losing my mind...again

so i guess it started 4 years ago when i was 18. was getting into the occult at the same time as conning my way out of the first college i was at, convincing everyone--a psychologist, my school, my friends, and almost myself that i was bipolar (a friend of mine got a medical leave of absence and my grades were slipping so i tried pulling something). ironically, later that year, i actually did lose my mind, diagnosed with marijuana induced psychosis i was put into various institutions for 6 months. everything cleared up after a while and i went back to school, only to lose it midway during first semester...majoring in premed too (was doing good this time) and end up in another place for a week. i recovered soonafter that, but every since maybe...a year or so ago, i've been slipping again. auditory and visual hallucinations...vivid and convincing. it sucks. you know, when i look back to how i was at 15-16, i just knew i'd make it big in the real world. get a nice postgrad degree, maybe be a doctor or a psychologist with a phd...but instead, i'm wondering if i'm gonna make it to thirty, or if my voices are gonna end me jumping off a bridge at 28, thinking i'm the antichrist. i'm having a helluva time coping with this. everyone's heard about it...it's weird. i can't crack certain jokes without people looking at me with sympathy and i really don't know how to react. i'm scarred from psychosis-related "incidents" and my medical record is scarred too.

my dad once told me (he's a doctor) that he knew a resident while he was teaching at a hospital that was schizo and he made it...but i don't know if i'll be capable of that. i mean...i've been breezing through life since i was a kid...always smarter than everyone else, now it's looking like life's gonna take effort.

i feel like my social skills are slipping...i'm always real spacey and have trouble really relating to people. people around me ask me if i'm doing alright it's so bad.

so yeah, i'm 22 now, and i've been diagnosed with marijuana induced psychosis, bipolar disorder by another shrink, and the latest psychologist that my parents tricked me into seeing (told me it was an aptitude test...didn't know an aptitude test had questions like "are you being conspired against?") told me i was schizo.

life's a bitch, man.

anyway, yeah, when i get bad like i kinda am now, i start believing crazy things...like i'm the antichrist, buddha, god...some sort of prophet or whatever...this time around it wasn't so bad--i was a freemason and illuminati member...and there's always some girl with me that sorta calms me down and makes things better when they get real rough. the mind can be a terrifying thing. think of a bad shroom trip for a straight year.

anyone out there experienced similar things to me that can kinda give me some words of encouragement or advice or anything, because i really don't know what to do to get out of this negative mindset i have anymore. i'm depressed as piss...and i've never really been depressed before. it always was so easy for me to stay positive about everything, but right now, i don't even know what to think or do. everything in my life has turned to shit.

and to top it off, all my friends just graduated college and are going to postgrad...so while i'm sometimes thinking about ending up on social security...friends i've known since i was 7 years old, that i was always in the same boat have those bachelors degree...something i should have right now.

blah. yeah, so i guess i basically just made this thread to vent about this shit. i'll probably add more later. being crazy's a bitch.

i refuse to see a shrink or psychologist willingly as the meds they put you on turn you into a zombie and have sexual side effects. definitely don't want either of those. i just think: what kind of girl would want a guy like me? you talk to a girl, go on a couple dates, then break it to her...oh, by the way, i'm schizo. "what's up, peace, don't wanna know you" is the response i'm expecting there if she's not just feeling bad for me.

 

You can go to a psychologist and refuse medication. A lot of doctors will continue with you and teach you therapeutic techniques to maybe help take the edge off of everything and help you control your hallucinations.
Not that it's really similar or anything, but that's how I deal with my depression.
I've never been in any situation like yours and I'm sorry it's so rough, but don't give up. Human determination is quite extraordinary, if time consuming.
Have you ever thought of writing a book about your experiences? Maybe it would help.

 

Marijuana induced psychosis? Are you kidding me?

If you have a problem, marijuana might be a trigger, but it is not the problem in and of itself. Okay?

Some people shouldn't smoke pot. I think it causes an unfavorable chemical reaction in them because of their personal chemistry. You might be one of those people. Schizophrenia sounds like your problem. If so, pot is a no no for you.

Other than that, you sound about as stable as most people your age.

Nitroglycerin on ice.

Stop trying to keep up with the Jones's. Find your own pace.


x

 

this society is causing many to feel this way.

I think being crazy is a blessing . .

 

Shit, that's pretty rough. I've smoked quite alot of marijuana in my time, for several reasons, but I've never had side effects that bad. So I don't think that it's entirely marijuana induced, otherwise I think I'd be in much worse condition..

 

in my opinion marijuana is a natural anti anxiety inhibitor, the psychadelic properties are not as strong as something like lsd.

 

being crazy is a double edged sword, society has conned the minds of simple minded people into believing that thinking a certain way is the right way to think. as with society, comes the majority of the population, i tried committing suicide when i was younger and was comatose for 2 weeks. the labels "crazy, psycho, schizo, ect..." were given to me. a label is what one uses to call another based on perception. there is reasoning in everyone, even "antisocial" and "sociopaths" as for me, my reasoning was i was in the military, deployed at the time, lost half my squad, and my fiance called and told me she cheated on me. but anyway, labels are used to group people together for others emotional and behavioral security. hence, making them as insecure as anyone deemed "crazy" any crazy person ive ever met were very intelligent and gifted. their bodies acted in a balance giving them intense emotions, as with the intense emotions, came intense thinking capability beyond and unilateral thought process of these simple minded people.

