Problems with "the self" arising from meditation?

I'm not sure if this is related to meditation, so please feel free to ignore me if you find it to be too off topic. I have been having an unsettling experience since I was around eight-years-old (I am eighteen now), and I am uncertain as to whether it is because I am a nutter or whether it is some other form of process, perhaps exacerbated by meditation.

Basically, I come to a point, usually suddenly and without warning, where I feel as if my "self" is about to break away entirely! It is difficult to adequately describe, but has anybody out there had any similar form of experience? I am attempting to ascertain as to whether it may be a result of meditation, which I admittedly do not do a lot of at the moment. It seems to get stronger as I get older, and is a very alarming experience, by which I mean that it makes me feel very alert and awake and present. I manage to "talk" myself out of it by grabbing ahold of any physical objects in my vicinity and thinking about familiar nonsense, but when this feeling comes on it is so strong and physical -- as if everything I am, as if my self, were about to be blown into nothing. It is a fascinating sensation, but also naturally quite terrifying, so I fight it off with wimpish vehemence; I would like to stick with it and see what happens, but I am too instinctually scared! I feel that if I go all the way with it I will be nothing... yet I have no idea what will honestly happen, and that is why I freak out.

Okay, I'm probably just insane! :willy_nilly: But has anyone else had anything even remotely like this after meditating or at any other time? I get it more and more often these days, and it is by far the most intense thing I have ever experienced.

 

The fact that you're 18 may explain a few things.

Hormones are having their way with you. They can fluxuate wildly from hour to hour. You also need to watch for any pattern that may be triggering these little "attacks". Diet, heat, etc. I take it you're also on the verge of getting out on your own soon? That by itself can play mindgames with you.

I'd face it head on and see who plays chicken first.

Fear of something is often more terrifying than the actual something.



x

 

Are you talking about leaving your body? Astral projection? OBE?

 

Xexon, thanks! You're probably right too; the reason it's got worse recently may have a lot to do with what you've said. And WanderingSoul, thank you also for your response, but I don't think it's any of those things; it's not a theoretical thing, but it's not physical either; I'm not leaving my body -- it's more as if I'm leaving my "self", which makes no sense! Thanks again guys for putting up with my silly question.

 

Sounds like you're just meditating to me.... but I don't really know. Good luck.

 

You're not insane and you're not going crazy. What you've sensed during meditation is the "little self" and the disengagement from it, which in some ways feels like death. The reason why it may seem so alarming is that we have been so completely identified with this little self, which is also known as the ego. The sense of alarm actually comes from the ego itself, which feels like it's dying because WE are recognizing the difference between "it" and "us" and without our absolute identification with it, the ego does begin to disappear...blown into nothing as you put it.... because it really IS nothing.

That desire you experience, to hold touch physical things to feel more grounded, is the ego desperately grasping for anything of form (in this case physical objects) because the ego itself is FORM IDENTITY and it's constantly trying to replenish itself. It can also try to regain your attention (and unconscious identification) by engaging you with thoughts or emotions, which are also forms of various sorts.

Don't be afraid. Nothing is wrong. In fact, I'd say this is the most "right" it can be. You're discovering what's on the other side of the ego, which is your essential self. Resist nothing... simply observe the process.

 

Thank you so much bluesafire; I find your response really fascinating, because I had often thought similar things myself, as that is just what it is like; yet my fear of it has always got in the way. Your reply has helped me a lot, particularly the part about simply observing the process; I can resonate a lot with that, and I hope that I can do it, although I know that trying to do it with any effort kind of defeats the purpose! But I have taken into account everything you've said and I thank you very sincerely much!

 

You're very welcome, Vulpes. I'm glad it was helpful. One thing that came to me in reading your last response was to share the process as I experienced it for myself, in case it may be helpful for you as well. When you first begin to observe the mind, with its fear and need, etc., it can easily feel like simply observing it isn't enough. There can arise this strong desire to DO SOMETHING, to exercise more influence over the process. But again, that is the ego. The ego is VERY clever and will always try to sneak in the back door, so to speak, and grab your attention.

Simply observing, initially, really doesn't feel like anything much is happening or progressing. It may feel like it's not making any difference whatsoever. But trust me, it really does. The awareness that arises through observation expands greatly, sometimes in a way that's unrecognizable. Because the mind tries to evaluate how much awareness is there... and it really can't, that's why it may not notice it.

So if you just stay the course and continue to observe, it will become easier and easier and suddenly you'll recognize the awareness within you as you never have before.

 

You shouldn't be scared. That is simply freedom trying to take over. Mental and spiritual freedom should be the last thing you want to stop. I used to have those same feelings all my life amd they got even stronger in the weeks and days before the moment i became enlightened. It was like a perpetuated adrenaline rush when iwas doing nothing , i would be anxious but i wouldn't know what for. Then it happened. It can only be a sign of good things to come for you. Don't be scared. Fear is simply another human concept.

