please help.

If this post seems a bit disorderly or jumbled, forgive me. I really don't know how to put this all into words easily.

Let me start off by saying that I'm gay and I'm 16 years old. I've been with this guy for the past 8 months now. It's been the craziest thing I've ever gone through in my whole life.

We met through a friend and got to talking online and he really liked me and wanted to hang out and cuddle sometime. I would always say no. He persisted and one day I just gave in since he said he was in the neighborhood.

One of the big issues was he was 25 when we started seeing each other. He's 26 now. Big age gap, but I felt I was pretty mature for my age and didn't feel that awkward about the whole thing. The whole relationship was kept secret. Another issue was that he didn't want to be a homo, even though he very much was. He hid it from everyone and wouldn't ever accept it. These things weren't much of a problem at first because we were just having fun. Basically we'd cuddle, kiss, watch movies, I'd sleep over. It was nice. I never had been with someone that I liked so much. Another thing I liked was that we were technically both virgins, and there were some very innocent and endearing qualities about him.

This whole thing went on from February til now. Things definitely got increasingly more sexual as time went on (oral), but we never actually had sex because according to him it wouldn't be right to have sex with a guy. His religious/social beliefs definitely had a big effect on our relationship. I think this has a lot to do with him still being a virgin.

I became so attached to him, I just couldn't let go. I loved him. He would never tell me he loved me though, and I know this is because he didn't want to be gay. He felt weird saying it. I tried to turn my back on him so many times, I knew that it was wrong to be with someone who couldn't accept his true self. He'd always reel me back in though.

We've had a lot of bumps in the road, but things always ended up working out, but more recently things have been getting kind of out of hand. He'd been hanging out with new people and going to bars a lot, pretending to be straight in front of all his new friends. He'd later distance himself from me and tell me that he can't balance me with the rest of his life and new friends so we won't be able to see each other as much. This was devastating to me. The person I spent the last 6 months hanging out with, opening up to is now pushing me away. But even after that, we became close again and things went somewhat back to normal. That's only one example, but I'll spare you.

This "relationship" has really gotten to me. I don't take care of myself like I used to, it's hard for me to get out of bed some days, I obsess over him, I have nightmares, I feel very unmotivated. I constantly worry about the outcome of everything.

He told me a week ago that he wanted to start dating girls because his friend (who believes he is straight) is pressuring him to date some of her friends. What am I supposed to say to that? Him and I have been pretty much exclusive to each other since day 1, so this is scary for me. He wants to keep me around and assured me he'd only be casually dating and that maybe he'll date these people and realize he just wants to be friends with them.

I don't know what to do. This guy treats me like shit half the time and treats me nice the other. I'm so confused and the past 8 months have been a whirlwind. I do love and care about him a lot and it's hard to see my life without him. I don't know what to do or how to stop talking to him. Maybe I should wait it out? I don't know. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad guy, he's really sweet and caring at times...which makes it extra confusing.

I'm going through a lot and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Can anyone give me advice? I've been struggling the past 6 months with this stuff.

Thanks

 

maybe he is bisexual, but u have to understand that some people are just twats, does he kiss u passionately

 

Yeah, very passionately actually. I'm pretty sure he's gay because he told me he only looks at gay porn... amongst other things.

 

It's most likely not even worth trying with him until he can have the confidence to admit his true sexual identity. I mean, you could probably still be friends, but It seems like you're just going to keep getting hurt if you try and stay with him.

 

not worth it. you arent an object, and he's treating you like one. if he's got things to learn about himself, then as a guy who is ten years older than you, he should depend on himself and not on you to do that for him. you're only freakin 16! Im not saying im a lot older, but there IS an effect with having a relationship between someone who is ten years older than you, they are simply at a different place in their lives and its really uncomparable to what you're going through. I dated someone older than me and it was nice and everything, but we were just too far apart in age at the time.

he sounds pretty persistant, and if months of being with you hasnt helped him become more comfrotbale, nothing will until HE decides to make a change.

 

you have to move on mate - yes it can be hard to leave somone who you loved but there are other people out there.
Give him time to sort him self out and move on yourself.

 

How do I move on if he's always reeling me back in? It's so hard to have self-control...

