I want to be a mother, already!!!

I have been married for about a year and a half and I really want to have a baby. I've always wanted to be a mother. The only reason I went through with the whole legal marriage thing was so that some day my kids wouldn't have to answer questions about why their name was different from mine. The problem is that my husband is dead set against it. We're both in college right now but I still think its possible. He seems to think that the criteria for having a child is all financial. He wants us to have a certain amount of money before we start having kids. Meanwhile I'm dying inside. He says he understands and that he wants kids to, just not right now. I'm having a harder time believing him every day. Any advise or comments would be great! Help!!!

 

They're still in college, for christ's sake!

td, wait until after you graduate. Your future kid deserves not to have to share you with a full class schedule and college tuition.

 

that's a good point, but I understand how much it pains you- you must feel really empty i don't know what to say, because it would be very difficult to have a baby and be in college, it wouldn't be fair to your child

 

My first question would be why you feel such a strong need to have a baby. What is a baby going to do for you that you can't find in yourself? Don't take this the wrong way, I am not against having children, I want to make babies myself someday. But the timing needs to be right, for the child's sake. And, well, the fact that you say you only got married because of children, that makes it sound like an unhealthy obsession.

Regardless of your circumstances, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT force this man into having a child when he is not ready!!! I've seen women do this too many times, every time I've seen it, it ruined the relationship, which hurt the child in the long run. Yes, sometimes it does work out, but the odds are not in your favor.

Yes, it is possible. Is it preferable? Hell no. I know women who make it thru to a degree even with a baby at home, but how many more drop out, planning to go back when the baby is old enuf, then never actually go back? Lets say you don't care about college, all you want is to be a mommy... Think about someone else for a change -- how is your husband going to be able to do well in school with a baby waking him up in the middle of the night every night (even if he doesn't have to be the one to get up with it, if it wakes you up it is disturbing his sleep)?

The criteria for having a child is not all financial. But, finances SHOULD be a factor. How do you expect to be able to afford this child? Are you planning to drop out & get a full time job as soon as you can work after giving birth? Or is he supposed to drop out & get the job? Or are your or his parents supposed to pay your way while he finishes school? Babies aren't cheap, unless your brother is an obstetrician, your sister is a pediatrician, you use cloth diapers, & you breastfeed.

Once he finishes school, he will most likely be able to get a far better job than he has access to without a degree. You won't have to worry about how to afford those expensive pre-natal vitamins. You won't have the stress of how to afford any necessities eating away at your relationship (cuz that can be a relationship killer all on it's own). You will be able to afford to give your child the advantages it deserves -- in terms of time spent with it, reading to it, educational toys, get a home in a decent school district, etc.

Maybe you should have figured this out before marrying him just so your babies would have the same last name as you? Unless he lied to you before the wedding, saying he wanted babies asap, you cannot blame this problem on him.

 

Babies dont fit nicely into a scedual you know, thay take a fuckload of time effort and love. Youre studying, and when you have a baby, you better believe thatg it sure as hell wont be possible for you to commit whole heartedly to both things.

Its easier to have money before you have a baby, rather than try and get money after.


I'm wondering... why didnt you get married because you love your husband?

 

Did you discuss this with your husband at all before you married? I was in a relationship a few years ago that was going pretty well and I started to think that maybe I could spend my life with that person. So, I started discussing the future with him and found out that he really didn't want to have children and if he ever did it wouldn't be until he was in his late 30's. I spent about 6 months trying to convince him to change his mind. But he didn't and I left him. That was hard, but I'm glad I did. And now I've found someone who I love more than I can express. I've found someone who wants the same things I do. We're engaged and actually trying to conceive our first child now. And I'm happy.


