Thinking of going back....but I have so much emotional baggage

So, three years ago I was just starting my second year of nursing school (4 year BSN program) when I suddenly had acute liver failure for still-unknown reasons. I ended up having a transplant and when I got back to school the next semester, I decided I was sick of medicine and hospitals and decided to major in international studies (much easier and less stressful). But truthfully, I was desperate for an excuse to drop out long before that. I loved the prereqs, but the clinical stuff drained me.

So now, I recently graduated with a BA, and I've moved to key west and started working full time as a medical records specialist at a hospice. I don't have any direct patient contact, but the office is shared with nurses and I'm surrounded with medical terminology and the culture of it again....and even though I haven't even been working there a week, I LOVE it, and I'm jealous of the nurses when they leave to go see patients. In addition, I'll soon be starting volunteer work at the hospital, just to test the waters even more.

But here's the catch....I've wanted to be a doctor since I was 5. I lost interest a little bit, naturally, in high school, but then I got into nursing again, so I've pretty much always had a strong interest in medicine. I know I don't want to be a doctor, because I want to care for people, not be an egotistical ass/tool.

Anyway, every time I so much has THINK about going back to nursing school (there's a good program at the local community college that's only 2 years) I immediately start crying. Thing is, I don't know if I'm getting all emotional because of my transplant, or because I came so close and dropped out and now I feel like a failure. I was in therapy for a few months because of the whole transplant thing, and I feel a lot better about it. Still though, I'm terrified of burning out again, because my chronic problem is that I empathize WAY too much. Especially now, since I've been there. But I can't help but think that I have all this emotion around it, and I have such a long-term interest in it, because it's my "calling" or whatever.

I'm fine with my job now, and I made myself say no to school for at least a year, because I need a break. But I don't know what to do....should I even try? I don't want to sign up for classes full time, quit my job (which I'd have to do) only to have another nervous breakdown and be without money and unemployed.

BAH!!!

-Kate

PS, I love how all my posts end up being 5 pages long...

 

seems like a personal choice you're going to have to make

if you can't tell which is making you upset, then how can anyone here? (except maybe for a few psych majors)

however, it seems like you're at least satisfied with what you're doing now

so with that in mind, i guess you can sit on it for a little while until you can come to a direct decision

best of luck though, whichever you shoose

 

I don't know...what does it hurt to put in an application? You can always undecide if it comes to that, but I think you want to go back to school.

 

Baggage? Girl, I'm pushing 50 and am just about ready to start an MSN program for my RN. I worked as a typist, word processor, administrative assistant, travel agent, cashier, bill collector, and wig permer (I don't even think there's a word for what I did when I did that!). Anyway, becoming a nurse wasn't a childhood passion. In fact, it was looked down upon where I come from... even more so for men. But, I started out as a CNA and worked in a local hospital. All the while I was taking the pre-reqs which I--by the way--HATED. After 2 years of that I was accepted into a practical/vocational nursing program. Did that and sat for the boards... passed it the first time 'round.
Now I'm working in a clinic and looking for higher ed to get higher pay. California is a wonderful place for education and I feel truly blessed that Mr Bush hasn't totally screwed it up for everyone here.
All I can say is if you don't try it now you'll be kicking yourself later on with the : "Oh, had I only finished in my twenties I wouldn't be whining in my forties."
YOU GO GIRL !