 

You just have to, one of those things. It will hurt like hell, and will feel like the most stupid thing you have ever done- but deep down you must know it is the right call to forget about him.

To stay with someone who wants to keep you his dirty little secret, to me, seems like you would be compromising your own happiness. Only if he can at least accept what he is, and what he likes, then you should see to pursue onwards.

 

Ugh. Right now he's deciding to be nice to me and initiate conversation, I don't know what to do, how to react... He's an ass half the time and nice the other half.

What do I do guys?

 

Just tell him face to face that you dont want to be his dirty little secret and to leave you alone. - If he realie loves you he wont treat you this way - i know it can be hard but move on, - it may not seam right now but after time - you will realise.

Good luck.

 

Thanks... I think what I'm going to try to do is hang out with him, have fun like we usually do, and then towards the end of the night have a talk about everything and seriously tell him I don't want to be his "dirty little secret" anymore. I'm scared it may not end well, but I'm sick of hurting like this.

Sometimes I think if I keep my mouth shut and not pressure him to do anything, in time him and me could work out... but this is taking way too long and it's way too stressful, so maybe it's best to "nip it in the bud".

Does anyone know what else I should say to him?

 

you're lying to yourself if you think you will hang out and THEN break it off.

skip the hanging out part. just break it off. If he's nasty enough, out him.

 

I like him a lot though, it's really hard for me to just break it off. And out him? haha seriously?

 

Tell him to fuck right off. Sorry for the vile language, but my twin has a girlfriend just the same, treating him like shit and then reeling him back in, and I will say to you nothing good can come of it. Really, take it from someone who knows, you WON'T be happy. You will ruin your education, he will make you ditch your friends, he will make you turn on your family.

If someone is cruel to you, you have to do it right back. I mean, what right has he got to do what he's doing to you? Dump him, then out him. Then you'll still have your dignity.

 

Hey, i'm straight, but anyone of any orientation can tell you that it is exceedingly rare for a 26 year old to have a legitimate relationship with a 16 year old. You are at a very vulnerable time in your life, whether you feel "mature for your age" or not. It's a fact of biology. If there's anything all cradle robbers have in common, it's that they look for someone underage who wants to feel exceptional. I can't tell you how many 16 year old girls have turned me on in the past and will in the future, but it's the difference between people and animals: people choose, animals just do. Nothing is set in stone, and it is possible for a 16 year old boy to have a positive relationship with a guy 10 years older, but he is obviously treating you like dirt. If he's not treating you right, he's got no rights. Out him.

You sound like a great guy, and there are other great guys out there. Try to be patient.

 

- too true you time will come and i am sure you will find anougher guy but first tell him to fuck off - just go for it.

 

Yeah but the age in consent in CT is 16

 

I really don't think he's necessarily a predator or whatever... it's possible, but it just doesn't sound like that kind of thing. It sounds like the other guy is still sort of sexually immature, so they have stuff in common (no offense).

If someone knows that you will do what they want, most people (straight, gay, men, women) WILL string you along. That's just a reality of life. Most people think they are above it, but when you're in that position where you're undecided and they're not, it's hard not to come up with reasons to get as much as you can out of it. It's not because they mean to hurt you or anything, just that they're experiencing an inner conflict and having a hard time making a definite decision.

But as a rule, when something is this unstable, it's probably best not to pursue it any further. If someone isn't sure, the odds are they're never going to love you, no matter how much they might want to. And even if someone does say they love you, it doesn't mean they're not going to treat you like shit-- especially if they're ashamed of it.

 

is that all u can lot can do is OUT HIM, u gays fuck me right off, give the guy a break will you aswell he is probably going through alot in his own mind, but no u lot go lets "out him" because "you want to add to the gay population to make you feel better" grow the fuck up

 

oh my god you just did not say that. He does NOT have the right to make this guy feel like shit, regardless. If you were doing the same to someone else, I'd out you in a second. Why? Because you would diserve it! You say we get on your nerves? You are fucking mental case! You are just protecting him because you've probably done the same thing. I can see you as someone who treats a vunerable person like shit. And, what's this about gaining recruits? We aren't that sad, stop imagining that in your perverted little mind you sick... thing. If you think that way, maybe next time you shouldn't ask for our help over and over again. And, to be honest, I'm really glad I FUCK YOU RIGHT OFF.