I'm not saying you should leave your husband, but I am wondering how you married someone that doesn't want the same thing as you at the same time you do. I'm not sure what advice to give you. That man who I dated before is now a close friend of mine and he still doesn't want children. In fact, a few months ago another girl broke up with him for the same reason I did. I don't think it's likely that your husband will change his mind. So, I guess my advice is...if you want to stay with him...keep letting him know that you want children, but don't let it be something you fight about. Concentrate on school and hope that he'll be ready once you two are better off financially. But there are some men who will make excuses until its too late. I've seen it happen to many women. I didn't want that to happen to me. And that is why you should really discuss things like this before you marry someone.

 

While you're waiting, you might want to talk to your Ob/gyn about having some exams to ensure you have no lingering fertility problems. My wife and I waited a year to start trying to conceive, and after trying for yet another year, we discovered that she had endometriosis, as well as some fibroid tumors and uterine adhesions, all of which had gotten worse during the first 2 years of our marriage. These have all been treated through a combination of surgery and drugs, but we've never been able to conceive. We can't know if we'd have succeeded by trying as soon as we were married, but our odds would have likely been better, since pregnancy and breastfeeding can naturally suppress endometriosis.

 

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I have only been together for almost three years, and I'm starting college now, and he's in college. I had major issues with it for awhile. About a year ago, I wanted a baby SO bad. My boyfriend of course wanted to wait a while. I'm glad he didn't let me talk him into it, because the plans I have right now would not exist. It's very possible to raise a baby while in college, it's really hard for a single mom, but having support from someone else makes it's easier. I know several people that are going through college with a baby and most of them are making their parents keep the child all the time. Granted, they're not very mature either. I know others that do just fine; it's not easy, but they say it's all worth it and I'm sure it must be. If you husband wanted a baby right now, then I'd say by all means go for it. But if he's dead set against it than he's just not ready. Talking him into it would only make it harder when the baby came. I'm sure he wants children if he says he does, he's probably just afraid of not being able to take care of the child right now. I say it'd be best to talk to him and make a plan as to when you could start trying. Maybe you could start just before you finish college, so the baby would come soon after you finished and he could already be done and have a job. In the meantime you could go to the doctor and make sure you don't have any fertility problems. Perhaps read books about caring for children so you can be prepared. You could get a job at a daycare center or maybe vollenteer to watch a friend's baby. I use to babysit a friend's child all the time and it helped me a lot. You could pretend to be a mommy for a little while. It'd be great practice for your husband as well and when he sees you holding that baby, he may get more excited about having a baby with you. Tell him that you need to be reassured that he really does want children sometime soon.

Sorry my post was so long. I know how you feel, so hang in there. You can PM me anytime if you want someone to talk to. Take care, and don't let any negative feedback here get you down.

 

I didn't get married just to have children. I got LEGALLY married so that our future kids would not have any name confusion. I'm pagan and not a big believer in the right of government to control who is married and who is not. If I had not intended to have children we would have been handfasted instead. So I did get "married" because I love my husband. We were together for 6 years before we got married and talked about kids a lot. Every indication was that he wanted them just as much as I did.

I don't want a child to fix anthing or to fill some void in me personally. I come from a large family and I've seen over and over again what a joy children can be. I feel I have a lot of love to give and I would like to give it to my own children. I also know that having a child while going to school can be difficult. But believe it or not is extremely common where we are. People do it all the time. And even if I got pregnant right now we would only have a year of school left after the baby was born.

He is so fixated on having the "right" amount of money before we have a child. Though he never specifies what that amount is. He's an artist and I'm an English major. Chances are we are never going to make a whole lot of money. I'm just afraid that we will never have enough for him.

Hope this clears some things up.

 

You have 20+ yrs to have babies!! Get a puppy. Seriously, though. Finish college. Babies ARE EXPENSIVE. It is hard to go to school pregnant, it is hard to go to school with a newborn. Hell, it is hard to go to school with a 5 yr old!!

 

The argument that "people do it all the time" does not mean it is a good idea. You could say the same thing about drunk driving. You could say the same thing about trying meth. People do it all the time. People even do it without suffering any serious consequences (deadly accident, addiction, whatever).

