I always feel like a tool when I post here, but what the hell.

I really have no idea where to start here since I haven't really spoken of it all before. I wont give everything away, just keep it short so I dont bore you all.

I guess I should start at the beginning: Ever since my parent's got married in 2000, their relationship has been on a bumpy decline.
My mum and I have been arguing and fighting allot lately. After a particularly bad day between my mum and I today, I broke again and confined in my dad. When we where talking he hinted at me what I have been suspecting for a while now - His and my mum's relationship is coming to a steady halt.

For many years, my mother has become more and more reclusive with everyone around her. She refuses to go out and meet new people, interact with people and won't even talk to us sometimes. I've told her countless times before: She need's people. She needs to go out and have a bitch-session about us, complain about us as you do, you know? Interact with people. But she scoffs it off, or has a cry, rant, or a tantrum.

She has always bore a certain amount of animosity towards my dad and his side of the family. The family on my dad's side are Italian, so there is a strong belief in the family system, big gatherings and food and she wont have anything to do with them, because of that reason. There was even a time where she didn't want us to see them, because she didn't want to.
My dad worked in Papua New Guinea for nearly a year, ten weeks on and five weeks off swings (mining), and I think that took more of a toll on the marriage. Even after my dad came home for the five weeks, she still wouldn't want much to do with him unless it had something to do with working around the yard, or the occasional sex. I remember once she told him he may as well just go to Indonesia and have sex with one of the girls there because he wont get anything from her.

She will barely have anything to do with him: Ignores his attempts in giving her a cuddle, a kiss or any sort off affection.
I can barely remember the last time that they slept in the same bed. The dogs do now.

There have been times where she has not been speaking to my dad, or my brother, sister or myself, and when I might ask her about it, her reply would be "Because it's fun."

When we have company over she's everyone's mate then. All smiley and sociable. But as soon as they leave it's back to the same thing. She gives the dogs more attention than any of her own family. It's like.. Fucking hell! I wish I was a dog then maybe you'd show me a little love, hey?
She's said to my dad a few times that when we (my brother, sister and I) move out, she wont care if she doesn't have anything to do with us, and wont even mind if we do not want to celebrate Christmas with us.
She just will not stop pushing people away and I have told her that no matter how much she says she doesn't want, or need people in her life - She does but she can't keep pushing them away. There have been times where she doesn't look directly at me for days, and then suddenly we're mates again as soon as she realises she need's me for something.
Just this afternoon my dad asked her to stop moving his things around from place to play because he could never find anything, and right now she's sulking and sobbing in the bathroom. She's nuts.

I don't know how I'd feel if they separated. Nothing is set in concrete, yet.

In a way I'd be happy it would have finally happened, because my dad does deserve so much better than her. He needs a woman who will return his affectionate advances, someone who will love him, and wont take him for granted. I want him to be happy.
I think what I am sick and tired of most is the fact that for some reason I don't feel like I can talk about it, or relate with others - Because from my experience all the feedback I get is: "Oh, well all families have their disagreements.", "You have no right to be upset, my problem is way worse than yours."or "Typical teenager response. You'll realize how good you have it one day."

So if you do feel like that I'm afraid I'm going to have to politely tell you to blow it up your ass because this fucking hurts, okay?

Rant over.

 

have they tried therapy? it sounds alot like shes got some deep rooted issues, social anxiety disorder possibly but maybe something more, its possible to save the relationship and make her happier and healthier with treatment, wether thats medication or just therapy, but i would seriuslty strongly suggest trying that route b4 committing to ending the relationship..
howver..it maybe the problem is she has alotta resentments/
had they married and had kids young? had she not been able to have a life of her own b4 being thrust into fthe mother and wife roll?
there coiuld be many thiongs going on but its clear that they really at least need to try therapy..if it fails then seperatimons an option
but at lewsst they tried everything they could
im sorry things been so rouygh for ya
hugs

 

That's just it. She won't consider it. She wont even acnowledge the fact that she is like this. She would rather end the relationship then admit that she has a problem.

She does have allot of social anxiety, and takes medication for depression. She's also a very heavy pot smoker, so I think that there could be a connection there. Bad combination of the two. She is very dependant on pot.

The two of them have been together since I was about two years old. Her previous boyfriend would often cheat, and beat up on her. Once I was born, she left him.

We lived alone for a while, and when she met my dad they lived together with a mutual friend. From what she's told me, and what family have told me she lived a pretty indapentant life since leaving home. I was never planned but that never stopped her from travelling, or making a steady living. Living standards weren't great - We lived in dongers, and for a while we lived in a hotel above a pub while she was a bar maid. But it was good, just her and I for a very long time.

They had my little sister when I was three, and my brother when I was five. When they got married in 2000, they where fine for a few years. But for a long time since, as previously mentioned they've been like this.

