At an all time low (depression and feeling of pointlessness)

Hello everyone. First thing's first, I'm not depressed in a suicidal sense, which is the good news. The thing is, I'm like, neither happy nor sad, just extremely in the middle I feel like I don't feel anything at all, which is basically depression. I have very complex and an annoying psychological disorder, and in general I've always felt isolated from the world around me. The irony is that I have friends, and people do seek me out and hang out with me and do enjoy their time with me, I just fake it and act like I enjoy my time back, but I haven't had fun since I was a very young child. I've basically been depressed for a very long time and I've always felt like life was pointless. I can't find happiness in anything anymore no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to connect with nature, other people, etc. I can do it, and other people like me.

I've had my fair share of girlfriends, I've gotten laid, I have a caring family, etc. Which is why none of it makes sense. I'm just downright miserable. Even when my friends are around me it's like I'm still trapped in my mental hell/prison. I feel extremely self-conscious around other people and I have a lot of anxiety, and I can hardly sleep at night anymore either. I feel like socializing is a chore, and I also have an annoying identity crisis. I don't know who I "am." And everytime I humorize with others and the laugh, deep down inside I feel miserable like hell, and my mind will start calling myself the actor. I hate my identity crisis, it feels like this inescapable delusion of insecurity and depressed delusions of my identity. I try so hard to live in the "present moment" as eastern religions suggest but I just can't fucking do it. I feel so down and out right now, like there's no point to anything.

I'm also an expert on the subject of depression in general, so it's more complex than that. I don't know who the fuck I "am" and I feel like anytime i communicate with ANYONE my mind/ego is giving me this actor's role that's fake and bs, which makes me feel even worse. I've tripped on LSD several times, and the first time I tripped it was egoless and heavenly, I basically learned that everything I do is part of my godly divine essence, and I felt extremely blissful and wrote things on paper like I had gotten all the "answers" to my social problems of who I am and such that I suddenly felt love again for the first time, unconditional love and a connection with the "all" that was undescribable, like heaven. After that trip I had learned soooo much about how to operate without ego and the mental prison and I felt freed at last.

Well guess what, I wanted to relive that experience and ended up tripping on it a few more times, most of them resulting in bad trips of extreme insecure confusion of who I was. I ended up having very bad trips and during the trips I got this idea that I might be insane forever, and the insanity has stayed with me since. I feel like I've fucked my life up psychologically, and the last time I did shrooms and had an anxiety trip it stressed my neck out and my brain feels this painful throb. Since then, the painful throb is still there and I don't feel quite right in the head at all and haven't experienced an ounce of happiness in years. (Of course I didnt trip too long ago, all my trips consisted of a year or two ago up until now.)

For the past year in attempting to duplicate my first heavenly tripped I"ve looked a lot into Buddhism and "letting go." I've done so much research on the ego that I'm practically an expert on it, hell I might have a spiritual "ego" if you will. However, i'm still a mess inside, anxious, depressed and cannot find a peace of mind at any time. The repetetive, monstrous bad trip thinking won't stop, and I truly feel like I fucked up, like I'm rotting in my own hell I've created and there's no way out.

I'm honestly lost and don't know what to do. I don't care how much work it takes, what forms of meditation I have to do, what I have to do as a person to escape this, I'll do it, because with this state of mind although I'll continue to live life it really doesn't feel worth it.

 

how old are you?

 

im asking this, because it will help me get a better look

 

20

 

ok, this was alot to take in at once, but if i understand correctly, you have had problems with anxiety and depression in the past for quite some time, the last time you felt happy was when you were a kid. and you felt like an empty shell around anyone, friends, family, and you couldnt figure out who YOU where. then you tripped on mushrooms, had the most incredible feeling of understanding everything that was making you feel bad, discovered yourself, and to continue this feeling you kept taking mushrooms, and then now you cant get that feeling back, and you feel worse than before, you feel depressed and anxious, and your afraid that all the tripping may have effected your brain and the way it takes in seratonin and what makes you feel good and happy basically.

 

Yes that's basically it. Only I achieved nirvana through the LSD on my first trip when I had no prior expectations of what was going to happen, the expectations killed it for future trips. It opened up my mind to new realms of creativity with music, so it did some good overall.

 

so have you stopped taking mushrooms now?

