the gentle mysteries i don't know what tomorrow looks like, other than a white square on a grid of others with red numbers in the top left corners. i do know what the tiny circle not fully shaded in means on the right corner. in between full and new, the number says three, though i know tomorrow is the third for the 221st time in my less than two decade life. i don't know if tomorrow is green and full of white daisies with bees dancing erotically from flower to flower or if tomorrow is blue like a caribbean sea, washing up on golden-white sands, grabbing at the ankles of brown-skinned beauties. i don't know if tomorrow, john of revelations will be correct and battle between heaven and hell will begin. i do know that tomorrow isn't here yet, and i have all day to prepare. -may3'07
This is a nice simple poem, containing some nice tangible images. I like it a lot, but I do think that it could benefit from some punctuation. I’m not sure why you have chosen not to use capitals, maybe to create a stream of consciousness effect, but I think that this just makes the poem a little amateurish. Anyway, I’ve gone through the poem line by line below, just to highlight any places that I saw room for improvement. But my suggestions are to be taken with a pinch of salt. don’t now what tomorrow looks like, *I thought the line break after looks was sort of pointless and actually weakened the impact of ‘looks like’. other than a white square on a grid of others[,] with red numbers in the top left-[hand] corners. *a line break here would serve to strengthen the difference between what you do and don’t know. [But] I do know the meaning of the tiny circle not fully shaded, in the other corner. # I rearranged this a little cos I thought it read a little awkwardly the way you had means on the right corner. After already saying left corner, other corner can do the job of describing where, just as well. In between full and new, the number says three, and i know tomorrow * I thought ‘though’ was the wrong word choice. Why if the number is actually three, do you need “though”. is the third for the 221st time in my (less than two decade) life. I would snip ‘less than two decade’ as it is just re-itterating what you’ve said but in far less poetic terms. don't know if tomorrow is green and full of white daisies with bees [who dance] from flower to flower[,] *Although dancing erotically is nice, it doesn’t provide as immediate an image as ‘who dance’ or if tomorrow is blue like a Caribbean * why the line break? sea, washing up on golden-white sands, grabbing at the ankles of brown-skinned beauties. don't know if tomorrow, john of revelations will be correct and [the]battle between heaven and hell * no need to spell out heaven and hell after talking about evelations. I already know who the battle will be between. will begin. [But] do know that tomorrow isn't here yet, and have all day to prepare. I thought this was a well considered poem and I do like the imagery. I did feel that adding ‘But’ throughout the piece strengthened the feeling of comparison between what you knew and what you didn’t. As I said, these are just some of the places where I got hung up a little. I am in workshop mode recently, so I hope you have no hangups about my criticisms, as they are meant to prove helpful to you on any further re-drafts. Thanks for posting this, Keep writing. Aidan. my draft of your poem: I don’t now what tomorrow looks like, other than a white square on a grid of others, with red numbers in the top left-hand corners. But I do know the meaning of the tiny circle not fully shaded, in the other corner. In between full and new, the number says three, and i know tomorrow is the third for the 221st time in my life. I don't know if tomorrow is green and full of white daisies with bees who dance from flower to flower, or if tomorrow is blue like a Caribbean sea, washing up on golden-white sands, grabbing at the ankles of brown-skinned beauties. I don't know if tomorrow, john of revelations will be correct and the battle will begin. But I do know that tomorrow isn't here yet, and I have all day to prepare.
awesome i appreciate the hell out of your effort and your critique this was a first draft poem from long ago i just came across and made copypasta out of it suggestions duly noted
That was pretty nice of him to edit it. It was a nice poem, he did a good job of cutting out some of the rough edges. Usually you want to avoide cliches like heaven and hell. I like to sort of string random images into wierd concepts too, was fun to read what its like.
