Real problem with wife

This is my first ever post but I felt I had to. Things are just terrible in terms of sex right now. I don't know what to do and I finally decided to confess some things and see what everyone thinks. I'm a very sexual person. I read these forums a lot and I really enjoy them. Anyway, I've been married for almost 10 years and I've been with my wife for 15. We're in our early 30's. I've never been able to satisfy my sexual appetite. I've masterbated after having sex many times. I masterbate at work sometimes. My wife doesn't really like to experiment that much. I love anal, we've done it a few times but we haven't done it in over a year. Literally, in 15 years, we've done anal less than 20 times. Now she says it hurts. She gives me a BJ here and there, probably works out to 10 or 12 a year. Yes, I said 10-12 BJ's per year! And it gets less and less each year. She never blew me that much anyway, when it was the most it was probably 2 a week at the most. Her sexual desires have fizzled out and it gets worse with each passing year. We have kids and a home. Here's the terrible part. I've become such a horrible human being...I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I've never told anyone this, but my sexual appetite gets more and more out of control, that I've started to go outside of my home for sex. I've gone out with one girl a few times in the past 2 years and had sex with her. She allowed me to do the things I wanted, nothing really even that kinky, anal, oral, and multiple sessions on one night. That's over now, though. I actually stopped it because I felt terrible about it. I've gone out and paid for it countless times. I would never do these things, I know I wouldn't, if I was getting enough at home. She denies me everyday, we're down to less than 10 times a month. We'll go weeks without it sometimes. I can't deal with that anymore! She doesn't see sex as a major part of her life. Sure, occassionally she's horny and all about it and it's fantastic, but that's me all day-every day, she gets like that once in a while. It's so bad that sometimes, just to shut me up, we'll go in the bathrrom for 30 seconds and she'll bend over the sink...I take what I can get, but that really sucks! I really don't know what I'm expecting to get out of this. Hopefully something that will help. The last thing I want to do is lose my wife/home/family. I know I'm a piece of crap, but please...anything you can think of might help. Sorry this is so long!

 

1 bj a month or so aint half bad
and cheating on her is wrong, you know that
for some people sex just isnt that important... but i do think you should communicate with your wife about whats going on with you. couples counselling or talking with a sex therapist if nothing else

 

well, you probably should have talked to her before you went and cheated on her but that's besides the point.. Have you ever discussed your sexual appetite with her besides just a casual convo, I mean really talk to her about it..? I agree with the above maybe some counseling, but talking with your wife deeply about it might help a bit...Wish I had better things to say but that's all I got...

 

I have to agree with the two above. You should have talked to her about your feelings. You Cheating on her, has NOT made the situation any Better now. You tell her what you have done, she will be GONE. Cheaters are loser. No matter. You have a poor excuse for cheating on her. Sex is important in a marriage but you have to Talk and communicate. Cause without that and TRUST. There is NO marriage/relationship. Trust will be gone in your marriage. You need to read the book. The 5 love languages for married couples. It will help you both alot in your marriage. Hope it works out.

 

Like everyone else said, you should have talked to her. Communication is the only way you can make any relationship work and obviously you're lacking that. Sex isn't even the problem anymore, it's the lack of communication.

I reckon if you had told your wife how you feel about sex you guys could have come to some sort of a compromise. I mean, just because she's not horny doesn't mean she can't ever satisfy your needs if that makes sense... but same goes for you too, you have to respect the fact your wife doesn't have equally high sex drive.. sex is an important part of a relationship, and I guess sometimes the differences can be too big to carry a relationship.. I dunno.

But anyhow, I think you blew your chances with your wife when you started going behind her back and cheating on her. Maybe for once start talking, tell your wife what you have done and just be honest and then see if you can fix things.. but by the sounds of it, it's not a happy relationship. It's up to you guys whether you think it's worth saving.

 

Eh, I think this is the first time I will ever say this and I know people will disagree.. I don't think he should tell his wife that he cheated on her..What is done is done, they have kids and yeah, he shouldn't of cheated but he did... But if he tells her what good will that do now? It's not like they have no kids and stuff where they could just go separate ways... What good would it do to tell her, it wouldn't, they have kids to think about and yes yes he shouldn't have done it in the first place but he did and you can't change what happened but you can move forward and I don't think he should tell her, he definitely shouldn't cheat anymore but leave what happened in the past, if they didn't have children then my answer would be different. I dunno, that's just my thoughts on it, I mean maybe he should tell her but I just think it would probably be best if he didn't...

 

I feel really terrible, I haven't done anything in a long while because I've felt so bad and I'm not doing it anymore (cheating) so it's something I will always feel guilty about, i will not be telling her...maybe someday when the kids are grown. Someone said it doesn't sound like a good relationship but that's not it at all. Other than the sex part we are perfect matches and have fun together. We don't ever argue...literally can't remember the last arguement we had. The kids are great, the house is great, I just...I can't really explain it. I feel sometimes that maybe I have a problem in terms of my sex drive. I mean, who the hell will crawl out of bed right after having sex to go jerk off? But last night was what all our typical nights are. I get home from work at 8:00, have dinner, we watch some TV, we have a couple beers, watch something funny. I'll watch a baseball or basketball game or whatever, then we go to bed, I'll make a play, get denied, and then I go masterbate. Same thing every night.

