The loss of meaning, dream and reality

Blah, i'm not hear to whine, i was just wondering if someone knows this feeling.

As a child i have had.. a serie of unhappy events, i had been in a in a.. don't know how to call it, this institute where they put socalled problem childs.. yes, i've been in one of those for 2 years, when i was still 14, i'm not a bad person in nature, but unfortunate events had it come that far.. i had heavy depressions.. wich would express themselves in the form of non-caring and voilence. It was far from a happy place, that institute, i've tried to get out of there several times, but ended up finding out that i had no other place to go...

But that doesn't matters, at the age of 16 when i was back home and going to school fulltime.. i wasn't like a normal child anymore, i lived in this hard reality, i didn't lived in this dream in wich most people live, my dreams and the real world where torn apart and became 2 different places.
The real world was to harsh, to much pain, to dark, little light, i started experimenting with drugs, at first it was pot, later on xtc, speed, ether, shrooms.. and that kind of bogus. It only contributed in my awareness of the real world, while my dreamworld became a brighter place wich constantly calls me.. that place free of worries, free of pain..

Perfection, beauty, happyness.. these are all part of our dream world, personal strives.. i cannot find any of those in reality, but a dark place.
THis dark place, has lost every value.. i keep on living yes, i can still find happyniss in this dream world of mine, or in books, music, computer games, these are all alternate realities wich are more pleasant then the real world, but coming to that, the real world is a meaningless place, where most people walk in their own dreams/reality, not even aware of what is happen for real, their perception is blinded by their dreams.

For me, the real world is becoming a abstract place, i'm loosing touch with it.. i feel like, i'm being pulled away from it, maybe it's the eternal dream of death wich is calling me.. blah.. i have no idea how i can shape meaning into my life again, i could life for that wich is unreal, but in the end i'll just loose myself in it. So there my problem, anyone who knows this feeling, or has any suggestion on how to deal with it?

 

Bah, nvm about this post, i'm just in one of those vague moods again..

 

just know that your soul, the eternal internal self, is always in that perfect ever-blissful place even if you lose complete touch with it
Although disillusionment is typically for the purpose to get back in touch with it

all energy on earth automatically grows, by it's nature, despite any dream or perception built on top of it, underneath it still wants to do nothing other than grow and prosper, and it will always automatically do this completely out of your will. There really isn't anything to worry about, just keep your mind where you personally want it to be and let the universe do it's thing.

 

Yea, i know that.. but you know.. i'm 18 atm.. i was doing my last year highschool a few months ago, and i got kicked out of school just a month before the final exams.. i'm planning on going infront of a exam commision in 2 months, but i've to study everything we had in the last 2 years of highschool in just 2 months.. i don't know.. if i fail for this exam commision.. i don't know.. my parents are already saying that's it's just all lost effort, and that i should take a job, but what job can a man without a highschool diploma get, work in a factory? That's not the life i had for eyes.. my life is just becoming this one big failure..
Most of all i would just like to go away from society, life somewhere on my own. but i know, that this is impossible as it stands now. I've always wanted to become a writer, write poems, or whatever.. i enjoy it.. but writing poems is like, escaping to my own reality, whenever i write poems i get in these vague moods where reality becomes a even vaguer and darker place.. blah.. everything is just messed up... but i'm probably whining to much, as there are people who have it far worse..
I guess, i just need to keep fighting, if in the end, everything fails.. i guess.. there's always one exit i can take.

 

I believe I can relate to the feelings you are having. My life hasn't really contained any upsets in particular that I think caused these feelings, my brain just sort of shifted when I was young (around 8). And since then I've struggled with immense depression, weight gain, strange thoughts, fear of people (sometimes just as a whole).

And yes I also have abstract hopes that seem to contradict my waking reality almost 180 degrees to the point of living in an alternate mind universe. Sometimes I drift off thinking and get very sad when I realize that this is real and not what I was thinking about.

And I'm always so scared and so rushed about 'progress' I should be making toward my dreams that I often screw up any chances I get of achieving them. Sometimes I find my heart racing and my mind goes into just a dead fog and I realize that I'm actually scared of time passing and having nothing to show for it. (I don't think you mentioned this above)

The anger too I can relate to but its usually more internal than you described. It ends up getting directed toward myself or objects that I own. I think I decided that I didn't want to get in anymore trouble when I was young and so I would just break things of my own or hit myself or do something to channel it in a way I could hide. I also try to hide my strange thoughts as people didn't seem to react well to them when I was young.