 

Yeah I did LSD a few times and only did mushrooms once. And yeah after that last one that gave my the back, head, and neck tension/ache that persists with me a lot now like permanent stress I quit psychedelics for good. I was never really addicted to them, I did it recreationally once every three months or so for a year or two, but after a while became very conscious that it was damaging me and my memory. retainability and ability to function, despite how out there it put me. So here I am now and I'm trying to pursue a new path, the ability to function and enjoy the present moment with human beings instead of seeing myself as an isolated fragment of the world, which is an illusion.

Not to sound conceited but I'm basically an intelletctual that doesn't get off to smalltalk. That's always sort of been an issue as well, I can't get off to the common social norms idealogy of humor despite it being harmless fun. I'll have harmless fun with others, but my ego just tells me it's an act, and I don't find truth in anything anymore. Everything I say and do feels like a false personality facet that's goal is to get some type of reaction or accomplish something, which is dismal thinking in the long run.

I feel like a prisoner to the mind without any ability to think positive or find who I really am, I guess.

 

sounds like youre just having trouble letting go

reading meditating tripping acid?
what does any of that have to do with anything?

just let go

you might as well be dead

so just let go..

 

have you been to a psych doctor about your depression or talked to them about what your going through and your feelings?

 

Bro, life is about laughing sometimes, good luck, radiate towards the ones that are having fun, and make the effort to have fun, fuck the rest...

good luck

remember no ones better including you..

Paul

 

I don't mean to sound debating, I get what everyone is saying here be as it is true, we are suppose to just go out and enjoy.

The problem (or maybe it's my ego's problem) is that fun shouldn't constitute as some mental effort, otherwise to me it's fake and illusory. Everything to me seems like a framework, or some mental thread (which I guess is part of my insanity) every thought and effort to have fun I can view it as being part of an illusion, including negativity, it all is.

Everyone just tells me to "let go" dandy advice, which I understand intellectually, but no matter how hard I try (and obviously, someone will counter this with, you're not suppose to try to 'let go' that defies the point.) I don't understand what it means to let go, even when i don't try, or do try, none of it makes sense.

 

slow down, take life in, look at something beautiful, make a moment that will last forever, just . let . go. thats what everyone is trying to tell you. its not something that you have to make yourself feel. just you've lost the way to enjoy, maybe love, and just live life happily. all you need to do, is find that way back to that happy place. look deep inside.. is there anything that comes to mind that would keep you from that?

 

Illusion? That's a real tangible reason to have terrible anxiety and depression. It's a reality that everyone is an isolated fragment of the world with no purpose. It's our individual responsiblity to project meaning upon our world and use our mental powers to connect with eachother. It is my belief however that one's personal motivations are as real as the next persons. So much so real to the believer that the universe suddenly has real meaning.

However people like you and I either can not or care not to project any meaning on it whatsoever. We know there is no point....so why make one?

Ever more a reason to let go.

Ever since my second to last and last acid trip in August my soul fell from the height it was at. From beauty, happiness, love to desperation, anxiety, void. I still believe in all the reasons that made me overfilled with the joy of experimental life and I still believe in the reasons that brought me to a real low. However this time around, I'm coming to acceptance with the "negative" realities and making the best out of my odd perception. The depressed, anxious, schizo ones are not the dumb ones. They are the ones with completely unfiltered thoughts and emotions on a completely unfiltered existence.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm coming out of my depression focusing on all the reasons that caused my depression and accepting them knowing that very few other people come to knowledge of the sale of perception.

However today...I had another realization that felt terrible to think of when I am doing so well with my anxiety and depression. I'm going on my third week of using St. Johns Wort capsules. So I feel my progress is not the result of my own will power. That thought makes me feel week. That someday in the future, depression will return.

Edited to add...
I was still able to have A LOT of fun and A LOT of laughs with my friends. The void doesn't go away. But neither does a sense of humour or amusement. At the height of my depression I was able to forget about it when spending time with others but when alone it manifested my every thought.

 

Same here.

I just have a harder time letting go. But my mind's problem is that letting go into your true nature seems like some mystical concept when my mind envisions it that way, my mind will then correct itself and say "you're creating stepping stones to reach such a stage." I hate it. It's like my ego keeps building these complex thoughts that keep happiness farther and farther away.

