Need help, so confused and hate myself for it...

Hello everybody, I am hoping that letting out how I feel will help me. My problems all began back in 2006 with an ex-girlfriend. She was nothing but one problem after another, she had a psycho ex-boyfriend that threatened to kill me for months and was always hassling her, and she would always take it out on me by being mean then one night at the front of september he said she needed to come over cause it was an emergency and he hung himself in front of her. She was a complete wreck after that, and was ultra mean all the time, so I thought she didn't care about me anymore and I broke up with her mid october. However, I was an idiot and didnt stop the physical part of the relationship and she got pregnant and found out 3 or 4 weeks before christmas. I was really scared because I just turned 19 at the time, and was not very nice to her. She ended up having a miscarriage, and found out it was going to be twins. For all the problems we had, I felt like I really loved this girl so I was wreck for like a year after all of it. Super depressed, and lots of suicidal thoughts and tendancies for a long time. Then right around my 20th birthday I began to realize that I am bisexual or gay. I have been hating myself over it for like the past year, and tired of hating myself. I have been ultra depressed for like two years now, and have now isolated myself from all of my friends because I feel really uncomfortable around them and I know they would not accept me. I also feel increasingly uncomfortable around my family, which I love a lot, but they are pretty close minded and I know almost definitely that they would kick me out and not want to talk to me if they found out. I am in a real mess because I still live at home, have a couple years of college left, and I am not financially stable enough to live on my own for at least a while. And even if I did I couldn't afford college without my parents, and I really want to finish. I just feel so strange because I still feel like I am attracted to some women, but at the same time have an increasing obsession with the penis, and have developed an obsession with trans-sexuals as well having thoughts about guys. I think I just need to get out and figure myself out, I have had lots of opportunities to do so, but I just always end up not doing so and hating myself for thinking it. Anyways... I probably wrote way too much already, but I just don't know what to do anymore, I am just tired of wasting my life away hating myself.

 

hey, the way i see it is u gotta find a way to accept yourself as gay (/bi), then all the depression all the agony etc will go away as well. i also know it's easier said than done -- it's really hard to come to terms with it when you yourself are the one who condemns u the most. but it's gotta happen, cause alternative would be living a phantom life that u don't want. i hope u do understand in your mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. right? being gay may not be normal -- i.e. the norm -- but is it as natural as heterosexuality is. if u understand that then it's just a matter of time till u're able to accept yourself. and once u do that all else falls in place on its own.
for me this part was easy -- i had a huge ego when i was a teenager and i was aggressive and arrogant and no-one gave me hard time because of it. that's one of the things i've learned in life -- your own opinion of self influences how other ppl think of u. if u think you're worthless ppl will sense that and use it against u. but if u have respect for yourself and self-confidence then ppl might not agree with u on some things but they will then have respect for u too.

i can't say for sure that your friends and family will accept u, i don't know what they're like, but the bottom line is that u cannot live your life to please other people. it would be great if they accepted u, and it would hurt like hell if they didn't, but u can't control their opinions either way, and it's not worth throwing your life away for that.

the thing with your ex sounds crazy. i hv no idea how that might hv felt. but it looks like you've gotten through it and come out as a sane person.

well, i hope this has been a little help. i answered because i really hate to see gay guys beat themselves up because of the simple fact that we like other men. i think it's unfair and so unnecessary.

 

It is so difficult for a lot of reasons for me. Lately I have been trying real hard to accept it, but I always just end up hating myself for thinking it. My family is very conservative, and likely would not talk to me for at least quite a while and kick me out for sure. I am also not financially stable, have a newer car that I have payments on, and my current job is through my parents. I also just really want to finish the couple more years of school I have left, and I couldn't pay for it on my own.

My friends also would not accept it, and I don't really have many or they are shitty ones to begin with. I really just have been severely isolating myself for the last two years, and get really irritated with everything sometimes. I always think I need to be out on my own, but if I told my parents what is going on, I would be out of a job, need to sell my car, and not be able to pay for school. I guess some of this is kind of a repeat of what I said before, but all these things I Am really struggling with and it is so hard to make a decision cause based on what decision I make I could be giving up my future.