Frankly, I'm in my last year of school right now. I have a dog. Dogs don't need nearly as much attention as a baby. But, when I have a paper due or when midterms come around, she's not getting the walks that she needs because it comes down to either finishing writing a decent paper or taking her to the park & doing a half-assed, rushed job on the paper. I can't imagine trying to carry the classload I have now (only 12 hours, but senior seminar classes) AND take care of a newborn.

Why do you have such a problem with waiting a year or two, to finish school & find jobs? I just don't understand what the rush is. You're only 20 for god's sake! Frankly, I wanted a baby when I was your age too. In hindsight, I realize what I really wanted was something to patch up a failing relationship, but that's another issue. I thank the gods every day that I didn't wind up pregnant back then, because I have been able to have so many wonderful experiences since. Yeah, I want kids, but waiting a couple of years is not that big of a deal. Hell, be thankful yours isn't wanting to wait until after he gets his PhD before thinking about babies!

Maybe that is just his way of stalling because he is not ready for a child yet. How important is this to you? If you can't wait, or if he keeps finding new reasons to put it off (or just puts that money amount out of a reasonable range), maybe you need to start figuring out what is more important to you -- babies or your husband. You can't change him. If he's not ready, it's wrong of you to try to force him. If it's that important, maybe he is not really the right person for you.

 

Yeah, and food and clothing grows on trees, and it rains diapers, and babysitters come in cans.

Meanwhile, on planet Earth...

 

just take your time with things...you know? youll be a great mom....let things take its course...i dont know what else to say

 

I totally agree...As an 18 year old, with a baby girl that I care for more than anything on this planet, the one thing that matter is having the financial backing to care for her properly. It's not that I want to be rich, but she deserves better than fighting for my attention against school work and a job.

holly

 

You're Pagan too? I guess we DO have a lot in common. I know what you're saying. When I use to tell people I'd like to have a baby they'd always ask me what was wrong with my relationship or tell me that I just "wanted someone to love me". I feel the same way you do. Children are just wonderful, and I also have a lot of love to give. It sounds like if you could wait a year, then you'd be set.

I'm guessing, and nothing more, that your husband is just nervous about having a baby, and it's not all about the college thing. Babies don't need some "set" amount of money. I believe it's better to raise a child without a ton of money than to spoil it todeath (i.e. buying it a $20,000 car). Even if you didn't have enough money to buy your baby expensive toys and such; c'mon is it really going to care how much it's car seat or crib cost? What children need most is love, food and warm clothes. You husband is probably set on giving this child the mot expensive toys and items as possible. Maybe you two should talk about that.

Regardless, none of us can do anything but sympathize with you. The key is to tell your husband how you're feeling. Sit down and talk for at least a few hours and figure out exactly where he stands. Try to pick the exact time when you can start trying or add up what your baby will cost and start a special savings. You may thing I'm silly, but I'm only trying to help. Maybe it'd be easier for you if you let your husband read this thread so he could better understand how strongly your feel about this. You're right, you can totally have a baby while in college, but both people should REALLY want to. Once again, I'm here if you wanna talk. *hugs*

 

It might care if the thing falls apart! This is something you might not want to skimp on. There's this little thing called safety? It's kind of important?

Clothes for an infant aren't cheap. Even if you get thrift store stuff, the kid's going to go through several sets just in the first year. It's this thing kids do... it's called growing?

And you forgot diapers. Newborns need 6-12 of them per day (depending on how they're fed and what kind you use...). Know how much that costs? Hint: not cheap.

Your husband is probably set on all three of you actually being able to EAT. Maybe you two should talk about that.