I've never really been institutionalized or even talked to a doctor about the extent of my symptoms because I was afraid it would mark me. But this sounds a little to deliberate I guess I was scared whenever an opportunity arose to express my feelings and so eventually I put some logic over top of it.

Has anyone given you a specific name for it past depression and anger? A neurotransmitter or receptor that your problems might me related to? I would be very interested in knowing as it would help me to treat my own maladies in as far as they relate to yours. Oh, and if you could explain your feelings and thoughts a little more in depth so we could compare it would also be helpful. Thank you.

 

Hehe, yes.
When i was i kid i would go to this psych, he diagnosed me for alot of things, add, bipolar disorder, autistic spectrum disorder. Especially the ASD has put a awfull mark on me, teachers and other people would treat me like this handicap kid,.. i don't have any social problems, when i was a kid i would often isolate myself from other people.. or being in a crowd often made me feel uncomfortable.. yes to that point.. that could have been asd.. but i don't believe that i have asd, i have no problems in understanding people, i have no social problems when it comes to friends.
I mean.. i probably can measure the mind of another one more easly then most people.. so to that point it's not asd at all, since it's claimed that people with asd have social problems (i.e understanding others..etc).
I've always had many friends.. and they all liked me.. yes yes, they called me on many occasions a "lunatic".. but in a good sense, if you get what i mean.

However, i don't always express my emotions towards the outside.. i supress them.. unlike other people.. but that doesn't means that i don't have those emotions..

Lately i met this woman, she has this theory that many people diagnosed with asd or whatever, are actually multi-dimensional thinking, this means that they get alot more input trough the brain then other people.
I have more faith in that theory then me lacking social skills and being a mental handicap.. and i also find more truth in that theory.
She said that more and more multi-dimensional thinking people are being born every day, those people have a wider range of perception.. hard to explain.. but for me, i remember alot of visuals, smells, textures, and those kind of things, and sometimes a certain moment gets recalled and it's like being pulled back to the moment itself, like replaying a video tape.. if you get what i mean.
I sometimes feel like a madman, my head is always rushing like a insane, sometimes there is so much input and stress that this results in aggresion.. when i was young this agression would be.. aggresion towards my little brother (he was a really noisy and egocentric kid back then).. but i regret that.. later on it would be destroying objects.. yeap... i broke a whole lot of things.. and when i got it in this institution.. destroying objects was not a option anymore.. so i started.. cutting myself..

I found ways to keep the input in my brain to a minimun, being lazy is one of those... and isolating myself, but the being lazy part is one of the things that got me kicked out of school.. i would often sleep in lessons and stuff, or just walk out the class room if it got to much.

Well, there was this test to see if you are multi-dimensional thinking, this woman once asked me how i see my timeline of the past, with most people it's just a very linear timelime, with events and that kind of things.. but for me it's like.. very chaotic, i don't have this single linear timelime.. but more like multilayered stuff.. like when a normal person would only have the dimension x in his memory, for me it would be like having the dimesions x,y,z .. blah, but sorry for my crappy english if it's hard to understand ^^.

ps: I really have alot of abstract thoughts, maybe it's because a wider range of input is being stored in the memory? i don't know.. but i do know that abstract thoughts are a pain.. and lead to depressions and they sometimes even dissolve my touch with reality.. reality then become this vague place full with abstract things... for me this happens when there is to much input or stress.. it seems more common then..

 

Ultimately, all effort is futile. Achieving goals may result in happiness, but the happiness is only temporary, soon afterwards there will be more goals to strive towards and more effort exerted because the temporary happiness stems from identification with form (such as achievements, and life situation) and form is constantly changing.

The most important thing is not the end result, not the goal, but the current step that you are taking. The current step that is being taken is happening right now as this post is being read.

Remember, you are not separate from life. When we say 'My Life' we think of life as something that can be achieved, something to strive towards. Life is happening right now, in this very moment, you are not separate from it, even the character of 'me' which you identify with arises from this. There can be no improvements made to this current moment, there can be nothing to add to it at all, because everything arises from it.

 

Kaminoishiki, with all due respect I don't think you understand what we are saying. There is a short somewhere in our heads and info gets filtered in to places where it doesn't belong. Imagine having an 8 year old standing next to you all day everyday poking you and asking you questions. Every single second a new question a new direction for you thoughts. There is no mantra you can chant to simply realize the problem away it is a physically present distraction from reality like a seizure or a hiccup. Unfortunately, for Pellinore and I it is in our heads and only we feel it so it tends to get us labeled 'crazy' or looked down upon.