 

kinda what i figured, whats the name of the meds shes on? alotta depression meds cause just as many of not more probs then they solve,m im not suggesting she stop but maYBE SHE SHOULD LOOK INTO ADJUSTING DOSAGE OR SWITCHING MEDS ..BEING SO DEPENDENT ON WEEDS NOT GREAT, ITS NOT HORRIBLE BUT IF ITS EXTREME OVERUSE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD THING, ALTHOUGH, IT COULD BE SIMPLY SELF MEDICATIKNG ALOTTA ANXIERTY AND DEPRESSION CAN BE TREATTED WITH WEEED BUT SOME ANXIETY CAN BE MADE WORSE TOO ONLY WAY TO BE SURE IS TAKING A FULL MONYTH OFF FROM SMOKING

damn caps
id also like to suggest besides the counceling she should look into contactinmg a good naturapathic doc some depressions and inclinations towards certain drugs can be mild undiagnosed food alergies especialy if she displays adictive behavior to non adictive drugs, the theorie is that your body is inclined to desire a drug simular to the food your alergic too, so like a barley alergy would incline you to want beer, grapes wine corn corn based whisky and so ion
a naturapath woiuld take a very different approach to treattting the depression and adictive behaviors with nutrition changes herbs and minerals instead of drugs with nasty side effect

its possible the sidfe effects are causing an internal war that shes struggling with and what you see as her behavior might be just the tip of the iceburg she maybe strugglung every day just to keep aklive to keep from killing herself hurting herself or others and when shes pushing you and everyone away it could be her way of trying to seperate herself from the world so when and if she doies finaly snap shed not hurt anyone but herself
these situations are complicated
you must convince her to get help wether psych or a more holistic approach
yopu cant push her into becomming social with ppl though not untill her deeper issues are moree under control..
if she wont recognise the need to try then u have 2 options
1 a intervention type thing, anyone and everyone shes at all close to..her family freinds whatever take as much time as needed to convince her and show her just what shes putting ppl through..or
2 give her an ultimatum its either try to get help..or its over..
well i know everyoines hurt by it but its best to have a lil compassion even though she may say and do hurtful things try to understand she may have a very deep struggle that causes it she maybe extremely unhappy and teetering on the edge..just ending things might pushj her ovedr it..its best to trey every possible option 1st
maybe a better ultimatum might be just get help or no more weed in the house till you do...

good luck

 

There's a connection. I've been like your mom, though a little more aware of my problem and the pot absolutely doesn't help for the long run. It might feel like it's a life line when the anxiety hits roof and a toke can level that out but over all, it encourages this kind of anxiety and paranoia. ((This isn't for everyone. Some people are helped by daily toking, some people are hindered. Pot is a great adhd drug, for example)) \

One of the biggest side effects of depression/anxiety is loss of sexdrive. I'm finding quitting the pot is helping that for me too. (My poor husband) Triple any of that if she's got insecurities or paranoia about her husband and Indonesian girls

How long have you been living in the same city? I know if I was a traveller person being tied down to one spot would kill my soul - especially if my spouse got to travel. 10 years in the same place certainly added to my crazy.

Best of luck to you and sorry you have to be going through this. Its hard when you want to help someone you love and they just want to push you away.

 

good point blazing
u see you really cant have any idea what all is going through her mind..
i missed that whole traveling connection, but its clear theres alot of dissatisfactlion and yes resentment
perhaps alot of it was because shes stuck at home while dads away and that leads to mistrust
maybe also there had been reasons to distrust your not aware of?
real or imagined
whatever..
i just hope that they can sit down with someone and look into the issues

 

An intervention could be an alright option, soaringeagle. My dad is on another swing, so next chan he is home, I’ll bring it up with him. It’d be good for us to be able to tell her too, if she gave us the chance to.

It just hurts so much when she’s like this, and it’s gone on for so long that I don’t even really feel any family connection to her anymore. I’m all out of sympathy for her. I’ve tried very hard to get her to listen to me, let me explain to her what I feel she’s doing to us, and herself. But nothings good enough. I’m not accepting the bad days anymore. But I am willing to try and give it another shot.

I think that asking her to at least try and quit pot for a month minimum is worth a shot, but I’m not sure how it’ll go down.

I don’t think that it has anything to do with her being tied down to one place now. She grew up in Tasmania for the most part of her life, till she was about 19, and soon after, had me. She’s never really wanted to travel. She’s pretty happy being in one place. We travelled across the Nullabor, through Kalgoorlie, all sorts of mining camps for a few years before she met my dad. And even then, when it was then the three of us, and his dog, we never really stopped moving about till we settled down in Kalgoorlie where they had my younger siblings.
We’ve lived here for a good eight years now. And my mum said that it’s mainly in the last two years that she’s realised that things probably wont work out between her and my dad. But I know that that wouldn’t sort out her problems either. They’ve almost payed off the house now, and I imagine how my dad would go finding a place to rent with the prices already $300 - $400 p/week. It’s ridiculous.

