I am married for 2 and half years, BUT

Hello all,

This is my first post in the forum. Please provide me your feedback and suggestions. I need them. This is my sincere and serious issue.

I have been married for more than 2 years. I believe I am a very normal and successful person. I love my wife and we have a very normal relationship except for the sex part. We didn't have sex so far. YES, you heard it right, we didn't had intercourse so far.

Here is the HONEST background info about my wife and me. I am a 30 year old man from India living in US. I am a normal straight guy. I have very high sexual desires and my sex drive is high. I am a decently tall, good looking and a fit person with an active lifestyle. I give enormous importance to personal life. I took my wife on a surprise Hawaii trip for our first anniversary, I teach her everything I know, I bring her surprise gifts and flowers, I do not restrict on her shopping, I help her in cooking, I do my part of household chores. I make 200K+ USD an year (my only intention is to give you the whole background, nothing else). So, money is not an issue.

About my wife. She is 26 years, really beautiful and in excellent shape. She is also from India and we had an arranged marriage. She is the only chid for her parents and she has been pampered all her life. She comes from a similar family background as mine. She is a good cook. As she comes from a traditional Indian family, she never had a boyfriend and ofcourse she never had sex before marriage, as far as I know. And, I am a virgin as was expected of me as per the Indian culture.

Ours in an arranged marriage. I only met her twice before we decided to get married, so obviously we never had any sex or even a kiss before our wedding.

Where should I start? Lets see...

1. We didn't had intercourse so far.

2. The only sex I got during the two+ years is dry humping, and playing and fondling with her breasts, most of the times with our clothes on.

3. She doesn't like to kiss lips-to-lips or mouth-to-mouth because its too dirty for her. If my saliva touches her, its dirty. When I try to kiss her, she resists and turns her face away. In the 2+years, the longest we ever kissed could be for a minute or two, that too only to please me. But kissing on cheeks is okay.

4. She doesn't let me touch her genitals with her hands. She thinks its dirty. She doesn't let me stroke it. She says she it too uncomfortable for her. I try to lick her genitals and everytime she pushes me away. She thinks normal people don't do it and only porn actors do it.

5. She doesn't touch my penis. She thinks its dirty too. When I take her hand and guide it to hold my penis, she holds it for 20-30 seconds and takes her hand away. She thinks this is porn actors stuff too... Forget about blow-job, she doesn't even stroke it.

6. She tells me she never masturbated in her life.

7. Even during the acts of dry-humpsing, she doesn't do anything. She just lies down there and let me do everything. She doesn't reciprocate. Some times she does (may be 3-5 times in 2+ years), but it doesn't look like she is really enjoying it.

8. She does get orgasm almost everytime during dry-hump, whenever I rub my penis against her genitals.

9. I bought her so much great lingerie, she never wears it. She always wears old night gowns saying she is comfortable in it.

10. In hopes of igniting her sexual desires, I bought her sexual content books, DVDs from Bornes-Noble (So its defintiely good quality, not cheap stuff). She NEVER opens it. She never reads it. For that matter, she doesn't read anything.

11. I offer her body massage so often but she rejects every time saying she is not interested. She thinks putting oil on her body is dirty. I feel that, she rejects it because she is too lazy and she doesn't want to do it for me.

12. She never stimulates my body.

13. She never initiates sex. In the whole 2+ years, she might have initiated it 10 times max.

14. A lot of times when I initiate by stroking her breasts or kissing, she takes my hand away. IF I try 10 times, she'll respond may be once. All this for dry-humping with clothes on... one in ten times of those events, she is willing to take all clothes off. The main reason she says is that its cold, even in mid-summers. But she wouldn't want to turn-off the fan.

15. I'll have to take whatever I get... I am already starved off sex so much, I could not reject those dry-hump opportunities. In those situations, I'll be in the mode "take whatever you get, instead of asking for more. becasue I know I will not get anything more".

16. I try to get into shower when she is showering to try to heat things up, but she gets upset says that my soap water spills on her, which she thinks is dirty.

17. I tried to have intercourse a few times... She pushes me away with her legs. She complains that she is feeling l lot of pain. I ask her to go check with a Gynec. She says yes I'll go check with a doctor. Guess what, she has been postponing visiting the gynec for the last 2+ years.

She can not stand when I find fault with her... Whatver happens, she throws all the fault on me... She blames me for not having sex so far.

What should I make of this situation?

If you listen to Devil inside me talking:
I doubt that she doesn't really like me and may be she is rejecting me for this reason. I feel she had an affair before we got married, which she didn't tell me and she still continues have that affair whenever I am out of town.

If you listen to Angel inside me talking:
I think she is really averse to sex. She doesn't have any real interest in it, except for a few times. Her sexual drive is extremely low. She is too into herself. She can not take it to exchange bodily fluids with another person. She can not really open up herself.

Whatever is the case, I am really suffering a lot. Imagine being a 30 year old person like me and not having any sex, while everyone outside the two of us are thinking that I am having a great life. I never cheated on her and I never visited a prostitute to satisfy my sexual desires. I don't think that's a right way. But if some attractive lady tries to seduce me, I DO NOT think I can resist becasue of all the sexual tension built up in me for so many years. Although I know its wrong, I don't think I can really resist it.

Divorcing her is not option. I am NOT going to do that. I believe a marriage should last a lifetime. Remember I come from a traditional Indian family. I can not talk to any of my family members as it would be a disaster for them to find this out. I tried to talk to my wife a lot of times. But she thinks that I am always ONLY interested in sex but nothing else and she becomes angry.

What should I do? How should I make the situation better? How should I increase her sex drive? Please don't ask me to be more romantic becasue I am doing my best already.

What do you make of this situation? I would like to hear from a girl's perspective if any girl is reading this.

Please advice me. Please guide me.

Thanks
Anonymous.

 

It is very difficult to change a view about a natural process, but I think that there are still some things that you can do to open up your wife. Are the two of you interested in having children? If there is a slight chance in wanting children, then you may be able to convince her. Some people only use sex to produce, but if you DON'T want a kid, then YOU can chart her cycle. Have sex on the days that she isn't fertile. Maybe this will help her like sex.

Here is a website that talks about the health benefits of orgasms:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexualhealthqanda/f/orgasms_health.htm
Here are the health benefits of having sex:
http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/08/cz_af_1008health.html



Good luck!

 

therapy and/or couples counselling

seriously, this is a serious issue and some professional help would not go amiss. believe me, it wont change overnight - it may never change for her. she'll only improve/be more comfortable if deep down she wants to be. but at least you can talk about it with a professional referee to some help figuring out the root cause of everything. though if youre still living in india, im not sure how easy it is to find a couples counsellor or sex therapist

 

be like NIKE!!!

 

I agree that therapy/counseling is much needed. Good luck!

 

Sounds to me like she has an issue with intimacy and it being 'dirty'. Could it be that she grew up in a sterile environment where emphasis was put on clean environment and sex being a 'dirty' thing. I think she could benefit from some therapy. Does she hug you, are you close otherwise?