 

Have you ever considered telling her how you really truly honestly feel and talking in-depth about it..?

 

Nah man the problems with you.

 

Every time we talk about sex she seems to get frustrated because she doesn't understand why it's such a big deal because to her it's not. Not the problem i'm having, just sex in general is not important to her.

I agree the problem is with me...I should have re-worded the title of this thread, it's not a problem with my wife, it's my own problem.

 

You need to tell her that you cheated, cause if you paid for sex you could have STD's. Honetly you sound like a child, with the 'I want it and I want it now' attitude. There is a reason she's turning you down, you need to figure out what that it is.

 

well, i did use protection every time, so I would assume STD's are not an issue. And yes, I do act like a child, she says that to me from time to time. She says she has 4 children, me and our 3 kids.

 

I've always acted like this, not just with the sex, all my life, even as a kid. I always got what I wanted and was an only child. We were middle class but I had everything I ever wanted. Now I wish iIdidn't get evryhting I wanted back then because now I still expect everything I want and if there are obstacles in my way, I figure out ways to get it anyway. Even stupid stuff, like a video game, or something. If we don't have the money, I'll get it somehow. And it is a "I want it right now" situation. If I want something and we can't afford it but we will be able to afford it in a few days or a week, or something, that's not good enough. I still get it that day somehow. I figure out a way.

Geez, I never thought I'd be this type of person. It's really getting to me lately.

 

Without knowing either of you closely all i can offer are theories, but let's see what you think.

It's not that she's repelled by sex, she's just not attracted to the way you approach it. For you it's not terribly different than eating or shaving. She doesn't want to be a there to fulfill your need, she wants to enjoy sex.

People do have different degrees of sex drive, but that's not to say that's the way you are naturally. There must be some need you are trying to fill that won't ever be filled by your method of sex. She can fill your needs, sexual and otherwise, if you fulfill her needs.

I'm the one in my marriage that has the weaker sex drive, but i"m incredibly easy to turn on. If you know how to turn her on, you'll get plenty more sex, but most importantly you'll have established a more loving bond by knowing how to turn her on, a bond that will help fill the void in you that you've been trying to fill with animal sex. In general women require more posturing in order to have rapturous sex, but once you tune in to the sexual frequency she desires and it gets in her blood, she will want it more and more. It seems like the less sex men get, the more they want, and the more sex women get, the more they want.

Square one is just focusing on what she needs and the rest falls into place.

edit: as well as focusing on her needs another good thing is not to think about the fact that she doesn't give you enough sex, but focus on the things that you like and love about her. If she sees that you appreciate her positive traits, then she will want to bring more and more good traits into the r'ship, including better sex. peace to you my friend

 

Man I know what you're saying. I have the same thing with my fiance. We're 21 and don't have our own place yet so I totally understand she likes privacy but when we'll have the place to ourselves for a week she still doesn't seem interested.

She's bi and yesterday I had to listen all day about how hot her female music teacher is, how much she likes her, and the fact that she couldn't even concentrate during her lesson because she looked so good. And hey, I have no problem with that, I'm a straight guy so I think it's cool, but then at night she way laying in bed and I asked if I could lay next to her and she shrunk under the covers and shook her head no.

What is going on here? You're not alone.

 

yeah it's all just some unexplained phenomenon, it's nothing you guys are doing or not doing....(sarcasm)

 

Captain 22 - you need to have some couples counseling with your wife and a therapist. She needs to know that you are sexually unsatisfied (you don't have to tell her you were cheating, only that you are in deep need for better quality sex (and quantity).

 

get her pissed and horny.

 

Perhaps she finds you uninteresting sexually because you approach it the wrong way? You can't suggest sex in the same manner as you ask her to hand you the TV remote control. You guys function differently than us. We need to be in the right mood. A lot of things can prevent us from getting into that right mood. Things like feeling pressured or being made to feel inadequate. That is a huge turnoff.

- Does she require a bit of romance to get in the mood?
- Give her the option to be intimate without demanding sex.

Make her a nice bath and offer her a massage without getting sexual. Women need a lot of cuddles closeness and intimacy but a lot of the time it leads to sex because men often connect the two. Try to separate these things and see if you can get her in the mood for sex by not asking for it or initiating it directly, but just being intimate and let HER decide. Complaining will turn her off. Encouraging will turn her on.

 

I was in the same situation after 10 years of marriage, my now EX-wife was totally uninterested. I found out why. She was cheating on me. I never strayed (Not even a little) I was completely faithful and she was running around. It lasted 2 years of her cheating until I found out. I tried to work everything out, but the trust was gone. We divorced after 16 years of marriage. I can never forgive her for shutting me down as a person and stepping out of the marriage to destroy our home.