Barely coming out to myself, is this denial I am dealing with normal?

I would like to start of with the fact that I am a 26 year old female and I have had relationships will males since I was 16. Ever since I can remember that I had crushes on boys I had crushes on girls. I had my first boyfriend at 16 and it lasted almost 7 years.

I had my first true crush on a girl in high school, where I actually yearned to be with her. And ever since my first relationship I would fantasize about being with women, it came to the point where I could not be intimate with anyone and be fulfilled unless I was thinking about a woman. But when I would really question it I just put it out of my mind out of fear. I fell in love with my friend a few years ago who I thought was straight. We lost contact for a while and just a few months ago she emailed me saying she missed me and that she was a lesbian.

I had a breakdown and I felt I was forced to finally deal with this issue. My feelings for her erupted and I realized that she was the reason I had held my heart close for so many years. We are just friends and she has a girlfriend but she has been so helpful with what I am going through.

I have never felt comfortable in any relationship with a man. I can think they are handsome and have a good time with them because I have always been somewhat of a tomboy, but when it comes to sex or intimate things I am just so not there, not into it. I am always unsatisfied in many ways.I am realizing that I love women solely and it was almost as if I was hit on the head with this awareness...

I think I have always been a lesbian, I just didn't want to accept myself. I fought with this all my life and dated so many guys looking for something I would never find. I have come out to about 3 people but I have this old friend who I have been hanging out with and he likes me a lot. He kissed me last week and it was horrible but I couldn't get up the nerve to tell him the truth. I know his friends too and they want us to be together.

I keep going through this denial and random thoughts of maybe I should just date him because it would be easier or maybe I could force myself to be attracted to him. But when it comes down to it, that is not what I want. I am not attracted to him and right now the thought of men almost repulses me (being intimate with them), most of my life I was uninterested in them sexually now the thought repulses me.

I am going through the process of coming out to myself and to my close friends and accepting this. I feel freer than ever but also, more scared than ever. I feel like I am experiencing the world for the first time and it is the weirdest thing.

I know this is a novel so for that I am sorry, but I wanted to know if this is normal...the denial and having a hard time accepting this? And how I should explain this to the guy?...*sigh*

I know things will get better and this is something I will overcome, but it isn't easy.

 

yes it is normal unfortunatly. Some people can exdept their sexuality from an early age and deal with it. others are in denial, some for many years. I know i am gay but i still have trouble coming to terms with it myself. I am 24 and am meeting guys and having relationships but yet family and most friends don't know im gay because i cant tell them. once i tell them it becomes real and i cant go back. lol.

But i totally understand your situation. but you only live once so you might aswell be happy.

 

It's extremely normal.

For me, relationships aren't that important. I'm 16 and told everyone I'm gay, no one seems to have a problem with it.

I had a tactic though. I never dated, showed interest or even looked at women in a sexual way. That way by the time I came out as gay everyone already assumed I was anyway so it was no problem.

Tell your friends one by one, maybe one of your family first it doesn't have to be parents but it's good to have some support at home if things go badly at school or college.

Just take your mind of sexual things for a while, and it will come to you.

Good luck.