I can never just relax and be myself around others. I feel like I'm always putting on some sort of act in order to get approval or acknowledgement. The only weird thing is it works... and when it does, I just feel shitty about it. As if my self esteem is supposed to skyrocket once I get everyone to think I'm an OK guy... and once they do, I still never feel that satisfied. I still feel dead inside no matter what. Not to mention I'm anxious all the time... mainly because of these perfectionist traits. I don't know what the point of posting this was, but I just don't know how to feel okay about myself on the inside. I feel like it's something that life can't give to me, and I have to find the source inside of me. I just don't know where to start looking...
your not alone i know how it feels not to be "real" just try your best to be who you are and let your gaurd down remember "be who you are and say how you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter dont mind."
get drunk hehe but seriesly everyone haves there own mask that they use in publics its natural to do that,time and trust can brake it peas by peas.
yeah, that's exactly what everybody says. the only thing is, i can't just be okay with it. i guess that's the part that sucks the most... lol. i'm too serious about non-serious shit.
I want to ask you," why can't you just be yourself?" but I understand it is more complicated than that. I think if you HAVE to put on an act for people you hang out with then it is not worth it. To have to worry about what people think about you all the time sucks, and it is not worth your effort or stress. What you have to think about is, that if you cannot be yourself around the people your with, then is it really worth it? And you say your too serious about non-serious shit, is that cause your always worried about what people will think about you? Just try to be your self and dont worry about what people think about you, not everyone will like you or be your friend but you wont know who your true friends are if your not yourself all the time.
Sounds just like me man, I feel you on this; I usually just get stoned or drunk so I don't have to filter my thoughts through so much, or don't feel so judged. The day you stop caring what other people think will be a happy one, though.
I think you are not comfortable being yourself and this is why you have such a hard time, maybe you should realize what you do have to offer in life and be happy with who you are and become comfortable with yourself, maybe then you will begin to be able to be yourself around other people and not alter your personality to fit and please other people. If it's something that truly bothers you (which it seems like it does) than work on changing that, work on just being able to let go of whatever you have built up in yourself to where you feel as though you have to put on an act in front of people and to drift back into the real person that you are. You shouldn't have to change yourself in order to appease other people. If people are going to like you or befriend you, wouldn't you rather it be because you were yourself and the real you and not just a shell... Be comfortable with yourself because you are going to be you forever, while you can only put on a front for so long... Good luck...
sorry about the fragmented quote. but I think these are key things to think about. I think you will be better off if you can accept a simple fact of life; not every single person get along. some people are going to like you, others won't. but be who you are, and if people like you, you know they like you for you. a desire for acceptance and belonging is one of the strongest human needs. but an unhappy person who belongs is still unhappy, as you know.
what i'm about to say may not be the right thing to say. f it. keep acting. get really good at it. get so good that you can make a positive difference. when you meet someone down the line with a similar problem and you see people that respect you treating them like shite, protect them.
that's a great mentality to have, honestly. if it weren't for the fact that i take everything too seriously, it would probably get me really far / make me a generally happier person. but in either case, there's not a bad response here. thanks so much for the advice, all of you.
I am a perfectionist, too. Eventually hopefully you just realize that you're perfect as you are. If you're an actor, be an actor. You really can't go wrong, so there's no point in thinking about it. Be brave.
i think your honesty is a beautiful quality. a lot of people put on a front all the time but not many can admit it. i know how hard it can be. when i was a little kid i never spoke because i was never comfortable with myself and i thought that none of my thoughts were worth voicing. everyone thought i was mute. it's no way to live, all scared like that. you're just a creature like everyone else. you're beautiful and you're just as good and pure as the next kid. i think that next time you have a very nice thought about someone else you should share it as a compliment. because it is so genuine you won't feel fake or forced, and because it is so kind you will receive positivity in return. it's how i get in touch with my truer side without worrying about rejection. you don't have to try hard to be amazing. it will happen when you break down the walls and allow yourself to accept it. acceptance can never be forced. stay beautiful anouk
Do you think you may have OCD or a similar axiety disorder? I've been obsessive-compulsive my whole life and it can cause behavior like that.
It's funny, you just pinpointed my problem exactly. I feel like everyone is so unique and beautiful in their own way... but I can't seem to see myself as I do everyone else. I guess in the end, I love the world and the people in it so much but I hate myself. So I always want to escape being myself. My soul is definitely dead, that's for sure.
