Wrong of me to have this type of thinking?

I've been in this relationship for a long while, its at the point that we can't stand one another. We started the relationship like any girlfriend and boyfriend just as friends and our relationship grew into going out on dates and hanging out with one another, everything was fine till about 6-8 months of the relationship.

I was in the car parked outside her apartment and we started to talking. The topic was that I was becoming to relaxed in the relationship and that she was going to move on. I was confused as all hell, I brought her flowers for no reason, got her stuff animals because it was just Wednesday, took her anywhere that she wanted to go, no questions asked. I then made the suggestion that I move in with her an it happened.

What I gave up for this women has a lot. I gave up my family (all of them because they had a problem with her being of a different race), I gave up my friends, and almost everything that I liked so I would be with her. I really wanted to marry her and be with her for the rest of my life.

We had a lot of trips around the city and just talking to one another but the conversations started to go south. She would being to tell me that I was really abusive an ignored her because I wouldn't stay up till 2-6 in the morning to talk to her and that if I was really into the relationship I would force myself to stay up that late(I tried but waking up every morning at 8am. I didn't make it). She started to tell me that she wished that I was more like her ex-boyfriend (I just started to second guess myself after that boom shell). We also started to talk about marriage a couple of months after that.

We was having sex almost every day but it keep ending that she got her's and I was left holding the rod. What really happens is she gets hers and pass out on me. The mood would be just shot to hell after that, I wouldn't continue because it's just not something I would do to a person that is passed out (even though she said I was ok for me to do).

Right around the time that I proposed to her, when I though that everything was going well, she told me that we shouldn't have any more sex. It wasn't a suggestion but a fact that we wasn't going to have sex. I said fine and didn't have sex for months but I was really to busy getting stuff done in time for the wedding. I was mortified to hear that the only reason she wanted to marry me was so she could have an scrap book so she could show to her kids that she did have one. This wasn't what shocked me, she told me to my face that she would marry me then divorce me the next day. I called it all off right then and there, huge amounts of fighting for like 2 months after that about everything and anything. The interesting thing was I didn't fight her back nor did I lay a hand on her but it did hurt. We made up then had make up sex, this is when she got pregnant, with the promise of "wanting a family."

I found out that she didn't want a family, her exact words was "I want someone to talk too at nights when your asleep." BIG RED FLAG!!!! I explain to her that wasn't the reason to have a kid. She wouldn't except it and I started to talk about aborting the pregnancy with a doctor. I got all the paper work and money together but to my surprise she couldn't go through with the abortion because she would have bleed out on the operation table. I sunk like a rock into depression, at the fact that this child would be born into this type of relationship.

I was there for everything the mood swings, the throwing up, the ankels hurting, even did tummy rubs to help with the morning sickness, the full ankel rub downs so it wouldn't have hurted much when she was on her feet. I even did those trips in the middle in the night to stores that didn't have certain things and had to go to like 20 different stores before getting the correct one.

My son was born not in NY but in Maryland, we was on the beach where a whale had came onto the deep shores of the beach. A flipper was raised into the air and then back down, she went into labor, 3 weeks to soon. My son wanted to come out and see the whale, or so I tell everyone. He had come really early and we was heading back into NY when it happened but she stayed in the hospital and I raced back to NY. A state trooper stopped me for going 98 miles. Got 12 tickets for speeding like that but it was worth it!!! Got to NY and got the car-seat for my son. The same day, I raced back to maryland in under 4 hours. Took my time getting back to NY though... really slow... took us two days to get back.

The fights that have occured after he was born was insane. I took care of my son straight through the trip from Maryland and to NY. I was dead tired from doing all that driving and taking care of him, she did nothing but sleep. I came home and crash I couldn't stay up at all even if I tried. I sleep till I heard him crying, I got up and got the bottle and change of diapers changed him and feed him. Held him till he feel asleep and passed out with him in my hands. This is when she started to bitch at me about how I wasn't taking care of him. I told her that she was crazy and to lay off the topic. She wouldn't and I end up hearing it for 3 months till I told her fine don't do nothing and started to taking care of him fully. After 9 month's of the full circle of child care and her bitching at me about everything... I snapped on her. I grabbed her and lifted her off her feet by her neck. I knew that I was completely wrong for putting my hands on her but I had it with her belittling, hurting me both physically and emotionally. I then realized that I turned into the person she was bitching at me about.

