Here's a poem I wrote a few years ago when I spent a few days in Berlin. Strassen Moving, but resting. A flow through tarmac veins, Returning to a heart that beats With a slow pulse. Hush. A soothing blanket That lays itself upon the streets. Infusing. Moving, but sleeping. A dream in motion, Walking through stillness Past soft stone and steel. Murmurs, Echoes of words spoken Far away. The purr of petrol And the lowe of parallel lines Stretching to infinity. Hush. Hush now. Hush.
This poem flows well and it's gentle rhythm complements the imagery. There are some good images used, the extended metaphor of the tarmac veins, the pulse and heart. Other images are a bit purple passage, I thought, which whilst having a certain beauty to them are somewhat overdone. Eg. 'soothing blanket' and 'dream in motion'. You don't have to avoid these cliches like the plague (to use a cliche), but if you do make use of them, it's best to twist them to wring new meaning out of them, to use them in a way they've not been used before. You do this with the tarmac veins, which, although a not uncommon metaphor, has been extended here for greater meaning. After all, the purpose of metaphor and simile in writing is to make the reader think about something, through comparison, in a way they've not considered before....
Flowery, pretty, romantic, but overused. It's an easy trap to fall into. If someone wrote now, 'shall I compare thee to a summer's day' I expect they'd be accused of being purple passage....
