My friends all say I'm shallow I was told I'd have a shallow grave Never told the girl I loved that I loved her, and she slowly slipped away Now her heart belongs to another Brave hearts beating as lovers dance Lost love, unprovoked I'd fight for One last chance He walked that lonesome road Looked death in the face And then he decided There was a story to be told Of a boy who said he had Only witnessed true love from a glance Didn't want to believe his grave future Only ends in tragic romance. Love to be loved If I could only love myself All I see is your picture Haunting my shelf. Shattered that damn memory Long ago Damned because I didn't Damned if I won't My friends say that I'm shallow All I looked for was your love Cobwebs hang as the time rolls on And love is forgone Manic mayhem of tender flames collide Don't you wish that you could fly Away from this void of darkness And have the light glisten from her eye Well, no not me I won't give up without a fight. And that shallow grave won't seem so As the rain washes up upon my frame Washes away apathetic indifference Allows for spirted joy to begin again Please wash away this sadness Along with these drowning frail voices My apparent sins are burned alive Infernos burn inside from those choices Charred heart from the fire And yet its scattered across the floor Glass hope has been shattered And my way out was that memory from before My friends all say I'm shallow It is best of for me that way I would rather sleep in discontent Than hope for tomorrow to come today.
Hey there: you've got some nice words there man. I like the way you've taken the 'My friends all say i'm shallow' line and threw it out in the headlights by repeating the line and using it in the title, but the body of the piece shows exactly the opposite: you're not shallow at all. I think that comes thru quite nicely. There are a few spots in there though where you lose your meter. It's okay to make time signature changes in a poem, but if it has a rhythm, that rhythm and any changes need to have some consistency or predictability, know what I mean? Although I don't right in rhyme, I do have a certain rhythm, and I find it helpful to read the piece aloud several times after it is finished. It really helps with editing, but it also helps with consistency. Cheers, mate
I think that is very good advice about reading work aloud. I always do it. My work and other poems I like that catch my eye. Nick, I think it shows in your work that you do practice what you preach because all of your poems have such wonderful rhythm.
