Here's something I knocked up on the G8 theme. If you think it's crap, I'll rewrite it! Perseverance and all that, you know. G8 Not So Great I bought a flat t.v. My car’s an MG My stereo's top fidelity My house would do for three I’m tuned to my iPod My fashion sense gets the nod My wallet’s crammed with notes My mobile’s better than the other bloke’s The sofa’s leather of course Water bottled from the source I keep good wines in the cellar rack Always time for a whiskey mack I’ve got the latest laptop Can’t let the standards drop Yes, things are pretty sweet In my residential street But look at him On a dollar a day Living in a shack With no water tap He’s working To survive To keep his family alive On a dollar a day We are not One.
Love the message and the imagery used, it's well conveyed. It's a difficult poem to read, however, because the beat is off. Read it aloud to yourself and count the syllables on each line - some stanzas flow well, but others falter, which gives it a bit too much of a stop-start feel. The first stanza, for example, chops and changes too quickly in rhythm, 6 syllables on the first line, 5 on the second, then 10 then 6, and it's a pattern you don't keep throughout. Although you don't have to have a rigid structure, it might help to improve the poem's flow. I think to improve it you need only think about structure as the content, I feel, is there already, it's just about bringing it out in the punchiest way possible....