 

so i made the mistake of telling my old man that i wanted to be on meds. he's a doc and offered to prescribe me some. i agreed. now, im having second thoughts, so he's getting pissed. lucky i was on codeine yesterday or i mighta done/said something stupid to get me kicked out right off the bat. the conversation: you can't take care of yourself, you're too irresponsible: get out of my house. it's just ridiculous reasoning. he's talking to me like i'm an alzheimer's patient then telling me i'm kicking you out. just makes no sense. i'm thinking fuck it to the drugs and seeing what i can pull with my mom to see if i don't get kicked out. ...he's been trying to send me away every few months since i was 15 or so (military school, homeless shelters, just plain kicked out)...my mom stuck up for me till about a couple years ago...now i get kicked out on a somewhat regular basis for various reasons...the underlying one pretty much being my dad was in a bad mood. blah. i need to get a job and get my own place. bad. anyone wanna give my lazy ass a nice shot of motivation? ...that shhould totally come in pill form.

 

if you want to be sane
you will not take pills.

 

it might come down to homelessness or pills. i've been thinkin about hopping a train to cali...but that's probably somethin i'd only do if i was a little fucked up at the time.

 

it's hard being homeless in cali...I tried it for a while.

have a plan...life is hard work.

 

im homeless right now. DONT DO IT. trust me

 

hi evryone! if i must be in a normal state then my pill is all that stand by me! nothing else! even family let you down! but not you pill! just have to make sure that it is always here and not finished!

 

so i was talkin to a buddy of mine the other day about how college is an investment anymore to me since i'm a bit older than the usual crowd that goes to college...looking to just study what theyre interested in and not too worried about the amount of money they're making after school and yeah...last time i lost it, this time, i think im gonna medicate the whole time. i might not need the meds right now, but better safe than sorry. if i fuck up at college again, i dunno if i'll ever go back.

 

You can do many courses online now but...

My chosen profession was never something I planned for. We just kind of found each other.

You don't need to sit in class if you're better off somewhere else, you know?

Follow your heart. What is your calling? Don't worry if you don't have one. The fact that you don't automatically sends up a flare to your attention.

Don't compare yourself with other people. That's a race that can't be won.

Do what YOU want to do. Whatever it is, don't do it for the money.


x

 

so im on the meds again. ambien and some antidepressant. it sucks but it's better than risking going back to an institution. definitely don't wanna go psychotic midway through college again. (goin back to school this spring)...yay for 23 year old freshmen!

 

I have to agree with this totally.

The best way to deal with psychological issues is to exhaust yourself physically, I have found. Take up squash. Running. Swimming. All of these.

Tentatively : You could be psychic and are picking up on the bad vibe around you. Your parents do not sound very sympathetic. Tricking a person into seeing a psychologist is downright stupid. Sorry to say this, but your dad sounds like a quack.

College is not the greatest thing in the world. Its actually great when you're there but, the 9 to 5 crap afterwards is a real anti-climax. You sound like you need a free lifestyle without obsessive compulsive rule-makers.

If you can, come visit me in Africa. I could do with someone to help me with webdesign and marketing. You don't sound that crazy at all. In fact you sound like the essence of stability in comparrison to my ex.

Contact details are here:
http://www.poseidons.net/webdesignmandelabay.html

(I'm just trying to show you that you do not need to be homeless if you are connected to the internet and are part of this cool forum)

 

so i'm starting to notice what i used to from meds. slowed behavior. increased appetite. pretty soon i'll be doing the thorazine shuffle. yes!

 

stop smoking pot and a lot of your problems will gradually go away.
if your diet is terrible, fix it.
if your sleep routine is terrible, fix it.
if you don't get at least a little exercise each week, fix it.
but mostly just stop smoking pot if you haven't already.
btw, when did you start smoking it in the first place?

 

Smoking pot is only a problem if you have repressed eating habits and the pot does not relax them, or if you cannot get decent food.

Mental problems associated with pot, aka 'reefer madness' during the great depression were the result of smoking pot and not eating properly (there was not enough food).

If you do not eat properly your bain does not function properly.
If you take an appetite stimulant, and do not eat properly, this makes it worse.
This is why pot is bad news in the ghettos where there is not adequate food.

Pot uses up the nutrients in your body, and these need to be replaced, this is why you get the munchies.

Rastafari never have these problems because WE eat 'Ital' food. iow, healthy food.
You should always have a good stash of food nearby when you smoke pot.

Its like adding a turbo-booster to your car and then wondering why it runs out of fuel more easily.

Often young girls have repressed eating habits. If this repression is deep-seated then you can have problems.

If you allow the munchies to take effect, then there is no problem.
People want to get high, but thats not the problem. Its the eating patterns that are the problem

Jah Bless and guide you.