 

Could you describe the moment you became enlightened?

 

Ever took extacy ? It was reminiscent of teh feeling that creeps down your back when it first takes effect. Not exactly like it but comparable. But it was more subtle and refreshing. But that was the physical aspect. For me it was a mental thing (as I imagine it would be with anyone) . It's like an instant transformation. (but trust me , extacy has nothing on true freedom of teh mind)

Imagine all the questions you have ever asked yourself through introspection and "extro"spection being answered all at one time. Like some sort of panacea .But not being answered at all. Sorry if this is sounding like some religious babble , but it has nothing to do with religion. That was the part where i truly understood the concept of "walking the middle path" . Where i realized that everything must-and will- even out. For every mountain , there is a valley.

I was just sitting in my room , completely sober , watching my girlfriend sleep , then it happened. I was just in awe of teh fact that I exist , that i was the beneficiary of such an aleatory event. And that's what started the perpetuated state of bliss. I no longer know of stress or hate or jealousy.

Imagine going from being completely egocentric to being completely aware (or at least as much as u human can be) in less than a split second. Imagine going from a musty old attic to a tropical sea breeze on the coast (of your choice) in less than an instant.

I realize now that we are all souls moving through "time". And by we I mean every living thing, from cats and dogs to trees and roses. Some souls occupy bark and roots, some occupy fur and claws, some scales, and some in human skin. These different forms are simply vessels that move our souls, our essence of being, through this stage of existence. Everything is just trivial from the clothes we wear to the bones that support out body. Energy can never be destroyed-only the flesh. So why fear "death"? why fear a human concept that doesn’t actually exist?

I realized that EVERYTHING is connected on a higher level. The calcium and zinc and iron (and other elements) that make up our blood and DNA is the same calcium zinc and iron that make up nebulas and other stars and every other thing in the universe(s) (known to us) that takes up space. Simply arranged in different ways from object to object (including humans). From the largest galaxy to the smallest most microscopic piece of cosmic medium or photon packet of light-everything is made of the same elements, even us.

Skin color is meaningless. The flesh is simply a vessel for our souls to move through this stage of existence. I realized that there is something bigger than America, or earth, or love and hate, or accomplishments, or monetary status and who can accumulate the most material before "death" and the transition to another form as our souls slowly advance through the final levels of this physical plane of existence.

For all that is known every moment is infinite, and there is no difference. The interconnection of meaning often stops me to the point of gasping. There never was a time when I was not. And there will never be a time when I will not be. Don’t you get it ? We never (as individuals) didn’t exist and we will never cease to exist. We will temporarily cease to exist IN HUMAN FORM but our energy and our souls and the elements that make the matter we are composed will go on for eternity. Even the basic laws of physics state that energy can never be destroyed , it can only change form.

Can’t really explain it. I don’t know what stress or depression is anymore. this gift of enlightenment is TRULY priceless. It can’t be given - only received. In time, you will understand.

It feels like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I was in a sauna and I stepped out into 40 degree weather and dunked my head in ice water. I feel refreshed. I truly understand. Everyone should try to achieve this moment . It’s a feeling for which no spoken description can suffice. You have to feel it for yourself. You can’t TRULY understand what I’m saying until you experience that feeling for yourself. It’s amazing. And yes-its better than sex- because it truly is a once in a lifetime event .

Hope that helped.

 

Learning to let go is a part of life. one that everybody learns one way or the other, and usually the other. If someone, anyone experiences the sense of letting go spontaneously then that is a really fine moment and the essence of freedom and the essence of mind and life. Next time you find your esteemed thinking mode slipping cogs and letting go then without holding onto anything physical and mental ask this question and see what comes as the answer - what has let go? What is gone, what went from where to where?

I am sure you'll come to find that rather than going somewhere, what has happened is that the thoughts which ones mind normally streams on, essentially always going somewhere, have stopped for a moment and one is now here. So then, just feel the moment.

You'll find the basic goodness of all of existence right in the moment as a free sense of freshness as radiating sentience.

Existence contains intelligence shining right through.

That natural state might eat you up,

if you're lucky.

 

I remember once I had a glimpse of enlightenment. I remember feeling like I stepped back into my head and had this powerful aura around me. I also remember not desiring anything. It was very strange. I just didn't desire anything. I also remember being able to literally watch my thoughts from a distance. It's hard to describe if you haven't experienced it, but it's totally different from a normal meditation technique of just observering your thoughts. You are totally detached from your thoughts. Is this what you experience on a daily basis?

 

Exactly. It's like pure bliss that can't be described.

 

So, what are you doing with this consciousness? The world needs more enlightened people in it.