Please don't think that you are the one person who can give us hope and set us straight because we have heard and invented every possible solution that you can imagine. I think that Pellinore has heard many more than me since she's be on the 'inside.' But I have been in cults and talked to pastors and psychologists and even strangers who accidentally gave me hope. So please don't think that with less than 100 words in some forum that you can 'save' us as this can be very insulting.

Now, as for the abstract thoughts. Might I suggest you try 'binaural beats' as they have been shown to activate or deactivate certain brain functions. I'm in the process of learning to meditate as this is suppose to afford you incredible control over your own feelings but it takes a while to learn. So I make due with BB's for now.

They can be found at www.i-dose.us and I would recommend 'Inspriation & Creativity' and 'Healing & Meditation.' You just download them for free and play them on an ipod or mp3 player while your relaxed; you may have to close your eyes the first couple of times. Then you just wait for about 15 minutes or so.

The theory behind them is that one ear hears one tone and the other hears a very similar but just slightly higher tone. Somehow this confuses your brain and jumbles some of the input it receives. It has also been shown to alter brain chemistry if used daily. I find that if I start the day by shuting everything out and listening to it for an hour that I'm considerably more 'with it' for the rest of the day. They don't solve the problem but they help it a little and just the thought of being in control to some degree helps with the depression.

Oh, and you'll need to convert them to mp3 format. Simply open up notepad and then open the file you've downloaded from the site. It will contain nothing more than a URL. Copy and paste that into a web browser and then click the stop button once you can see the play button and the little bar that shows how far into the song you are. Now go to file then save page as. Now you're actually saving an mp3 which is compatable with your ipod or mp3 player.

Can you imagine how enraged I was when someone told me that this would help but I couldn't listen to it because of stupid compatability issues!? Oh, you can't use normal speakers because you have to hear only one tone in one ear and one tone in the other. So headphones are the way to go. Well, good luck and hope this helps you with your abstract thoughts. Just listen to it when you feel 'detached' and then go and do something (cook, internet, read) while you're listening. It's just static so it doesn't require any attention. Remember not to expect too much from them. They simply quiet your mind a little so don't be disappointed when they don't magically fix all your woes.

Could you possibly give me the name of the disorder or a website where this multi-dimensional person has some info posted. I agree that my thoughts feel 'fuller' than most people's and I have a knack for understanding their feelings. Despite all my dillemas I've successfully been a youth director and a consellor in several different programs. I seem to just see through people in a way that most can't. I didn't even realize this was unique until just a few years ago.

I've found a couple other little remedies if you're interested.

 

He was only helping.

And to be honest, you should sincerely reconsider his words.

 

That's very true, the path to your goal is more important then to goal itself, but my path is always a choatic one, a path that's doesn't always lead to my goal, and more often just goes back to my starting point.
Finding spiritual balance, i've tried that, but there's to much chaos, just way to hard to control it and forge it into balance.

The she is a he btw, but i've seen more people getting confused by my nickname , hehe^

But you're right, i do think, it's how our brain is, not our lifestyle, i've always have this constant feeling that i'm balancing on the edge of madness, the stream of informations is sometimes hard to keep undercontrol, or trying to prevent a overload.
But maybe it's the next step in evolution of the human brain? Maybe we do get more input, but maybe our brains arn't strong enough to handle the stream of that input? just guessing.
I'll try out the 'binaural beats' thingy, from my own experience music can help, like putting up some psytrance with a heavy beat hehe, it gets my brain in a more neutral state.

About the multi-dimensional thinking, i'll ask here if she knows any resources about it (i met her irl)..
ps: multi-dimensional thinking isn't a disorder, atleast how she speaks of it, but more the next step in evolution, as more and more children are born with this.

 

Oh, yes I didn't mean to call multi-dimensional thinking something it wasn't but for me (if it is what I have) it is certainly spreading disorder. Rather than having a life about progress and creating I'm always in the process of trying to gain that first bit of functionality. I can't even begin to live. So at the moment it would seem that whatever it is I have (and also whatever it is that you have by the sound of it) are both disorders of a sort. Even if its only that they are good things that the human mind is not ready for.