I then found out that because of me. She wanted to raise an army of females to wipe out all males on the planet, I was the first on the list. Part of me died, part of me wanted to retaliate, part of me wondered if I was really that bad of a guy. I was so confused by this, I had no one to run to talk to, my parents disowned me because of my son and mixing the race. I had no friends because she didn't want me talking to no one. I was alone, but I had one good friend that didn't stop trying (thats how I found this site.)

There is a lot that I'm leaving out but those are the general idea of how things are. We are not going out anymore, it became to the point that we are just roommates with a kid. She goes out and does her thing rubs it in my face in it. I love my kid, it's the only reason I stay. If I leave no one will take care of him (he can't speak correctly). I feel like a loser/bad guy most of the time with no self confidence and I have this really negative out look on the female population. Is it wrong for me to have this type of thinking? If so how do i go about changing it?

 

Summarize.

 

Sounds like your fighting for something that isnt there.
Really sucks that theres a child involved, but with that said...
who ARE you fighting for?
Have you discussed splitting up and actually being roommates instead of hurting each other and freaking out all the time?
I mean .. sounds like shes gonna do what she wants to when she wants to, while making you feel like shit.
Personally I think belittling and the whole aspect of verbal abuse and mental breakdown/manipulation is the worst kind of abuse, and it is definitely abuse.
How bout just not feeling like shit?
How bout fuck it?
Don't wait up anymore, go to bed with your son. Don't ask her wheres shes been... put on sesame street and sing to your son.
Show her whats important without saying a word!
Turn it around man, don't resent her when your the one pulling the load.
Focus on your son and be proud that your giving him all you got!
All this energy your spending on a toxic situation, filter that elsewhere!

 

i couldn't follow all that, but that part about choking her was not good. you're definitely going to have to find some other way to deal with the situation.

 

well, she sounds like a manipulative bitch, and you certainly know better than to lay your hands on her. its a little, well, one sided because we havent heard her side of the story but still...

apply for sole custody of your son?

 

She sounds like a complete nut job..get sole custody of your son and run...fast and far.

 

as every other person get sole custody of your son and get the fuck away from here don't ever meet her again and well wow man she really fucked you up I would have run away from something like that along time ago its sound like some cockmany story from a movie.

 

Again, get custody of your son.

 

Sorry, but it's summarized its things that have impacted this relationship for over 5 years.

At the moment I'm fighting for my son and she made the choice from what I can see. I'm taking more of a stand with her by not paying attention to her, about what she does or what she is doing.

I know that I shouldn't have put my hands on her. I was completely wrong with that I'm not going to hide that I did it. I just really didn't understand why a person would just not take care of there own flesh and blood. At this point its at the point, I'm a single father that loves his son.

I don't think that she would care if I just get up and leave with my son. She just doesn't care for him like I do. I've also tried to figure out why she is like how she is and I keep getting different answers. Like one of her biggest reason I get is because of me, every time I heard that its like a low blow to my self-esteem and confidence and started to believe it.

I would just take my son and just run but the fact that she is the mother of my son makes it hard for me to do. After all, a child should have mother and father in there life's no matter what they think, cruel or just plain evil they are.

She did really fuck me up, I'm terrified of falling in love or even liking anyone because of all the crap I was put through with her. I think that I'm really fucked up and if I do have a relationship with anyone else, they would have a lot of work ahead of them. Don't get me wrong, I do want to try but its hard telling someone that you like about things like this.

 

you really want someone that screwed up in the head around your son during his formative years? Find a lawyer, talk to them about getting custody of your son, see what you need to do. Being around a damaged person when you're young like that can cause further damage to the youngun