Hello, everyone. A few years back, I used to post regularly on the hipforums. I can't seem to find information or feedback about a peculiar spectrum of emotions that have become overwhelming in my sex life lately, and have come back here in hopes that someone might be able to point me towards some literature, or suggestions... Plainly, I have the desire to maul my male sexual partners after sex. The feeling is most intense after my own orgasm (if present), but is still highly tangible if I do not climax but my partner does. Shortly after becoming sexually active in my early teens, I've practiced power-exchange relationships with both men and women, but this does not seem to be about dominance -I literally feel homicidal. Naturally, when there is more emotionally invested into the sexual session (ie, with a partner I have strong feelings for), the after-sex rage is stronger, similarly; the better the sex, the more angry I am. It's confusing and frightening, because I do not feel in control of my body. Rarely have I acted upon these impulses. Usually, I get dressed and flee before my partner(s) even get out of bed, because merely being in their general proximity is enraging. Recently, an ex boyfriend and I had sex when I was visiting from out of town and through a quick series of events, emotions escalated and I ended up finally physically unleashing my fury upon the poor guy. He is much stronger than me, and has wrestled all his life, so I could not hurt him much aside from drawing blood by tooth and nail. He had long been telling me to just "let it out" on him, but I never had, as it seems fairly insane. He was fine with it, even a little fascinated, amused and surprised by my fervor -but I wasn't satisfied. I fought him until I could hardly move, but there was still so much rage within me until my adrenaline subsided. The thing is, I am amazingly affectionate before sex, and nothing but purrs and cuddles and the sweetest of caresses, and am naturally submissive, sexually. I just don't get it. Again, rough sex, and even violent sex is one thing (for me), but this is POST-coital. It's after the fact, and it's only getting worse. Three years ago I was sexually assaulted, and then hospitalized for what was deemed Post Traumatic Stress after a misdiagnoses of Bipolar Disorder. Sex with men has been somewhat of a roller coaster since this point, but this nearly uncontrollable urge to kill my mate has been developing only within the past year and a half. While I don't doubt that the two are related, I just don't know what to do about it. Effects from the assault still often impact my life, despite my desperate attempts to "get over it", and this could easily be a manifestation of the mental trauma. That being said... Is it okay?! This can't be normal? It doesn't seem healthy! It's sort of scary, and it puts a damper on "relationships". Makes them nearly impossible, really. Anyone have similar experiences/know of any literature on the similar matters or have suggestions? Thanks! (will probably also post in a more sexually specific area of the forum)
Haha! I know... that's what my best friend said when I told her about it. "Sexual Cannibalism". I've actually read a bit about sexual cannibalism (as recorded pertaining to the female mantis, that is), and it turns out that there is some controversy on whether or not they only showed such behavior in captivity under unnatural conditions. Not too sure on the details. No. I'm not a praying Mantis
This is actually dangerous thinking, because at some point, you're going to attract an abusive person who will delite in making you hurt. Once someone gives you a taste of your own medicine, you'll find your level. We'll chalk it up to extra high levels of testosterone. Male or female doesn't matter. x