Everytime I try to eliminate ego it's just a seret spiritual ego behind it, like shedding onion skins or personality facets. It drives me insane. The reality is, there is none, I just am, and that's all there is to it and it's that simple and the thoughts don't exist. I'm aware of this, but I still feel like ****.

It's like okay, here I am talking to everyone. I'm going to let go of my ego. Oh wait, that's my ego talking. I'll just ignore the voice in my head, after all, eliminating the illusion is ignoring it, right? Okay now I'm ignoring it. Oh but wait, now I'm being silent and no thoughts are coming to my head at all. This doesn't seem right. The thoughts aren't naturally flowing, but hey, my ego isn't talking. And other endless complexities.

I'm aware there is no central answer, and my mind's endless complex search in finding the answer is pointless. I'll tell that to myself. But hey guess what? That's another thought, another onion skin to be shed. Does anyone else feel my insanity? Or know of where I'm getting at all or if there's a way out of this ruckus?

 

Hi newreality,

If I can offer some advice from personal experience, maybe you could try immersing yourself in a more physical lifestyle.

From what you have described, you are very much tangled in a psychological web...which can become more complex when you go about seeking solutions from a mental perspective, only to realise you are unable to make this work for you and find yourself even more frustrated.

Sometimes physical activity can be very good for an over-active mind...and mental calmess can come as a by-product.

A very simple and effective way to start is excercise. Begin by getting up in the mornings and going for a walk/jog/run. Start of with short trips if you are not normally an active person, then progress to faster and longer trips. But STICK with the routine. Eat fruit in the mornings for breakfast.

As you described yourself as being prone to insomnia, waking up early and putting yourself under physical stress can help to re-set your body clock. You might find yourself being very tired for a little while...but this is a good thing.

Also, what work do you do? Is it in an office (or otherwise physically limited environment)? Perhaps if you are this unhappy you could consider a change of occupation. Become a bricklayers labourer or landscaper.

Many highly intellectual people often shun the physical body as a bit of an unnecessary "cage" that the mind just has to put up with. In many cases this can be a contributing factor to depression as we live within our mind too much. Remember that life is a search for balance of energy.

If you really are committed to finding a way out of your situation, please consider what I've said, it can be very rewarding

 

I've been told this so many times as suggestions for my depression. I do believe it every time....but for some reason I never chose to be active enough. Like I'll go on a bike ride or walk if I feel like it. However I'd always enjoy a walk or bikeride. This same concept I realized is completely experienciable on an immediate scale when on Acid. For example, sitting down with people doing nothing I feel anxious and depressed, see no meaning to anything, feel weird around the people. But if we were to go for hikes in the woods...my mood is up and i'm actively engaging in good thought and conversation. For an even higher mood I extremely enjoy removing my shoes and running around the sandy hill trails around here. Bliss.

I think it has to do with us overactive minds thinking far too much when there is nothing to think about. The way out has a hint of zen.

The Void.

Absolutely I feel your insanity, it's a repeating cycle within us because we see no overall point. All of our progress goes void when we remember. So to me I feel the answer maybe acceptance. But that could totally not be your answer. Unfortunately I feel like the answer is not that simple for those of you that have a much harder time letting go.

I think I'm scared of acid. But I have to go back....atleast once. If not once....A lot more. I need to get passed the blockade you are at and do what I want to do, experience what I want to experience, and be amused.

I wish you luck. Maybe you should try tackling the issue in a middle earth adventure type of way than a modern clinical way.

 

Like battling some trolls and stuff?

 

Hell yes!

I think NewReality lost the trail in Mirkwood. But if Bilbo can make it through so can he.

 

Haha thanks guys.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing it's all an illusion, and that happiness is always available at any moment, but in order to experience this you have to not strive for the happiness. The paradox. What winds up happening is me trying not to try, which in essence, is trying. Haha.

All I'm hoping for is that the consecutive bad trips didn't ruin me for life. I've read things of people recovering using transcendental meditation and such, so as long as there's some kind of faith out there, I think I'll be alright.

Thanks. I'll get excercising. I currently do Tai Chi at the moment, trying to become more present and aware of my body, since I can't seem to do meditation all that well since my brain always has these acid like thoughts running through.