The walls of security have fallen

Prescript: Hi, this is a revolutionary twist to your average thread. In order to appreciate the essence of the thread. A suggested soundtrack is featured at the end of thread literature.

When I came out of care in the summer of 2000. I thought my life would be great, I thought that I was on the right track. I felt secure, I felt relieved, I was free after two years of 24/7 supervisionary care.
The summer was hot, the temperature was like a furnace, on the roads of Uxbridge, my new home in Lawn road. I had a local park, a running river nearby and had The Pavilions on the other side. I guess I didn't realise how intense my life would be when I made that decision in the winter months of 2001. September happened shortly before, the skies grew darker, the fog grew more intense, islamophobia even caught hold of me. I was with the majority, not the muslims....for a while until I understood the truth of it all. Meanwhile in 2000, I was at Uxbridge college, I had a part time job working as a glass collector for the Continental Cafe in Uxbridge High Street. The hours were long, the pay was cash in little brown envelopes with little smiley faces when my work was spot on. I smelled the smoke, I was invaded by the atmosphere of joyful dancers. They danced the night away, and yet, they all had work the very next day. It all seemed to blur into one moment, one experience that could best be described as euphorical. Mojo, Spiller and even Aurora had a top place in the charts. Primitive times, cassettes were widespread, the cost of living was easier, there was more freedom, more value for money. It is hard to imagine Ken had just won City hall. But he did. My mind wasn't on politics until 2001. I would come home after work, 3am, drinking cheap Dutch Tesco lager whilst watching Slomo and the green dragon on BBC2 learning zone. Then the skies would become brighter, as dawn broke the darkness. I was in bed, then I struggled eventually to stick at college. The college days were good. I was with friends, sat on a grassy knowle in the campus, smoking and talking, shooting a few baskets in the basketball court.

I moved to Lewisham in 2002. It was Febuary and my life started to get worse. I was away from outter London, and in the Hellish slums of Babylon. I was slitting my arms, cutting my wrists, being subjected to abuse, threats and lost a job because I had money taken out of my till by my colleague. I had another job in 2004. It was hells kitchen. But I stuck at it. Then I got a job in October 2004, that went great, until prison.

Whilst in prison, I fucked up my life and realised that when and if I came out, life would be unrecognisable. It would be a new dawn of pain, darkness and irreparable damage. There would be blood smeared on the walls and I would face years of unemployment. More than I have ever had before. I was let down, decieved by New Deal places. I was up for changing my life, I tried alas all in vane. Now I lose the people closest to me in my life through my two year depression. Twenty years in my life, gone in two years. Faded to place I knoweth not. And only the memories live on. This offers little comfort. NOw I am anxious, I am distraught, I fear I might commit a crime as a result of sheer desperation and depression. My moods swing like a pendulum nightmare. I scream out in my dreams and most recently I talked to myself, made funny noises and dropped memoirs out of my bedroom window so someone would read my pain. I guess I want attention, I want help, love, to be loved appreciated and understood. I live in a world of apathy, of all or nothing and now most recently I learn I have no right to live unless I conform to jobcentres baeurocratic standards. I am without my mother, my father, I tried to get them to take responsibility for the abuse they did to me when I was a kid. I was met with hostility. NOw I am all alone, my shadow is my only companion. I am in the cold wilderness where even the wind hates me. I have cried so many tears and had too many sleepless nights. And now the final curtain, the curtains fall, but yet in my heart, I know that the show must go on. In vane it is, as always. My life is just a by product of my abused childhood.
A winter of discontent around the corner, a recession on its way and the cost of living too much.

Its all too much. Help

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yiNqwEAtpk

 

why dont you start looking for some commune (i mean a real one, i mean agriculture, not a lousy city lair infested with drunkards) and stick there ? I suspect that you cant stand city life (who can, after all) . or consider migrating to another country. hell , everything but not sustaining this shit. get even: dont tell your parents, leave them wondering where the fuck you went, 4 the rest of their lives, if they care. the ultimate revenge, safe and legal.
this of course if you just want to flush water over all the shit you faced, if you also want to get rich it's another story.

all this can be a pile of crappy ideas but i cant find nothing more radical.