 

I love it. Listen. I had a baby when I was 20, and one when I was 24. Poor as shit both times. Still am!! No, being poor doesn't make it impossible to have a baby, but it makes it fucking hard!! When you have to decide whether to pay the power bill or the water bill for this month. Whether to buy diapers or yourself FOOD, Scrounging up change to put gas in the car, bouncing a check to the mechanic just to get your piece of shit car out of the shop, never seeing your husband because you go to school during the day, he works in the evenings because you can't afford a babysitter, etc.

do you know how expensive diapers are? A large pack will be between 12-18 dollars. You'll buy one every few days for a newborn. Babies grow insanely fast. The 5 or 6 outfits he'll need as an infant will fit 2 months. I have about 50-100 pounds of clothes that Virginia (19 months) has grown out of. Sure you can buy cheap Wal-mart stuff, but the amount of clothes you have to buy makes it pretty expensive.

Not to mention the stress. Parents who aren't ready will fight about not having money (usually). Especially when one of them wanted to wait. her husband could very well say, I TOLD you to wait, so bye bye!

Oh, and then when baby starts eating after breastfeeding, all of the sudden, you have an extra person to buy for. My daughter eats more than I do!! We went out to eat the other night at my husband's restaurant (free). She ate an adult size amount of food.

Oh, yeah, doctors visits. A baby will go to the doctor about 10-15 times before she is two. And the medicine when they get fevers, ear infections, etc. are more expensive that adult stuff. While adult tylenol is a few dollars, infant tylenol is 5 or 6. And there is an insanely tiny amount in the bottles.

The point is, having a baby when you aren't financial ready isn't impossible, but from my experience (and many other parents here, I'm sure). when you start out behind, it is HARD to catch up.

 

you may have already said this and i just didn't notice it, but do either of you work? if so how much money are you making? where are you living - dorm, apartment, parents, etc. is there room there for a child? are your parents helping you at all now?

 

We both work. We live in a 3 bedroom trailer house with plenty of room for more people. The only reason we don't live in an actual house is because there are very few available here (it being a college town and all). I work two jobs (by choice) and carry a full class load. He works one and carries a full class load.

I am fully aware how expensive children are. My sister has two that she never wanted and is on medicaid and all that stuff. But she got to the place she is by being stupid with her money (even she admits this). My husband and I cared for her 5 year old for almost 3 months because she couln't afford it. We are currently helping by buying clothing and things that she need for the second one that's coming. (Which we may end up adopting if she can't handle it)

The medical stuff is really not a problem. All of my prenatal care and delivery, etc. Would be covered by the school's student health system. The child's visits after birth would also be covered. Childcare is also VERY inexpensive because the college provides it. I would be breastfeeding for a year, if possible even up to 2. We would also be using cloth diapers because I prefer them.

And no, neither set of parents is helping us. Though both would if they needed to. (My parents are busy supporting my sister (28), husband, and their 5 yr old.

I think that my husbands issue with the finances is just a cover for the real problem. His father is an alcoholic and was not a very good parent. My husband believes that he could be the same way. However, he is absolutely nothing like his dad.

Oh, and by the way, I tried the getting a pet thing. I don't like dogs but I have two cats. Oberon (Russian blue) is about 1 year old and Nyx (Russian blue mix tiger stripe) 5 months old. I love them very much and don't know what I would do without them but it still isn't the same.

I really appreciate the input. It's good to talk to people.

 

I think, then, that what you need to figure out is if your husband is ever going to be "ready" for children, or if he is going to keep making up reasons why you guys should wait. The next thing you know, you'll wait until you are 40+yrs old, then it's too late. (usually-look at Dakota's Mom!!)


Anyway, you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to have a life without children. If your husband honestly is afraid to be a father, you have no right to force him...you know that. It would ruin the relationship most likely.

If having children is a must for you, you may need to reconsider your life-partner. You may not be able to change his mind, and he may (well, probably!) won't be able to change yours.

I'm not advocating getting divorced, but these are things you really need to study. Can you settle with a life without babies? Will he ever be "ready"?