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit hard earlier. I did not mean to offend. Looking back at the response from Kaminoishiki there is room to take it as simple advice. If that was the way it was meant then I am sorry about the tone I took with you. But yes, I am aware of the duality of intent as well as the possible 'oneness' of human consciousness. While they are interesting and they have changed my outlook on life a bit they do not change the fact that something is physically wrong with the way I think. Thank you for the advice.

Pellinore, you're right I did assume you where female. I don't know why Pellinore seems feminine but it did to me. Now that I think about it I suppose it could be masculine too. Sorry, man.

 

Yeap, but i guess.. trying to be functional is all relative, in our own way we are who we are, the shit is that other people want us to change, like at school.. yeap.. i pissed off alot of teachers.. and had alot of trouble functioning like others.. but i guess, i was just being as i was, and that's the most important for me, being myself. Yes, it's a pain, i get in these vagues moods alot, where i almost completly loose touch with reality.. but i guess, there's nothing wrong with it, only hard to function in this society where there is little acceptance.. and that just adds to feeling shit sometimes.. and i mean, having alot of abstract thoughts, they sometimes make me disgusted of myself, but in a sense they are also pretty cewl... how wicked they sometimes are.

 

Yes, I fully agree. We live in a Post-industrial society that hasn't yet forgotten its roots. Everyone is what they are capable of and what they are supposed to be capable of. If you cannot fulfill the role given to you then society is not willing to take the time to find a use for you. Generally, you are picked on (by adults more often than not) demeaned and eventually tossed away where they don't have to look at you. You wouldn't want them to feel bad would you?

But given that I live in the country I do, during the age that I do I have to do what I can to attempt to exist. I learned very early that no one would come to save me. And if you told people that you felt as though you needed saving then they would take even that from you too. Eventually they would laugh at your dilemma.

But wrong or right I believe that each of us has to be judged by his or her environment. You say that you think the way some of our minds work is an evolutionary improvement even if it isn't functional. Well, evolutionarily it needs to react and become functional or it will never take hold. If I cannot take my mind and grow something out of it then I cannot be an improvement on anything.

But functional could be anything. If it makes one happy to move to a desert island and start over then they should do it. Perhaps someday 50 or so years down the road that person's journals will be found and all sorts of people will read them and take things from them. This is what I'm striving for, not to be a part of the crowd but, given that the crowd exists, I must learn to exist alongside it even if I have to distance myself somewhat.

Sorry that ran on for so long but I've never really been able to write it out so well. All that was intended for me and may be totally irrelevant to you (ie. not a lecture).

 

My advice for you is to write, compose, create. Fuck reality and make your own. If it's good enough, people will want to visit and the admission you'll charge will be the cost of your book, or whatever it is you sell in the end.

Yes, you'll be contributing to capitalism, but don't worry about that. That's just how it's done, and at least you'll be happy doing what you want.

If you believe in God, or a higher power that constructs this reality then things are the way they are for a reason, and that includes capitalism and all the evils resulting. You can't do much without personal power, and the only way you'll get power is to play this awful game.

But doing what you want and selling your contribution is a whole lot better than the alternative: being some company's bitch.

 

STW, yes I agree. I have an aweful lot of trouble just doing blind work for people who don't give a shit about me. Each year or so I find a new job because I just can't take the dull dry sameness. Personally, I don't know how 'normal' people can stand it.

 

Yeap Yeap, robot society my friend, one of the reason why i want to get out of it, even tho i'm yet 18, i have seen enough about society ^^.

 

Half of me is functional and half of me is creative. First the creative half looks at society and is nausiated by the mess we've gotten ourselves into. Then the functional half argues that maybe if society didn't work the way ours does that it wouldn't work very well at all and there would be war and famine and such. Then, somewhat convinced, my creative half wonders why there isn't a magical place that I can move to to get away from all of this bullshit and, after several minutes of day-dreaming, decides that India may be such a place. But then my functional half, having nodded off as he generally does in response to my creative half's rantings, reminds him of all the bad things that go on in India and we all realize together that its just a different place with different struggles and I'd probably be unhappy there too.

...usually it is around this point that my nose begins to bleed.

 

Yea man, i know exactly what you mean, like having this idea, and you are like, spacing out for a while thinking about this idea and working it out in detail.. and then all of the sudden you realise that this idea won't ever work.. hehe

Btw, i guess, you can't go away from society, society is always there unless you live on your own. And untill the mainstream has grown wiser, society will always be as crappy as it is now, i guess we can only try to make the best of it.. but yea, it's shit.. i know for myself, that i won't ever by able to live in society as other people do..