My name is Peter, here's my story..

I've suffered from depression for a long time(at least for the past 2-3 years). Although I was never diagnosed, I'm sure I went through that. I've posted about 4 times here about my problem but this will be probably my last time. I'm going through alot, I'm really paranoid, I've got some friends but that's it. I recently lost my best friend(very long story, I won't bother) and now I'm with my other good friend. I'm sure I have anxiety, now as a disorder I'm not sure. I put a lot of ideas in my head and I'm sure it's not true. Such as, if I'm in the bus, I'll say oh hey look I'm sure that nice looking girl over there would say this and this over me. Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, I was extremely angry and sad over what? I'm not even sure. Exams are coming up, I'm doing fine but I'm stressed, of failing. I'm afraid been a psychopath. I got a lot of suicidal thoughts, the feeling of hurting others(although I love people, I know it's weird).

At school, I feel like a ghost that's unoticed. I feel like I'm not even there, only in the presence of teachers and my good friend and a couple of others.. I mean, what's going on? My good friend told me, you were cool in grade 7th-9th but when we got in grade 10th, you started saying weird things. Sometimes, without even noticing it, I lie and then I say why? Why did I do that? I don't want to lie.. Somedays, I feel suicidal, other times I feel like I never even had those thoughts. Yes, I know I need help..I just had to say this to someone, I feel lonely, like a forgotten ghost. My good friend tells me that my best friend might have had a great influence on me psychologicaly because he had family problems, drug problems, etc. My best friend might suffer from psychopathy(he has most, if not all of the symptoms).

Many people say I look happy, that I'm funny and that I make people laugh and I know I do. I've been really suicidal lately, I wanna kill myself. But on the other hand, I say no. I've accomplished a lot to be here, why waste it? Then I change from question to question. Sometimes, I picture in my mind peoples reaction to my suicide, I just get all these ideas after my death. I got a lot of anxiety too, I talk alot, I am social but I'm afraid of what the others think about me. At work, I was hanging around with some people after we've finished and I said to a couple of them that they were cool and I love them, just like that you know. And then the girl says, peter what do you mean? You're gonna come here tomorow with a gun? I tell her what do you mean, youre scaring me. Then she says, no you're scaring me. But I know she likes me as a friend.

I really love my friends, my family.

This is my story and although I didn't cover everything detailed, let's just say this is a summary. I'll be posting this on other places in the site. Thanks for your comments/suggestions.

 

As my drunkard 45 year old neighbor who thinks that he's Elvis says...

"Son, have you ever been PSYCHOLOGICALLY evaluated?"

 

Well, I hate to say it, but you are only 17 and teenage years seem to be laden with hormones and angst. You should definitely talk to someone, just cuz it may be teenage angst doesn't make it any less valid, but you might outgrow it. Do look into something, if it has to be just venting to someone on here or something, talking to someone always helps. But don't let them chemically treat you, your body might work that out on it's own.

 

socially awkward + depression = problems squared
having a safe outlet for stuff (like a therapist or counsellor) can really help some folk

 

Don't even really need therapy. Start writing, painting, playing an instrument. Channel it all into that. Also, drink heavily.