 

telling people and accepting yourself are two different things. you're obviously not in a point to start coming out to people and that's OK. u should never do it if u don't want to do it. but what i think is you should start somehow finding some kind of outlet for that side of u. maybe try and find a friend who is also gay. go to a gay bar (in another city if that's more comfortable). or find a guy u could have sex with. a guy u don't know and who doesn't know u. no-one has to know about it and it will take off a load of frustration that i imagine u are dealing with. i find that sex helps to deal with it a lot. it allows u to experiment with no strings attached and it will make u discover things about yourself through an experience and that will make it all more real. feeling good sexually with another guy will help in the process of accepting it.

my point is u can't accept it through rationalizing only, u need some kind of outlet. watch gay porn, read gay stories (nifty is a very good site for example), jerk off thinking about guys (do u do that at all or do u think of women?) these may seem small things but that's where it starts from. (or maybe u're doing all this already in which case this passage here is redundant). u like guys then look at guys, get off on thinking about guys. there's nothing inherently wrong with doing any of these. eventually it will all become natural. u've already started the process by being on this forum and telling about yourself. it's a start. things don't happen overnight but gradually it will come to be.

i understand not wanting to tell the parents. my mom is very conservative in that respect as well. she has adopted or developed a view believing that homosexuality is unnatural and that all gay ppl are freaks of nature. i'm not dependent on her and i still haven't told her about me and i'm not sure i ever will. i tried once, and she was dripping with hatred when talking about it that i just gave it up. i don't know, maybe she would have a different attitude towards it if she knew about me (because i know she cares a lot about me)..or maybe not. thing is i've never been that close with my mom and i don't particularly feel the urge to tell her. i'd like her to know, but then again i find in some respects it's better if she didn't. parents are a difficult regard in that matter.

well, i kinda gotta go. this was quite a long reply, hope u can make some sense of it

 

thanks for the replies meridian, it is good to have some form of comfort. To you other losers who posted the gross pictures, you guys are fuckin lame.

 

no problem. u're not alone on this at all. others have gone through what u are dealing with and come out on the other side. just go with whatever feels comfortable to u. and don't hate yourself for it, you didn't cause it. it's nobody's fault.

and remember there are lots of reasons why people don't like other people. being gay is just one of many. and someone who might have a stereotypical dislike towards gay guys may change his mind upon finding out that a good friend of his is gay. things like this happen all the time.

 

im sorry dude that these people are such duche bags but dont worry life works itself out just have faith it will be ok

 

First of all, don't try thinking it. Say it. Say "I am gay". It will feel so weird for the first time, but if you keep saying it then it will come true

It's what I done and it worked....

 

Thank you all for the comfort, but this is still so damn hard for me. I am around so many people (my friends, & family) that bash gays all the time and I find it so hard to not hate myself. I have been really trying to get out there lately and be okay with who I am, but I always end up hating myself. I pretty much ditched all my friends cause they are shitty to begin with and would not accept me so I find myself just getting drunk by myself on the weekends and that is only comfort I can find in each week. Right now I am pretty drunk by myself again, I have come to the point where the most enjoyment in my life is getting drunk alone. I guess this is why ending it all seemed so much easier for me for a long time, but I now at least realize that I don't want to kill myself. I must get through this mess, but I sure hope it is soon cause I get so tired of it.

 

Well, for starters, I wouldn't drink yourself to death....

 

so u think the best thing to do is just admit ur gay and it gets easy from there, what about if a staright person was to shout he is gay, what situation do u think he would be in, if he sauid he was gay, and he really was straight,

 

Dude, my best friend went through the exact same thing when he realised he was bi. He thought me and my friends would hate him for it. TBH, if you friends are willing to abandon you because you are gay, even though you are the same person, you are really better off anyway. Hey, if you ever need to talk, my msn is atomicpiggy@hotmail.co.uk .

 

I would say he was a damn liar....

 

Look. You're obviously not sure if your gay or not. What way to tell if you are? It's different for everyone.

 

That is the thing, I am really not all that sure what I am still. I am starting to get more comfortable with the fact that I am bisexual or gay, but still confused on which one. As an example, I don't really enjoy watching gay porn. Only seem to be interested in bisexual porn, and transsexuals. It has to be something with women in it or at least resembles a woman, cause I seem to have an obsession with transsexuals over anything else, fascinated by them. But only really to the ones that have implants and or look pretty feminine.

 

Fuck this shit!!!! I LOVE being drunk. Who gives a shit what I am. I think women are fucking sexy and trans-sexuals. I don't know what to do, but I will figure it out eventually. I am just a bisexual mo fucka I guess!!! Whatever!!!!