The man with the razor sharp penis drove until the road blurred and headlights exploded from the night, raced the streetlights to the edge of the wilderness demanding some kind of guilt-free epiphany from the slithering goodness of the road so he drove it cold hard and ugly, cut curves missionary style, wanted more than answers from those hidden intersections of bone and metal and he smiled and he saw that it was alright. The man with the razor sharp penis found a bottle in the glove box and a bible beneath the seat and drank whiskey chanting Daniel, making psalms of dirty limericks -- there once was a man from Enoch -- first poor bastard caught red-handed blind and hairy-palmed, and he gave alms to the cost of a Vietnamese apple, and he saw prophets fresh from the wilderness at roadside fruit stands. And he saw that it was alright. The man with the razor sharp penis picked up Jesus at some gas station wearing a bush jacket and a John Deere cap, stubble on his chin, said his name was Toby. They drove into the night with a full tank passing a bottle half full, taking turns with the bible, when Jesus offered slick parables to his razor sharp penis for only 40, wouldn't turn the other cheek anymore, cut his mouth up pretty badly got paid and he smiled bloody, and he saw the sun rising behind him and he saw that it was alright. The man with the razor sharp penis tested the boundaries of airbags with school buses and semis, this wasn't the time for fallen sons or saviours, blow jobs or razor sharp penises, god or heaven or blessed airbags it was the time to move and go and gone into the pavement and fuck the demands placed on the Earth by the motion, unable to slow down breathe stop smiling or die and the man with the razor sharp penis raised his eyes from the whiteline of the horizon and he looked and he saw that it was alright, the sun in the sky whiskey on his breath the world turned a green smudge by the weight of his foot and the man with the razor sharp penis saw the mobius of the road and he smiled and he saw the whiteline of the horizon racing away before him knew the road would never let him catch it. And he looked and he smiled and he saw that it was alright.
i dig this entirely excluded from entirety, however: line integrity/end words; a little movin' up, a little movin' down, easy fixin' also, to me, it seemed to end perfectly right there the, "he saw that it was alright", goes along with the rule of three, even though it's embedded in the last stanza so that the last 2 stanzas ending on different phrases, especially each of those lines in particular "god or heaven or blessed airbags" and "by the weight of his foot." the word "weight" anchors it, i think that's also why it works well to end there, imo so, yep, i dig this entirely
Thanks man. Point taken. I can see what you're saying. I really want to keep the idea of never being able to catch the end of the road, as well as the idea of the road being a mobius strip. any suggestions?
just recycle some of the last stanza you have and work it in the stanza above it and tweak the rest, pull it like a drawstring
