Need help to save a friendship

Hello everyone,

I have a friend I met while hiking and he lives the next building over, so we hike, go on day trips, bike ride, and talk like friends do.
His wife seemed fine with it, but is actually jealous of our friendship and is driving her wedge to end it, as she's done before.
She's only 25, and doesn't have any good friends due to her negative issues that pushes people away.
My friend discussed this with me and all the people she pushed away in the past, and has had enough. It's not fair to him, the marrage, or the people around them.

In my opinion, she needs to learn about what she's doing, the causes and possible solutions...

So I'm asking you ladies out there what I,(a man), can do to help her in a way that won't offend and hopefully not anger her?

 

a whole lotta nothing. seriously. nothing. it's not your marriage, it's his. iterferring just gets you into a jerry springer style drama. inviting her along, including her, etc, and putting up with her for your friend's benefit is all you can do. this is their deal. wait it out, support your friend, have patience. that's it.

 

I agree with KC, if you bring it up to her there is a VERY good chane you wont be seeing your friend at all.

 

shit hitting the fan.

 

Dont interfere with their marriage. Period. If she aint cool with it, then she aint cool. Find another friend in the meanwhile.

 

I'm not trying to interfere with the marrage, they have their counselor for that...I'm trying to save my friendship with him... it's hard to find a good friend, and don't want to lose it because she's jealous and spiteful.

 

Just hold back and give em their time to figure it out. Friendships can survive a bit of jealousy marriages however, are a different story.

 

^word.

 

I understand, but she's done this several times before and he's lost many friends from it... he's fed up with it.

I was thinking of writing a letter, not to point out her issues, but to say a few words about mine in hopes she'll relate to them. I'll also include insight to how I've learned to reconize and overcome my issues. I'll say how I enjoy her company while hiking and that she's an interesting person, to let her know she's included in the friendship not apart from it. Perhaps her desire to gain a friend is stronger than the need to push one away.
I'll go over it first with my friend and let him decide if it'll help, if not, then I'll leave it be.
Either way I risk a loss, I may as well try...

 

shoot, go for it then. What can it hurt??

 

Its his and her marriage. Its his and your friendship.

Let him drive the friendship in such a way that his marriage will benefit.

If he wants to talk to you about his marriage, he will. If he wants your advice, give him the best you know.

If he wants you to talk to his wife, he'll ask you. That's the time to remember that it's your place to be his friend. It's not your place to "fix" his wife. Even (or especially?) if he asks you.

 

Thanks for the feedback, but we've been discussing his marriage and her for some time now. I came here to see if there may be other options the ladies may have in a way they'd like to be treated.
We have a good friendship, not the average bar buddy type to be tossed aside on a whim.
I wonder if John Gray makes house calls...

 

Why would you write a letter, why wouldn't you talk to her in person?..It would be much more productive and she'll realize how much you care about her husband and her, you'll show her how great friend you actually are...
keep us posted!

 

Well, I finally caught up with him and presented the letter to him, after he read it, he said it was written very well and in a way that doesn't single out or attack anyone. He's going to give it to her when she's in a good mood.
So now we wait...

 

Dude, what are you talking about?

 

I think dave is saying ( feel free to correct me here dude) is that because you wrote the letter in the first place you were probably in her eyes attacking her. Just because you don't say her name or whatever you clearly mean to critize her because you wrote it to her.

 

yeah, i'd consider that interfering to a degree that is totally unacceptable if i were her. maybe he just picks up friends he knows aren't gonna get along with his wife.

 

Perhaps, but it really is a good letter, not attacking her at all, and critizism is the last thing I'd think about... actually, I explained some of my own issues and how being friends with them is a good thing. He tells me she has trouble reconizing things, so maybe if she see's the same type of stuff in another, she may relate to them. I've done this before and it worked well. Some people hate to look at themselves or people telling them what's wrong with them, but some may find it easier to see it within others, and then find a connection on their own. By utilizing a letter, they can have the privacy to express feelings without the usual cover up being around others. For some this may lead to steps to begin the healing process, and for others, they'll be angry. This anger will be misdirected at the writer of the letter, but the anger is actually from having those issues and unsure how to deal with them.
The letter is addressed to her, but he's picking the right time to give it.
Like I said before, I risk losing them anyway, I may as well try... but I can't just do nothing. If anything, she'll know I care enough to even think of her, to take the time to make an attempt, where all others in her life wouldn't even try.

I'll know soon enough what the outcome is, prolly in a week or so.

Thanks again for your input and taking the time to even reply, I may not agree with everything, but I know you at least cared a bit to try.

 

I always try, lol