I feel empty. I don't know why, most 22-year-olds haven't been to four continents or visited 25 countries. I have a family and friends whom I know love me. I have some things that I like to do and some that I don't. When I think about having children (in 5-10 years) I usually see that as a completely diffrent issue than finding a guy. I don't really envision the father. Which is strange because my parents are happily married. I usually try to run away from my life by watching dramas or reading books or travel. It's works for a while but soon I'm back where I started. Today I sat with my feet dangeling outisde my window and wondered what it would feel like to jump, would I get injured or not (I live on the first floor so I would say it's perhaps 5 m to the ground)? And thats another thing, I have absolutely no fear of death, just injury and pain. I feel like my life is meaningless most of the time, after my mum dies (she has cancer and the medicine, while slowing the process isn't making her better) I don't really have much to live for. She is the only one who would completely break down if I die. Don't get me wrong i don't want to die nor would I kill myself I simply wouldn't be sad if it did happen or feel guilty if there now is an after life. And I want to change that. I want to do something that makes me feel like more than a ghost. Something that make my life worth something. Instead here I am, while I'm noth wealthy, I have money. I have a good home, I'm healthy and I feel nothing. If anyone I know reads this they would never believe that I'm the one writing. It's funny, they all say I'm very happy, smart and seems to know what I want in life. In the beginning of the summer a friends told me that she wished her personality was more like mine, that she could be more social. I find it funny, it's true that she is shy most of the time, but for anyone to wish to be like me... I don't understand them. But I want to, I want to see what they see in me. I want to know why people place a worth on me when I can't find any in myself. I also what to be happy, genuine happiness is something I almost only feel when I travel, when I'm away from everyone and everything that i know. But I want to be able to be happy here as well, I should be. But to be that I need to change how i live my life I just don't know how.
Well I'm trying to console my sister now, who's friend was shot at a branch of the Unitarian church in Tennessee. Turn on the news. It's probably all over there. The only thing I could say to console her was that lifes a jungle... and that there are people out there who do what the other man who got killed in that church did, which was to heroiclly throw himself in front of gunfire to protect everyone else there, including many children, since there was a play going on... Anyway, what I'm saying is, if theres nothing I can to make things okay for someone I love and understand as well as my sister, theres certainly no way I or anybody else can just say something to you that's going to make you feel that your life has meaning. I have news for you. If you think your lifes meaningless, it is. It is. And if you think your life is rich and has deep meaning, it will. You're the only one in your life who can find the meaning for yourself. I wish you all the luck. But my guess is, you're not going to find it today. Because you say things like, the only person who would miss me when I'm gone... A: I bet you're wrong, and B: more importantly, that's still attaching yourself to the idea that someone else will give your life meaning for you. So that's it. Lifes a jungle and your probably not going to find your answer today. My advice is to accept that, and go spend some time with your mom.
I know. I know she'll be alright, but I wish I could be around to hug her. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. We had another good friend get killed pretty violently about two ago, and she's pretty shaken up, http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jOAQKzY-aOBqDspFkEAV_ZO65vZAD926SHLO0
So what? Yes, life is meaningless. But that's cool. Once you realize that you can just have some fun and laugh at how pointless it all is. You will never find your answers in another person. It is in you alone. No one ever said life had to have a meaning. Money and relationships will never give you piece of mind. So you are stuck with you alone. That is the way it should be. Sink or swim....It is your life. Good luck.
That's life, it's quite an ironic situation we are put in here. For as much beauty and good there is in the world there's probably just as much evil and bad. I've often thought as you have about what the future holds in terms of kids, a companion, a house? farm? etc...and I'm entirely the type of person that doesn't really plan, I take things as they come and live in the here and now, not the there and then. I also love to travel, I'm only 19 but I've been to basically all the states, and over 20 countries. In fact that's what I plan on doing with my life, just to travel the world. I'd really like to circumnavigate the globe in a sail boat (love sailing). Trust me, I know how lonely life can get, especially while treking. That's the beauty of it though, through experiencing the hospitality, culture and mindsets of others the feeling of "loneliness" and "meaningless life" starts to fade away and be replaced with a love for humanity. Don't get me wrong (you've been places too, so I'm assuming you've seen all the shit too) there's just as much if not more situations you run across where you wish you could help or that others would realize how some people are being treated or living. That's why traveling with less is always a better way to truly experience the local life, if you stay in hotels etc... good luck getting the full experience. Anyways, I've learnt a lot in my days of treking and one of those things is that life although at times very cruel and seemingly unbearable is in contrast a very wonderful place full of many great people that legitimately care about life, perhaps you just need to surround yourself with people who are legit and really CARE about all life.
the only way to feel like your life has meaning is to make it meaningful TO YOU. it's not selfish to want your life to be meaningful to yourself. other people can't give your life meaning, the things you do can't give your life meaning. only you can. i've been down that road most of my life, and i finally got to the point where i know i want something different for myself. and i started getting happier. when i started thinking about what makes my life meaningful to me. everyone may say having a good home and family who loves you and your health and wealth and all the "good things in life" should make you feel happy. but none of that really matters. it's all in your perception and perspective of yourself. who are YOU? not what do you do or what do you look like, or where do you live, but who ARE you? looking inside yourself and choosing not to escape from your life but to face yourself is one of the most difficult and often most painful things you can ever do. but it's also the only way to really become happy. it's a hard journey, one that has no end. but it's well worth it, from my experience. best of luck to you in discovering yourself... :cheers2:
I like your post, treehugger. But I think self-discovery is not the same as trying to know yourself in analytical ways.
Right....I often have a hard time when trying to distinguish between good and bad, even when all logic points to a specific event as being in some way "good" as we know it or "bad" for that matter. Take for example someone raping another person, how could that be labeled bad? (SARCASM) Well it certainly isn't good (at least I'd hope nobody would think so), but what makes it bad? The fact that it simply isn't good? No, but the undeniable fact that it is wrong, disgusting, horrible,fucked up or whatever other negative connotation you want to label it for the sake of communication makes it so (bad). Clearly "good" and "bad" things are present in our world, wither we create them (most we do) or not. I could see how one would say, "good" and "bad" are simply representative of something much more than the word is actually capable of representing, therefore there is nothing truly "good" nor "bad". But I doubt that's why you claim to not believe in "good" or "bad". These are just my thoughts though, and really I don't think you're doing a single bit of harm by holding your belief (at least whatever harm you are doing (if you're even doing it) isn't visible to me at this time), so I respect it and to be honest have absolutely no problem with that point of view.
One must first recognize a disease in order to further diagnose it. Same goes for anything that is "bad" in the world. We must first be able to identify it as something that could be changed for the better, benefiting not just ourselves but others as well.
