Hey everyone! I don't know if anyone will remember me, I've only posted a handful of times. Mostly when my son was first born. Anyways, I am having some serious issues with the father. To give you a little background- we were together off and on but it just didn't work out for many reasons. Currently, I work from home so that I can take care of my son (who is now 18 months old). For the most part, everything is good with Elliot (my son) and I. I'm really glad I made the decision to stay at home with him and for the most part he is really thriving. His dad only sees him Wednesdays after work and on Saturdays. I have tried for a long time to implement a visitation schedule with him and this is what we finally decided on. He does have some substance abuse problems (none that he will admit to) and is not in a stable environment that is acceptable for a child so he usually sees Elliot at my house or at his parents house. The last two times he has been over Elliot completely freaked out. Usually my son is so easy going and happy and has no real reservations about people he doesn't know etc. The first time Elliot cried and cried and wouldn't let me put him down, wouldn't let his dad touch him/hold him/be near him etc. It took a good 30-40min before Elliot would interact with his dad. The second time it was a little better because I was anticipating so I held him and was very gentle and slowly introduced him into interacting with his dad. But it still took a good 20-30 min for things to be semi-normal. I'm not really sure what is going on or what I should do. Has anyone experienced the rejection of one parent from their child? The dad thinks it's because I coddle him too much, among other things. Of course, leave it up to the dad who does nothing and has no parenting skills to criticize me, the parent who is doing everything. I also don't think that you can "coddle" a child at this age. I believe in being affectionate and sensitive to your childs needs and if that is wrong then whatever.
It's normal for a child who feels abandoned by his father to reject him. He's not sure if daddy is going to come around or not. He doesn't know why daddy is gone. He just feels rejected so he is going to reject daddy to protect himself. Totally normal. And toatlly up to daddy to help make the situation better. Daddy should be making all the moves not you. But since we both know he's not going to do anything, keep doing what you can to make your child more comfortable. And no you can not coddle a baby too much. Your child is still very much a baby and needs nonstop love and affection. Kathi
My girl is just over two, and still very much a baby. You can't coddle babies. They don't have the language and cognotive skills necessary to process all of the varying information, undertones, and reasons. All the touching helps them to feel stable in what they see as a very unstable place. Also, keep in mind that babies don't see in weeks. You see it as daddy comes on WED and SAT. Baby sees it as "Daddy here" and "daddy not here" and when there are more "not here" days than there are "here" days, and in his mind, he doesn't see the pattern, he just doesn't see when daddy will be there next. So even as young as he is, he becomes distant. It's normal. Methinks daddy needs to get used to the hourlong transition or try to be around more often, even if just for a few minutes.
thanks guys for your responses. i figured at some point i would be dealing with a child who felt abandoned by his father, as well as other issues. but i guess i just didn't realize it would be happening so soon! i did suggest to the dad that he try and be around more. i mean, i have given him so many opportunities over the last year and a half to be there for his son. but you can't make anyone do anything. and it hasn't been and still isn't easy to have him around since i really dislike him so much. but i keep that to myself for the sake of elliot. all of my suggestions to him have really fell on deaf ears. we are not co-parenting by any sense of the word. although, the dad seems to think that he knows everything and that i am doing everything wrong. he even puts up a stink about me feeding elliot mostly organic, whole/unprocessed foods! "why can't he have white bread and hot dogs?" another thing is that the dad has a problem relating to elliot. he doesn't ever really get down on elliot's level. (if that makes sense) he has never even taken him to the park! he keeps talking about how he can't wait till elliot can go to "shows" with him. and the "shows" he speaks of are death metal bands in bars. yeah, not really a great idea anytime soon. man, i just feel so bad for my son that he has a father like this. i am so thankful that he does have a good male figure in my father. those two have such a great bond. in fact, when "papa" is around, no one (not even me) matters.
momma... I completely understand what you are going through and then some... I've found great support on the single parenting board of www.mothering.com/discussions it is so good that your son has a really good bond with your dad, grandpas can be super important especially when the dad isn't quite as involved as you would like... my son sees his father even less than your son sees his, and my son and my dad have formed a great bond... i also have an older male friend (my photography business partner) who my son has also really formed a great connection for.... it is important to have those positive male role models in their lives.... the relationship between our sons and their fathers are just that... theirs... and we can only hope that eventually everything evens out and they really grow to love one another... and if you ever feel like talking, you can always PM me... I feel some strong similarities between the two of us....
It's totally normal for 18 month olds to have a few favorite people, typically the primary caregiver (mom), and suddenly become shy around others. It happens even when children have both parents at home; the child will appear to reject one over the other for a period of time. Honestly, it's probably less an abandonment issue (he's only 18 months, and it sounds like his dad didn't just recently move out) than a normal developmental milestone for an 18 month old baby. At this age, toddlers suddenly realize "Mom" is a seperate being from themselves (and from others) and it freaks them out a bit and makes them clingy. It will pass, right about when he turns two and suddenly pitches temper tantrums.
If it makes you feel better at all, my son was just like this and his father lives with us full time and devotes 1-2 hours each evening for kid time. Around one year old, he was just so attached to me that he would cry anytime his dad would try to get him. He would even cry if his dad got near me, and try to pull us apart, crying "My Mama". I tried leaving him for nights off or if I needed to do something on my own, and he would cry and cry. He is just extremely attached, and prefers Mama. He still loves his Baba and played with him no problem, if I were there too. This lasted until he was close to 3 years old and it is the reason that I waited until then to have another baby. He wouldnt have been able to handle sharing me before then. Now, he is 5-1/2, still prefers me and is my little shadow, but no longer cries if I have to leave him with his dad. Good luck, it sounds like normal separation anxiety to me. Also, I tried to go back to work when he was 2-1/2 and he cried every single day I dropped him off at a very trusted daycare. It's just the way he is.
both of my daughters have gone through parent preference phases. we do everythign as a family, dave and i are very close and both heavily involved with our children. however, for no discernible reason, they'll prefer one of us to the other from time to time. my older daughter is definitely a mama's girl, though. joey is a bit more equal in her preferences. so unless there's any REAL signs of a problem, just chalk it up to a child being a child and wanting his mama.
