Finding life a bit boring

Some days or every day is just boring to me now. I'm not myself. I lost total contact with everyone I knew and meeting new people is just a drag to me, but the people I like, tend to stay away from me. it hurts but they dont care. I go to college but i dont feel like im succeeding in anything. I lay in bed half the daay then i get up and mop around wondering what to do. I apply for jobs and activities and im still in a blur. My friends brag about their boyfriends and I sit and listen and give advice. but when I spill out my problems (which i rarely) they run or laugh and say get over it. I want to get out of here but where am i suppose to go and be happy?

Depression has hit me for the second time in my life. people joke about it but its real and its the devil to some people. Your whole body shuts down, you cant laugh, joke, or enjoy yourself. you just want to sleep and keep on sleeping. you cry silence and you scream bloody murder inside. but people never know, I hide it so well that people will never, ever, ever know I may be suicidal at that moment. THis isnt over some petty relationship. but I killed a life, not with a gun, but i killed a life that wasnt suppose to be killed but i did kill it. Every day I'm killing myself from the inside out, about it now. I got myself out of the first depression, which was fucking a bad bad horrible nightmare for 3 months. I didnt eat or sleep for about a week one time. After that I told myself im never going back to that again. Months later, here I am, and Im depressed again, not as bad, but im just off somewhere, my body shut down and Im driving everyone away.

its very very difficult for me to be typing this to complete strangers but you guys are better than anyone i know in real life . I just dont know what Im gonna think tomorrow or the next day. I may be suicidal and I may just be drifting abit. I cant handle this.

 

Aw, Stacy... I think I understand, I used to have these depressions during my summer holiday as well. Everyone's happy, enjoys the summer and summer loves and noone really cares of their single friends. All I can say is try to get over with with some of your good friends, I'm sure you'll find the one who will listen when you talk... or try to tell about it someone from your family, just tell someone who really knows you. Not just "complete strangers" , even though the hipforums work quite good (imho). Actually I'm not sure if I can help you somehow.. cause in my case, when I started to go back to school, my depressions were forgotten.

 

i'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. i know the dark times, i've been there. but i don't have any great advice for you, just know that you aren't the only one who has been there. and you're not alone either. *big hugs*

 

Hey. First, you are normal. Seriously. If you haven't felt depressed and stuff then I wonder about you. Stop thinking about driving people away and all that. Honestly, if you drive them away... then they probably weren't worth it from the start. A huge thing that I had to learn, and am still learning is, most people won't make it.. most people don't matter, most people don't care if you are dying in the middle of the street or super depressed. Soooo... that said, that's okay. When you find out who is left, it is EVERYTHING.

Sleepless moments....moments you sleep too much... depression sign moments..suck, don't they. The reality that I realized is- they are a part of life. So you either dwell in them or realize them as part of a growth process. Growth n change can be hard but when ever I get like that I know it is just to teach me a lesson and make me grow stronger.

And yes, life can be boring. Boredom sucks.. but all you can do is find stuff to fill it with. Care about yourself and love yourself and fuck the rest.

 

but yeah look at all emotions as good and life as a lesson and try to learn to throw the word "depression" out the window. it's normal. once you change the way you view things... no more control will be given.

 

or I could acknowledge my seratonin is fucked up and make changes in myself, and my situation until I feel better.

 

Go to the nearest hospital and spend eight hours in the Accident & Emergency room.

 

damn stacy, you dont convey these emotions very often.
maybe you need to be reminded of some certain situations.
i know it is wrong, but if you gauge your progress against your friends, i don't see how you could feel bad.
you are preparing for stability and a future... tell me about this tom, again..
you will be making a huge difference in many, many lives very soon.
plz be strong.

 

Its just so hard to explain every emotion that I have right now, so i stay quiet , and no one knows. Im not angry at my 'friends' they can just all go to hell because they didnt help me out one bit when I was depressed the first time. you know its scary though. Just that FUCKED UP thing in my life I did and I blame myself for it and I shouldnt even be living right now. I just pray and pray and pray every night just go to sleep and dont wake up, you know why? because I dont wanna go through the stages of deep deep depression. goddamn its so scary. the 2nd month i thought was the worst. It felt like I had a psycho brain in me and I started to hear "kill yourself, just do it, do it do it do it" over and over again, it tortured me like fucking hell. but i was fighting it like crazy, screaming at myself to get myself back to normal. my mind was vulnerable to anything just to kill myself, I thought about hard drugs, overdosing, cause I know the people that sell the shitty drugs people say they are now, like cocaine, heroin, est. and I know the very addicting horrible drug, Meth. I wanted Meth, no, I MYSELF didnt want Meth, my brain wanted meth. but it was my body and soul that was stopping me from it. Its very hard to explain it but it was basically the devil who took over my mind, but an angel who was stopping me from actually ending my life. its been months now but still today I think hes in there waiting for that moment to strike again because I feel it coming, I'm getting more pissed off with people and I start crying when I hurt their feelings. I think positive thoughts but I still dont think I deserve to be living.

 

bored? get laid.

 

sounds like cancer...

 

Well first of all you are a teenager so you already are going throgh some major shit.

Smoke a joint.

 

having been depressed most of my life and having recently gotten high for my first time, I'd have to agree with this man.

 

Was it an abortion?

 

dude yeah weed gets you happy for only for 3 hours then you're back to your shitty self. besides i cant smoke anymore cause of my career....and yes it was prax

 

Well today I sat on the little beach we have in our community and just wanted peace, It was weird how everything went quiet for a minute. I wasnt miserable, hurt, or anything. I was at peace with myself and didnt have a care in the world. my ex came back about a month ago and apologized for everything he did, but left today for stupid reasons. I told him to come back to me when hes ready to stop playing these games with me and to settle down. but i think every 21-23 year old goes through that stage where they wanna settle but they still will have that wildness in them. but Im handling this alone, I told him to go away for awhile because he just worsens it. I think I just need to calm down and realize you make mistakes in life some for worse and some for better and you learn from it, so when it happens again, you know what to do. You cant get everything you want out of life, I dont ask for much at all but maybe it really wasnt the right time to raise a baby or give it up for adoption. it couldve went to a horrible family for all i know. I think instead of going into depression, I thought about the consequences this time. Im finally growing a backbone lol

 

I'm happy for you, stacy.

You're taking time to enjoy your own company and be compassionate to yourself despite the fact you can make mistakes.

Stay the course.

 

Thank you prax. People may laugh that I changed in a matter of days when 2 days ago I was depressed but anything develops fast or slow. It takes thinking, and it takes a stubborn mind, or your mind just gets sick of being sad and it heals itself. Maybe when im 19,20,21, i'll love differently and not be so stubborn and confusing

 

I had really bad depression a few years ago and eventually got "sick of being sick", and kinda realised that a lot of what is pulling me down is stuff I have control over, things like effort applied to life, outlook (be optimistic! you will get out of this and it will make you a stronger, wiser, and more experienced person), etc.

Go into nature. Take walks in forests, along streams, on the beach, wherever you can.

 

Thats EXACTLY what I was getting at. See the beauty in things, it makes you appreciate life more

 

Well if you do live in Chicago that explains alot! Damn I wanted to die everytime I got dispatched there too!