"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I dont know how to drive.

 

crackheads stole my front door.

 

I am afraid Steve Urkle is stalking me.

 

I'm hacking the company's accounting software and giving myself a raise.

 

I’m trying to visualize world peace.

 

I’m trying to visualize whirled peas.

 

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet..

 

...because the dog couldn't recognize me anymore and bit me.

 

I'm reprogramming the electronic polling machines to count every vote as a vote for robin williams in the upcoming election.

 

currently at work, Fake a illness. Or stab yourself with scissors, shoot yourself in the eye with a staple gun.. Inhale white out and pass out on the floor < wake up before the ugly bitch in human resources gives you cpr..

 

accidently chopped off my fangers, can't call in.....

 

Shane came back.

 

My head is stuck in the toilet seat again.

 

I cannot work.

 

I just got a no2 tank, and I am gonna be fishing.

 

My shave turned out funky

 

There are penguins chasing me around the kitchen.

 

Fell in the hog trough, might have to take the monthly bath a little early....

 

I am hiding in your daughter's closet.

 

The radio is playing our song.