I've been holding this in for awhile...

This has been a long time coming but I'm finally trying to sort out some of my feelings. I had to post this under a different name for anonymity, please forgive me. I wanna apologise in advance for this being long. I'm really in need of some good advice.

First of all, I have very abusive relationships in my past. I have always found it hard to trust guys. understandably. This may be a factor in how I'm feeling now.

I have been with my current boyfriend for a few years, things have been very rocky at times, and other times its been great. I have no doubt that we love each other, but I'm not sure if its enough to hold on to. He is bipolar and refuses therapy and medication. This is very hard for me to deal with. I almost feel responsible for his mood at any given time. I feel guilty all the time for his anger, when i know its not really my fault. Over the last year he has gotten much better at controling his emotions, and I have become much better at letting things blow over and not getting incredibly upset just because he's upset. This has made our relationship a million times better, but its still very hard for me to deal with at times. Sometimes he still gets very angry or upset and if I dont know the reason or if he doesnt want to talk about it I assume it's me or our relationship he's upset about. Most of the time I just wish he would open up and talk to me and be 100% honest. But he says he can't do that. Part of me wants to be understanding and give him his space, part of me doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't be honest and completely open with me and vice versa.


To make things even more complicated, he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship with his ex girlfriend, and I have a really hard time trusting him now. Probably because of my history. I really don't think hes cheated on me since, or at least not since we've been so serious about our relationship, but I always have that thought in the back of my head. We have talked about this a million times, but I just cant get over it completely.


lately i have been questioning our relationship even though nothing has come up between us recently. I have a lot of thoughts about breaking up with him to find out who I am. I have always been in a long term relationship of some kind, and every relationship before him was abusive. while he hasn't been abusive, it has been an emotional rollercoaster being with him.

I can't help but think what it would be like to date other guys, care free, no serious commitments, no stress. But I know thats not what I want in the long run, I just can't get the thought out of my head. Is this selfish? I've just never been free and not tied down. I feel horrible even thinking about it. but i do have these feelings and I can't ignore it.

My boyfriend is my best friend. i love him. I can see myself marrying him. We live together. and we have a child together. I just have all these unresolved feelings from my past that I'm having a hard time dealing with. All of this crap just gets all jumbled in my head and I can't make sense of anything. Please tell me what you think...

 

Honestly, I think having a relationship with anyone with a bipolar condition can be very hard, but one without medication is even harder. Sometimes you have to have incredible patience and put up more with the possibilities of things like cheating, compulsive spending, extreme moodiness, and shifting sexual appetites. I would be more weary simply because he's refusing any help if he needs it. I'm not saying get out because relationships CAN work with this condition, it's just disheartening to see that he may need help and refuses to get it.

 

he definitely needs help, he has all of the problems you've mentioned and it does make our relationship very very difficult. He has been on medication before but hated it and he doesnt think it helped. he only took it for a few weeks and even in that short time, i could see that it did help a bit, but he doesnt want to have to depend on meds. I dont know what else to tell him though. He was in therapy for awhile but stopped going just when it started helping because he didnt think he needed it.


Just as with anything else, he'll be enthusiastic and willing to get help and then after awhile he'll just give up on it, thinking it wont make a difference, then he'll get angry that he didn't fix the problem.

I dont know how to convince him that he really needs it without offending him. he doesnt like to talk about his feelings or his problems. he feels like he's not good enough for me becuase of all these issues and he'd just rather try to ignore it. I know this won't help. but i don't know what to tell him.

 

First of all, I think you should be applauded for your patience, you are doing something that few others could do. You must have amazing strength.

With that being said, it sounds like therapy was working best for him, maybe just try to get him on a good day and look to family and friends for support. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

 

Thanks it helps just to hear that. All the stress leaves me feeling pretty useless and unappreciated most of the time.

As for friends and family, he doesnt really have any. none that he's close to anyway.

 

good luck and i also am in need of advice. in my grade there are these girls and everybody is trying to get their attention and im not the most popular guy around and when i try to talk to one of these girls . then when i finnaly build up the courage to talk to them my enimies see me approach and then they immediately a: try to make me look stupid or b:get her attention first. and after when i get a chance to talk to her i dont know what to say or even worse how to impress her. i need some help please