Please help - very confused girl here!

Hi guys, I'd like to hear some thoughts on this if I can

I'm in a relationship that's coming up to the 4 year mark and I'm happy. I love my boyfriend and he's my best friend too. Before we 'officially' got together we had a lot of not-quite-accidental physical fun if you catch my drift... during the time that was happening it was HOT and very passionate. When we eventually got our shit together and decided to get serious a lot of that passion cooled off. I went overseas for a couple of months and he cheated on me (just a one night thing). We sorted things out but, to be honest, it put me off doing certain things with him for a while. We still have sex but probably not as often as I'd like and it's definitely not as exciting as it used to be.

A bit of other background info - he is the first and only guy I've been with. Ever. e.g. he's the only guy I've ever even kissed - I'm kind of shy. He's had plenty of girlfriends over the years before me.

I love him but I don't know if I want to get married having only been with one guy. I know there's no good way of changing that either.

Meanwhile I have a friend who was seeing a girl when I met him 5 or so years ago,who I had a crush on before I was with my current boyfriend. He broke up with his girlfriend last year and not long after that I had a fight with my boyfriend because he got suspicious about my friend and I for no good reason. My friend and I talked about it and what began as 'haha as if' turned into 'well actually, I've liked you for ages but what can you do, bad timing, etc.' and I know that was inappropriate and so we never brought it up again but it's kind of always in the back of my mind.

What am I doing?? I don't know! Any opinions/ advice/ 'don't be stupid, you can't have everything' rants/ anything?? Please help... :ack2:

 

Hate to be the younger guy giving advice, but I guess I can relate to your situation somewhat, in that I was the shy guy with someone I loved and had never even kissed anyone else, despite playing around a lot before getting together.

Not knowing what else is out there is tough though, I know that.

Personally, I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating so I won't speak on that, but the fact that your boyfriend is suspicious of you, means he's jealous and is a sign of insecurity.

Healthy relationships can't exist with insecurity, so you need to decide whether that was an isolated incident or a trend. Guys will get jealous sometimes when they shouldn't, but there's a fine line between wanting a girl's attention, and not wanting to share her attention with anyone else.

It's a tough call, but if you're having doubts, then it's probably time to explore other options.

 

Thanks dreamagain. He's not usually the jealous type, it was just this one isolated incident - we were at a party and we were all pretty drunk and my friend and I went to get food and got lost and took too long to come back. I was pretty pissed off because my track record is excellent so what's there to worry about?

As for the cheating - yeah, I know. I tossed up my options at the time and thought that it was a weird situation with me being away for a while and that he seemed genuinely disgusted by his own behaviour and he expected me to leave, I think. It just sucks though because it's kind of always going to be there a little bit, I think. And I can't help but have a tiny feeling of 'he's already had his fun and then he wanted to have some more anyway, why shouldn't I go a bit crazy too?'.

The thing is - everything else is perfect with us. I think this is more a sex thing than a love thing. I don't really want to have other relationships, I think, I'm just curious about the physical side of things.

 

hmmm I see your situation. Don't you wish there was a rewind button in life?
Well my boyfriend's exfiance was in the same situation, as he was her first everything. She wanted to experience more so she left him months before their wedding. But it was never something they talked about before. While he is with me now, she hasn't found anyone yet, and is attempting to discretely steal him back (which bothers me, why wouldn't it?)

So as cliche as it sounds, talking is probably the only thing you can do. It wasn't fair that he cheated (basically saying he gets it both ways when you cannot, because you put your morals first which is always wonderful).

Well I guess the bottom line is, if you're happy, you're happy... and you shouldn't worry about experiencing anything else. If it's meant to be, then it will come to you without you doing anything. And if it is a sex issue more than a love issue, then consider yourself ok. Sex is easier to fix than love.

Not sure if i was able to help, but i hope i did in some way.

 

Thanks narcissist, I think you've definitely helped

What does your boyfriend think about his ex fiancee's 'stealing' plans? Of course that would bother you... she's had her chance and let it go!

Thanks for the reassurance and reminder that it's probably better to be at peace with myself morally than otherwise... I do get tempted to be bad sometimes!

 

Thanks alot. I am in the same situation. My ex and I was togather for 11 years, last 3 we were engaged. But mine cheated on me and I found out. Now, he wants to work things out,But for me it does'nt feel like he is trying. But things now are different between us. I am not turned on by his touch or by the way he looks at me. All i think about is he was with her And my pain and heartache ALL comes back. He is always accursing me of doing something. So what you said dreamagain. Is probably right. He is AFRAID. We both was each others first. Now I know he has been with somone else. So that bothers me alot. But for me to be intimate with someone. The fire has to be there. I can't just go pick some random guy and sleep with him. But my curiosity is getting to me. I would like to know how it feels to be with someone else then just him. If you have any ideas. Please help me too.