But he does deserve a woman who will return his affection, know that he loves her. My mum just doesn’t seem to realize this. She only focuses on the bad.

I don’t know, but I get the feeling that it has something to do with almost enjoying finding excuses to be paranoid, or depressed. She checks my dad’s emails on a pretty regular basis, goes through his bags when he comes home from work, asks who he has been talking to, if he’s organizing anything. See when he was in mining, he could’ve went down the mountain with most of the other guys and spend his one night off a fortnight rooting some Indonesian hooker, but he didn’t. He has never been unfaithful.

When they do wind up having arguments, she normally ends up scrubbing the house from head to foot, sulking in the bathroom, or leaving for a few hours. There’s even been a couple of instances where she has driven off to visit, and spend the night at her ex-boyfriends house - Which is a worry. I get the feeling that she’s still carrying a torch, since they where high-school sweethearts.

Well we’ll see what happens when my dad get’s back. I’ll keep things posted.
And thank you allot BlazingDervish, for that too. It helps to hear that there is another person out there who has been through a similar thing. I appreciate your help.

 

ok does she seem bi polar or just severely depressed,
and what are the meds shes on and how longs she been on them..2 years maybe?

what were dealling with here is a direct result of the depression and the meds the meds and depression alter sex drive
shes left alone for long periods of time which she feels is neglecting her, she most likely is having some sort of at least emotionasl dsupport if not also sexual with her ex, because she needs to have someone more then a couple weelks a year
i cant say everything woiulkd be solved by dad taking a new job that didnt keep him away dso long but it would help some i bet
her extreme jealousy and distrust though, thats a bigger issue maybe stemming from her own insecurrity maybe from her own infedelity or paranoia
and the long peroids of distance sure dont make that easy..in her mind shes thinkinmg if he really wants to be woiith only me why would he work away so long..he hass needs as she does he must be getting those needs met elsewhere
her needs turn to disgust when these feelings enter..
its no longer god i cant wait till hes home to make love it becomes what other sluts he been with how can i want to be with someone whod run off to a whore everytime im not there..
it doesnt matter if he never did the distance for so long makes her feel he must have especialy if in a momment of weakness she did herself

they need counceling
they need less time apart more timer working onb things
and she almost definatelky needs to change her meds

lets talk more about this soon ok?

 

being bipolar, i understand that your mum feels these emotions but doesn't
know what to do with them i think the others have hit the nail on the head,so will not waffle on

btw, don't feel like a tool, people online can be a great soundboard
for so much stuff that roles around in our heads it has helped me alot over the years

 

well i think i upset her with the bluntness and some assumptions in that last post which i understand i didnt mean to state it as fact that that was whats up..only possibilities she should be prepared to face if it came to that

 

Yes soaringeagle, it did/does upset me allot.
The fact that you where stating all of that as factual.

I have went through what you've said before, in my mind, many times already. I know what could happen, and the every possibility of what's going through my mothers head.

Although I do apreciate it when people don't beat around the bush, I just feel that your bluntness hasn't helped me in this situation.

 

hope your feeling better today

 

nightrose, c'mon back

 

Sorry, ava. I just needed a couple of days to mull everything over. I was able to have a good bitch with a friend who went through a similar thing - Her parents split up after their marriage was going through something similar to what mine are going through at the moment. Her dad had been acting allot like my mother is now before their split so we can both relate.

I'm thinking about getting some advice from my campus shrink in the morning when I go to college, and see what advice she can offer me about this whole thing and my dad comes home Thursday night so I'll be able to talk things over with him too.

With any luck I'll just be able to learn how to deal with the whole thing a little better.

 

hey, sounds like your on the right track, talking with friends does help
going to see someone on campus (ECU?)is wonderful i have done that myself and it was a godsend
btw,you don't need to learn to react better, sure learn some emotional tools,but it is very hard to stop that intial reaction don't fight it

stay well








;0

 

College, actually, and yeah I spoke with the shrink and she agrees that it would be a good idea to talk to my mum and tell her what I'm feeling I guess. She suggested that I get her alone and just pre-warn her that what I have to say might not be what she wants to hear. I should probably write it down too, so if she wont listen - maybe she'll read.
I think that she's already sensed that we (my dad and I in particular - I think that my brother and sister are still a bit young to undserstand) where getting so sick of things we where both pretty much ready to pull one of her stunts and just leave for a while outrselves because she has been a little better past three days at least. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

I really appreciate your time in listening to me too ava, it's really helped out allot.