when is the last time im happy? i dont remember after discovering who i am, i can no longer be happy as i always was no matter how i deny it, i am still who i am such pathetic creature such dreaded life sigh i am physically weak im not fond of sports i am not even very smart to make up for it people call me talented, but i cant even match their song, neither i have any singing competition people call me handsome, when nobody is attracted to me why? why am i born? i give no shape to the world, and yet i was born. what is the purpose of my living? i HATE being gay do you how much pain i have in my heart? do you even know how it feels like to be gay? to be dreaded, disliked, outcasted, single and never get married how i want to get married and have many kids, to start a new family but no! instead our 'BEAUTIFUL' god makes me a gay for what? to test me? to challenge me? for what? everytime i look at a couple embracing, kissing and hugging... how jealous i am all the time my friends talk about girls, how cute they are, how they wanna date em.. i wish i can do that i have tried dating girls didnt work for me 4 girls none work why? why? why? why am i given such life such... scary life do u know what will happen when the world knows about it? everybody will hate me they will say "omg thats the gay guy. im not gonna go near him. i dun wanna be touched by him" what kind of life am i living? im definitely not living it im unhappy i cant even tell my family about it because of their traditional belief what will they do? cry, scold me, disown me? im already in midlife crisis what more can be worse than that? do u know how painful it is to wear a mask of "straightness" everywhere you go? its painful, how i need to act straight in front of my friends i cant tell them anything why? because they are dont like gay people i want to tell everyone of my situation but if i do, i will probably lose all my friends i have made how do i live this life? tell me
A lot of people here have dealt with the same things you posted. Sounds like you're at point where you've realized all the shitty parts of your life and haven't found the fun of it yet. You're right about about it in a lot of ways. There are haters and bible beaters and zenophobes BUT there are a lot of people who are good with gay. You haven't found this yet, you may be stuck in a part of the country that is real tight assed. So it comes down to this. It's the life you got, if it isn't working where you're at start looking for other places. You're really the one who gets to define how your life works and what it feels like. There are people who would make all of us who are Gay feel like victims. Fuck 'em, they don't get to run your life, you do. Talk to people here, read the posts. Design your life to make it work, not to be the victim of some jerks attitude.
just thought i would share what i have seen.. many people that have to be so ANTI-gay , need to look in the mirror, as to what has them so full of fear,,, my ex was making fun of my friends and themany walks of life i have in my life, in front of my (our 10 year old daughter ) she was ten then. oh, and he is a church goer. they just left church . any way he was making fun of me, my daughter said... "dad, god doesnt make mistakes" he didnt say anything.. when my daughter shared this with me, i knew then that i had done something right...be proud of the person you are.... when people get me down or say/do stupid things, i have a saying.... too bad ignorance isnt painful...)
Again, Yarapario says pretty much what I woulda said. Especially the part about leaving a place where everyone despises gays. I was going to live in Mississippi where my family is from. It didn't take long for me to realize that my redneck family and neighbors were not the most conducive to my personal growth so it was off to New Orleans. I now live in Miami Beach and in almost any city will be found acceptance of gays. Even in bacward, bible thumping places like rural Florida you can find little pockets of acceptance in most university towns. I lived in Gainesville for 5 years and not only was there a community of gays around the university but you could actually fight with the local bigots and it was actually fun marching and chanting in their faces. As for those 'Friends" you fear losing - well if they cannot accept you as you really are, then they are no big loss. Go somewhere that people like gays and make real friends.
I agree with everything said. Being gay is not a death sentence ok? Yes there are haters but your future is in your hands, Not in some unnamed homophobes. If you need to move,move.Find a way. You may need a place with more support. Find them.There are alot of Gay communities. Look it up,research a little. And if the friends you've got are anti-gay,have the courage to find new friends. Your life is'nt over,it's just beginning. Welcome, And good luck. It gets better.Don't give up. It is'nt as bad as it seems. Most of us have been through exactly the same thing. Hang in there! J***,
Crazy as I just read that from aznboy I felt as it were me talking so I registered. (my first time in any forum) I am up against the same choices right now only difference is that I also have this religious issue and I am very torn and not sure what to beleive. I do know that I have to make some choices. I just came out to a cousin in miami and she introduced me to some friends of hers (gay) that offered the same exact advice as "joey". She put it like this "You need to divorce your life and start a new one". For me it is a heart wrenching thing to do but I must do it. I have set things into motion to move across the country... now I just need to follow through. I still may chicken out. Anyways just to let you know that I'm freaking out just like you.
I was in your position a little while back. I became a spiritual person, and so, learned many truths about life and the world in general. Don't define yourself by your sexuality. By doing so, your life goes down a narrow path, filled with ideals of a world that can never be. You cannot be defined by any physical characteristic either, because these can change too. Your personality,also, is transient, to assume the identity of ' 21,gay, lonely etc' limits your self in such a way that you might not even be aware of, and unhapiness will persist. Know that the people around you are no happier than yourself, they clutch on to ideals of relationships and family life,money, and personal fulfillment in order to fill the giant void inside of them. The life which you are living is being moulded by those around, those who know no better than yourself, maybe even less, don't let this happen. At our very core, with the individuality stripped away, we are all exactly the same, all forms of separation and discrimination (including homophobia) stem from a belief that the material world is all that there is, and that we are defined by it. You define yourself, you make your own purpose. You are absolute being because you are alive, you are life itself. My advise to you is to stop worrying. Stop fretting over a future that may never be, because a) the future does not exist and b)all that is important to you is that you are alive, everything that is built upon this is irrelevent, an illusion of a personality dreamt up by the material world. Try to see yourself as separate from the identity that others have come to know you by, detatch yourself from the body in which you inhabit and know yourself as simply being alive. This will lead to freedom and happiness Feel free to disregard anything I say if it doesn't resonate with you
wow that sounds alot like me...trust me i knwo wat ur going through and if u ever need ne thing u can talk to me.....ive lost many freinds b/c of being gay too...ive even had a death threat....but im still going....for now that is lol.....well if ever yall need ne thing to talk about just email me @ chasplmr@yahoo.com
anzboy you descried the last five months of my life the fear the worry the depression its all so over whelming shit if it weren't for my boyfreind and an old hippie buddy of mine I'd of done put a trigger to my head it sounds like your real depressed you otta talk to someone if nothing else talk to all these yayho's O and hang in there man
OMG aznboy.....u've describe me in near perfect detail! u wanna talk? my email is suffering-in-silence@live.com
God this is depressing. I understand how some could feel this way, especially if one were living in a conservative area, but you must take being gay as a GIFT! Don't look on the negatives! Go somewhere where people will accept you for who you are and realise just how great it is to be gay I must admit though, I actually feel kinda guilty that I've had it so easy. I've been so open with everyone and never got shit for it...never had feelings like these that I know so many gay people do. It must be really hard, but you need to clear out your head and like I said - realise that being gay is actually a really great thing IF you're in the right place.
