This true story needs a good ending. The names have been changed to protect the beautiful, the beastly, and all those who blur the defining lines. I entered public school in fifth grade. Home schooled up to this point, I was a "gifted" child, although "cursed" is the word I most often chose to describe myself after the first day. I spent each day careening between frustration with the supine morons that surrounded me, and deep sadness, both felt with an intensity that only cold loneliness can help magnify. After all, if these were my peers, why did they seem to hate me so much? Why were they so bent on making me feel so alone, so worthless? It seemed I was without friends - my own worst enemy, but only after the whole student body was accounted for. But one day... It was recess, just after lunch. I was just walking, passing the time until the bell rang. The air was crisp, precisely the temperature at which clear and yet faraway autumn memories should be served. The only leaves left on the cottonwoods and maples were the real troupers. If the first snow hadn't fallen yet, it surely did in the days following. But, the point of my story has very little to do with the weather. In fact after I first laid eyes on Sarah the state of outdoor conditions was the furthest thing from my mind for quite some time. Now, historically, words have always served me quite well... I find that often they can be far more reliable, interesting, and humble than even the most admirable people humanity has to offer. Keeping that in mind, know this: the only time in my life that a dictionary or thesaurus has failed to find the right words is now, as I make (or, rather, willfully abstain from) this attempt at describing the beauty that went walking before my eyes. After I realized that what I saw wasn't a dream, I realized also that my jaw needed picking up from the pebbles and wood chips. I did so just in time for her to glance over and catch me midway through the endeavor. Our eyes locked. I froze. Later, I became quite interested in why my heart hadn't signed a letter of resignation and quit on the spot, or beat himself to death, in the frenzied, desperate style of a chronic masturbator. I remember very clearly, while I was still in recovery - recoiling from the initial event, I heard someone say, "I think he likes you, Sarah..." As if it weren't obvious enough, the random friend confirms it to the world. My hat's off to you. Just at the point I think that my capacity for loathing others has been maxed out, you thought to say that. Thank you, genuinely, for raising the bar, I said inwardly. For the rest of the day, all I could think about was this Sarah. And, by "the day," I mean "the week." And, of course, by "the week," I mean "the seven years until graduation." In the meantime, I grew up along with everyone else. Eventually, as puberty requires and high school doctrine dictates, I dated a few girls between then and now. The first was Ann. I loved her, in the sense of what an intelligent, but inexperienced boy in seventh grade deems love must be. But, shortly after, a new girl came to the school and I broke up with Ann and started dating Megan - for about a week. Megan proceeded to break up with me for my friend. Ashamed and desperate, I weakly begged forgiveness of my beloved Ann, and eventually we were once again a couple, but with a twist. At random intervals, she would admit screwing my ex-friend. At this point, I naturally considered us not to be exclusive anymore and opened myself to the market. Sara R. was the first to bite, although all I could think about was how to get Ann's loyalty back, so we ended our fling shortly after it began. Ann and I eventually split for good during sophomore year, and I, hating my life more than ever, began to act out. Eventually I was suspended for the remainder of that year. I started to really think about Sarah for the first time since middle school. I never thought I was good enough to ask her out, and that still held true. I thought how nice it would be to love and live with Sarah. I thought about how I had wasted all that time letting myself be fooled - trying to believe the old adage... "There are other fish in the sea." But, sometimes, in life, you just realize things about what you want in life, and you know them with your whole heart. They don't make you confused, or unsure. They are the purest feelings a person can have. It is only in enacting the ideas - making them reality instead of fantasy - that can be scary and disrupt lives already in motion. I have known that I wanted Sarah since the first time I saw her. (If you have come this far with me, dear reader, please endure the tedious story of my life just a little longer.) As we approached Christmas break, junior year, Sarah and I had a class together. On the last day before the vacation started, I gave her a small bracelet and a card asking her out. After six years of knowing her and barely exchanging more than a few words, I just gave it my all and was promptly denied the day we came back. "I just haven't had a good experience dating people from school." We hugged and that was that… Reflecting now, I can see that it was perhaps unwise to ask for a date right out of the gate, that maybe it was weird for her to be asked out by an almost total stranger. Now it has over been a year since the last I last saw of her, at Senior Prom, where I almost lost my dinner. As I danced with my date, I saw Sarah - without one... I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and hold her there forever. Still holding my date, (actually my girlfriend of about a year at this point) I felt a profound perversity in the situation, and promptly retired to the men's room in case I became sick. That night led to a breakup between my prom date and I that I do not regret having to do. But, now I have come full circle - back to where I started, except I have no idea how to find the girl I have truly loved since that chilly fall afternoon. I think actually, I am too cowardly to even begin to try. I grow tired of the cycle which I've been a part of too long. I hate trying to fill the void Sarah leaves in my life with other women. I only end up hurting other people, once I realize again that it is a useless gesture, to scoff at and deny the truth I alone know (until today, that is.) And so, I implore you, my patient reader... tell me what I can do. Relieve my heavy heart. [A curious note: Ann apparently talked to Sarah at some point during that break, and this information was exchanged - that I had asked Sarah out. Whether the two were close or if Ann just told Sarah to say no or whatever... I don't know, but it still bothers me.]
I think you have two options: a) Go after Sarah and give it your all and hopefully you can get somewhere with her b) (I know this sounds harsh) Get over it. There's no use waiting around for someone who doesn't love you back. Maybe you really need to try your hardest to go out with Sarah and then things will either go well or else you may find out that she's just not interested and then you'll be able to move on.
