would it make a difference if i was a madman, lost and stumbling.. mumbling prophecies to pigeons and strangers what if i was royalty kept alive by tabloids and sensational stories of whom i was fucking.. would it matter that i am a loser boy looking for home far away and love in strange women in plain women in sad, blue and hateful women who take me on as therapy and a release for their rage.. what if i built you a boast of stone..
Sweet idea which you did not seem to finish, that last line left me wanting. I would also suggest you write poems using punctuation. Good luck. _______________________________________________ Poetry writers Network - edited
thanks for the comments and thanks for reading...punctuation, eh?? overrated, but i'll consider the suggestion...by the way, userfriendly, how new is poetrywriters.net?? do you post there??
I like the idea here. My favourite part is the last stanza, the way the list of women he looks for love in gets more and more desperate. I like the ending to. It lets the mind drift on and come to it's own conclusions. But I have one little suggestion for the first stanza. How about changing 'mumbling prophecies to' to 'full of prophecies for'? I think it sounds better. The 'f' sound almost sounds like a stumble or stutter from an old madman. I would also put a line break between pidgeons and strangers, as if he realised that the people were there as an afterthought, his main audience being the pidgeons. Would it make a difference if I was a madman, lost and stumbling... full of prophecies for pigeons and strangers This is only my opinion. It's up to you what you do with your poem. Anyway, if you get a chance you can have a look at some of my poems. All comments/criticisms are more than welcome as I want to use this thread "The Little Red Book" to improve my writing. The last couple I posted are still works in progress. I'd appreciate your opinion. Good job. Keep writing.
skip the punctuation man. not necessary. you seem to have your ideas together pretty well, and I enjoyed the way you follow through the images through 3 lines so they get progressively deeper. -V
redyelruc: thanks for checkin' this one out and thanks for the in-depth comments...i'm still mullin' over your suggestion but i'm leanin' towards my original (of course, hee hee) but your views were much appreciated...i need feedback and love to hear what other writers have to say...i'll get to the little red book soon enough...my online time is limited and frantic... verisimilitude: thanks for the words...and i agree about the punctuation...not necessary...i never really noticed the 3 lines thing 'till you pointed it out...hope it worked for you... r.e...