Your souls not dead. You are just at a point of life i was in about a month ago. School was winding down, I was graduating a year early, alot of pressure was on me and I was using more drugs than ever before. For about the last three or four months or school I would eat a klonopin or xanax nearly every day and smoke tons of weed. At that point in time I honestly felt as though the drugs were helping me. I had a self proclamed social anxiety disorder and had been going through some issues trying to be comfortable joking, talking, and interacting with other people, expecialy girls. A large portion of where my lack of confidence was coming from was that even though I was 16, I havent ever had a real girlfriend and felt that part of my life was missing. One thing that really seemed to prevent this was my overall lack of confidence and constant mood swings. Starting in the beginning of my 11th grade year I felt i had a strong grip on who I was, where i wanted to go in life and who i wanted to be. By the end of the year, i felt as though all those questions i had answered were questions once again. For context, I have always been considered extremely intelligent by my peers, family and friends. It was always something i prided myself on although i never put forth any effort in school. Just like you I had perfectionist tendencies. No matter how good i did it wasn't ever good enough because i always knew i could do better if i tried. I would get an A on a test and be unsatisfied because i know if i studied it would have been a 100%. The only problem was that i could never get the enthusiasm to put forth any effort. Anyways back to the story, two days after I graduated high school, I went out and took 100mg morphine and 2mg klonopin. I honestly had no death wish in mind and never expected anything other than a good fucked up feeling. That night i ended up in the hospital, my heart rate was the lowest it had ever been and i scared the life out of my parents. Because of the incident i was grounded. The next two weeks for me were spent reflecting on what the year before had brought and because of the negative atmosphere and my own overall mind frame I slowly grew more and more depressed. After the two weeks were over and I was no longer grounded for my incident, I decided to take three hits of acid. For anyone that has done acid, they know that it tends to bring out the sub conscience. That night me and my two closest buds all dosed. At that time so many realizations came to me it was overwelming. That night i sat in a room with my two dudes for hours saying very little. One of my friends there i had grown up with and was as close to as a brother. The other i met at the beginning of my school year. Anytime i would hear one of the two talk to each other, i would feel the need to say something to please one of them or to fit in with them. Many times topics would come up that i had no knowledge of and felt left out. Normally around these two i never felt i put up a front that i had to around most people i didnt know. That night i kept saying things that were only even slightly relavent just to be part of the conversation. Many of which sounded like complete bullshit to me and obviously to them. Under acid putting up a mask was impossible and i came to see being myself was the only way to really be free of the stress and become happy. I didn't have to relate to them on every level. That night i sat there listening, watching and thinking about myself compared to these two other people. I realized both of them seemed to have their own vibe about them, experienced their own fare share of things and each had their own individual lives. None of which i should have to or try to mimic. I realized that my own experiences were just as good and genuine as theirs and that friends werent there for me to please. They were there for having good times and sharing things with despite our differences. I finally realized that i had been putting on a mask for a long time. That the reason i was so uncomfortable around people was because i had been putting up this front. I also realized that was a major part of the reason for my past couple months of drug abuse. When the trip finally ended, i was mentally exhausted. With all the bad feelings of the night I cried for the first time in years. It was in front of both of my friends too. Never had i cried before in front of people and being completely stripped of everything and feeling entirely humiliated left an extreme effect. The tears would flow without stopping, not in sobs but they would just stream without a noise. For me, someone with constant composure and someone who always says the right thing to cry like this was such an extreme feeling of exposing myself. Never before had i been able to let down my guard around people like this and be so honest. For about a week after that i felt as though all my confidence was ripped from me, my relationships with those friends broken because of my idiotic behavior that night, and that i couldn't and wouldn't ever find love. The week after that though I decided it was time for a change. I wasn't going to be depressed anymore, I was going to become myself and be proud of it. I made a list of all of my likes, dislikes, good qualities, bad qualities and became comfortable with it. At first writing these things down and coming up with them was hard but eventually it just started to flow. One of my biggest hurdles was dealing with the bad qualities. I looked at each one and turned it around to be a good quality or tried to find a way to change that behavior. At the end of that week of trying to bring myself back to norm i tripped on some mushies. The weeks worth of complimenting myself and positive thinking really payed off. By the end of that trip I felt like a million bucks. I wasn't worried about the things that normally bothered me. I learned how to let go and be free around people. It no longer mattered if i said the wrong or right thing. It didnt even matter if i was silly or goofy. I was finally able to let go and not be the quiet one in the room only saying something if it sounded like a good idea. I could express my ideas without caring if others thought they were right or wrong. Finally I started to see that if i thought the idea was good, it had to be good because i was good and thats all the logic necessary. You would be surprised how much better an idea comes off if you say it confidently and proud. People tend to follow you and look up to you for guidance when they feel uneasy. You just have to remember, You can be anyone You want to be. If you do something confidently people that comment negativly upon you are simply jealous because they dont have the balls to do what you do. Another great epiphany i made on mushrooms was that EVERYONE IS SELF CONSCIOUS NOT JUST YOU. Deep down in their hearts everyone has something about themselves that they dont like. That night on mushrooms i tripped around girls as well. At that time i realized that women most of all have these kinds of thoughts and simply look to be guided by a strong confident man to make them feel at ease. At many times they come off as bitches but it is simply to hide their own insecurities and stay in their safe happy little bubble. Anyways i hope you read this and that it helps. This is all coming from a 16 y/o who turns 17 this month. As a side note i haven't taken any pills since that night and have stuck to only weed and psychedelics. Also although I haven't found the female love i was looking for i now understand that it will come one day and am no longer so nervous or scared around potential mates.
I think it is great that someone your age can "transform" the way you did. If kids and adults could realize that being yourself is, okay, the world would be a better place for everyone.
dont be okay with it you have to start looking into yourself trying to make people think your okay humble yourself in front of people other people are putting on masks they want to be their selves just like you they probably just dont know how to be their selves in front of people im not truely comfortable with myself but i try to be just try to stay calm when your around people smoke a little, thats what i do find people that you can feel comfortable around some people are just shallow people and you cant help but notice that their being critical of you their confused themselves look for the good inside of yourself take a while to contemplate your qualities whatever you do dont shut yourself off from the world human interaction can be a beautiful thing if you just find people that enjoy living, being themselves, going back to their natural roots of simple pleasures - seriously if you want to get to know yourself i think you should try living in the wilderness for a while you'll have things to say different perceptions, not the same old thing that makes you feel like your not even a person "And their systems, christ, they're everywhere School, army, church, the corporation deal Fucked up reality based on fear Fucking conspiracy to stop you feeling real Well they ain't got me, I'd say they're fucking wrong I ain't quite ready with my gun But I've got me song" your afraid to be yourself you dont feel real it might be because your letting people with the wrong intentions get to you
