I used to frequent this forum years ago and found much wisdom and guidance from the posters here. It is ironic that the woman I was with at that time is the focus of my dilema today. I have been married for 1 year, and an ex of mine recently contacted me, we've been talking for a couple of weeks. Her and I had a very strong emotional and physical bond and ended on good terms, however the men that she dated after me restricted our contact. Since i've been speaking with her, I've started to have erotic and sexual dreams about this girl. I have not acted on these dreams with my ex, however, I have been acting these fantasies out with my wife. It was unknowingly at first, a subconsious fluke of sorts, but have realized that I am somewhat acting out my sexual dreams that I've been having about my ex with the woman I love. I don't know if this is wrong of me. It seems harmless enough. I have not told my wife that I am acting out these fantasies or even that I've been having dreams about my ex. I'm not sure what she would think. Are my actions wrong? Should I tell my wife about it? I find myself stuck and confused.
I'd stop talking to this ex and let yourself calming down. I'd be incredibly hurt if I were your wife.
Here are my suggestions: a. Don't tell your wife. It is not necessary to hurt her. You're the one suffering because of your guilt (I'm assuming you feel guilty about these dreams and fantasies) - there's no need to make her suffer as well. b. Simply treat erotic dreams just as they are: dreams. No more, no less. c. If you catch yourself daydreaming (that is, fantasizing while awake) about your ex try replacing her image with that of your wife. The nice thing about this mental exercise is that daydreams are generally easier to control than sleeping dreams. d. Avoid or at least restrict contact with your ex.
Ok, first up, I agree with the last poster. I'm all for openess in relationships but this is one case where you definitely don't want to tell you wife. Then I think you just need to work out the issues for yourself. Fanasties are harmless and as long as you view them as harmless then there is no problem. If it is a problem for you then you can do one of two things, get more comfortable with the fantasies when they crop up, or gradually ween yourself off of having them. I'd say the second choice would be the harder of the two, but if you decide to go that route start replacing the fanasties about your ex with fantasies about your wife. Compare the things you liked about your ex to things you like better about your wife. If your wife wasn't the better option than your ex at least in some ways then I doubt you would have maried her. So focus on the things where she surpasses your ex. It would be a gradual process but don't let these fantasies get to you if you find them morally objectionable. Just let the process run its course and don't get impatient it may take time.
