I don't know why I came here, I guess because I really have no other outlet. I don't come to these forums very often. Anyway, I was thinking last night about my dad. He and I don't get a long. I only see him once a year and talk to him maybe 4 times a year. He called me and said that he wants to come and visit. 6 months ago he was rushed to the hospital because he had pancreatitis. The doctor told him to quit drinking. He's an alcoholic, so that lasted about 2 weeks. Anyway, I was thinking last night and whenever I think of my dad I really think about suicide. And I was remembering how many times in my life when my dad was the one who drove me to trying to kill myself. Please don't misunderstand I am not suicidal, but there have been times when I was seriously at the end of my rope and wanting to end it all. I'm not like that now, but I am coming to the realization that a lot of the pain I felt; still feel at times, is because of my dad. Tough love is what he called it. I think that was a cover up for being an abusive dickhead. The thing that bothers me most about everything though is that he really believes that what he did (in how he raised me) was the right way to do it. He sees nothing wrong with it. And my success only makes it seem more apparent to him that he did a good job raising me. But I attribute my success to proving him wrong and clawing my way out of that situation. I give credit to what I have become to myself and my boyfriend and my friends who have faith in me. To my sister who believed in me and told me that it wasn't my fault. Anyway, I really don't have a point, I just wanted to get this out. I really don't know why the fuck he wants to come visit. Hopefully he is dying. I have always wanted to tell him how I feel, I am just always afraid. I don't hate him anymore, but I really just wish there was a way that I could express to him that what he did was wrong and that he really fucked me up. Unfortunately, I also don't want to hurt his feelings. I know I'm such a glutton for punishment.
wow i think youre being way too nice if your father was truly abusive you shouldnt feel obligated to be nice to him or even see him if you dont want to thats really cool that you have gotten over it but thats not something you should forget and yea it sounds like youre really strong and thats really cool
Well put, laurenq. Don't ever forget what he did to you. You made it. You reached your high, even with all the memories. Maybe he hurt you...but you were strong enough to get back on your feet and say, "Im still standing". But he already had his back turned with satisfaction and didn't hear you say it. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you feel like he doesnt deserve to see you, then tell him no. You have the chance to stand up, are you going to put your foot down?
