Dulcet Descension (Dance with Lucy II)

My heart stirs and pounds just wondering what to start with. There are many similarities and differences between an extroverted and introverted experience. For me, the latter was much more of a challenge. Rather than careful preparation pre-trip like the first time, i.e. reading trip accounts diligently, practicing meditation, engaging in a certain diet, insisting on a relaxed mood with everyone around me, I didn't prepare much for the second trip, intentionally. I wanted to have the experience of being plucked abuptly from my usual reality and to not make any plans or expectations. In fact, I felt a strong impression to drop the two windowpane hits at about 9:45pm. I didn't plan on any specific time, but I assumed it would be later than that. The kids were still up and regular fixed routine activities were still occuring around me.

I felt the first signs of energy stirring in me twenty minutes later, and soon realized that I had forgotted that the comeup, while not unbearably intense, does have enormous bearing on the peak, and subsequently the whole trip. So I accepted this fact while my busy family was still buzzing about. I stayed calm as I knew I had to get the setting quiet and secluded. I asked my wife to start getting the kids to bed and to blow up the inflatable mattress (we decided to be safe she'd sleep on that in the kids room), because I didn't want to hear her inflating it when I was closer to peaking. So she did that and yep, that wouldn't have been fun to listen to later in the comeup. I vacuumed the common area where I intended to spend the trip, avoiding the urge to get irritated at these tasks.

The kids were in bed and the room was clean, we just needed to finish the movie Contact and then I could turn to the darkness. I had chosen this to watch because it would be a good prelude to an acid trip. That would've been the case if I dropped the cid after the movie ended, but instead my head was already swimming and conceptualizing the movie was a futile chore, so I mostly closed my eyes to tranquilize myself. One other obstacle was that my wife wasn't ready for bed yet, but I was coming up rather quickly, and required solitude for now. She was aware of my suggestive state and volunteered to go to bed early. I could have felt bad about that, but chose not to, lest it impact my trip. I had already avoided watching the Utah Jazz game because if we'd lost it would've soured my mood for the trip (I recorded it and watched it the next day and we won, but I couldn't enjoy it because I wasn't at the point where ego-victories were enjoyable. that was about the extent of my prep-that and avoiding the news).

The energy in my core was brewing with more and more intensity and the "loops" involved with lsd were starting early. I'd lose myself for a while, start getting confused and lost by my visuals, then I'd come back to sober lucidity, and think "this won't be too crazy, no big deal," only to slowly return to the confusion and some fear of what I'd have to do to break through to transcendence once the window for it opened. I didn't want to blow it; these were uncertain surroundings; my residential box, darkness, my mind...not much else. I was very uncertain but remained generally calm and patient. I would begin another downward loop into chaos and madness and wonder if it would be the final one before ego death, only to return to lucidity and reality. I remembered the first time by the campfire was similar: repeating cycles of activity and thought leading up to something, then declining. It got to the point of feeling like I'd been in the loop for an eternity, the first time and this time...and it led me to wonder how long this night would be. I avoided looking at the clock for reference; I didn't want to expect the same things as last time, esp. since there were already big differences. There was more direction and stability from early onset in the woods, but now the cyclical nature of the trip and of all existence was very pronounced very early.

I laid on the floor, closing my eyes and waiting. My thoughts and visuals ranged from disturbing to terrifying to corny to peaceful to funny and everything inbetween. It was as if I was sinking down through the layers of my subconcious, and a mess of imagery flooded out from the hidden corners of my psyche. this was stuff I'd never thought before, and never thought I ever would. I was being shown the culmination of the conceptual mind, what I would have if I relyed only on my mind. As it all flashed before me, all my ego could do is sit in a small corner of my mind, rubbing its index finger against its lips while humming out noise; "pthhpphthtphtpbphthpbtphb" was roughly the noise that came out. I won't attempt to describe the insanity of the visuals; I can only expect other psychonauts to already know what I'm talking about. Often I'd try to hold onto a vision or thought, and it would seize upon me and rule my awareness. Or that would happen without me trying. It was very difficult to detach myself from each thing that seized me, it required a very disciplined ability to stop trying to think, don't try to make sense of it, there isn't any for you.

Up to this point I couldn't keep my eyes and eyelids still when I closed them. Each time I tried, they would pulsate and convulse and pop and bounce. then I concentrated on keeping them closed. the pulsing and popping escalated until I swore on everything I knew, that my eyes and temporal lobe were being electrified. My eyelids slammed and sealed shut, and the whole of my awareness was being seized and manipulated by an electrical force from within. It was the exact same thing that physical therapists use to treat muscles by sending small bursts of electricity through them with wired pads, or that acupuncturists use to send electric stimulation into specific points to recirculate Chi energy. It was real electricity; and the sounds accompanying it were staccato zapping pops then became loud thumping; insomuch that I thought a helicopter was flying in my brain. I could see brilliant flashes of spinning sources of energy. I opened my eyes to see if it was lights from the traffic outside, but it was dark. They came back as I closed my eyes. Whizzing, spinning, buzzing bursts of white light coming from nowhere I was aware of. The best metaphor I can attach to it is a few white butterflies, who are flapping their wings as fast as hummingbirds. This electric, whizzing energy was amazing to hear and to feel. It was like the front of my head was a lightning conductor, and I was attracting benign flashes of cosmic energy. It was a trifle scary to be honest, because this was REAL electricity, as real as being shocked by static from the carpet, only very strong and overpowering. The only thing that kept me from being too scared was the knowledge that I had merely taken some LSD, a nonfatal act, and the electric power was beyond enjoyable. I felt that this energy I was attracting was the raw molecular energy produced by subatomic particles whizzing 'round each other. My perceptional doors had been dilated to the point that I was sensing the whizzing atoms of reality that do this very thing around me all the time. BBL

 

good read.

 

sounds like you had trouble letting go which could be the reason for the pulsating eyes when closed.

your heading in the right direction and it usually takes more than a few trips before one is able to let go, relax and truly enjoy a trip.

you will have better trips in the future, just remember to relax and that we can relax much further than relaxed if you know what i mean.

i have had trips like yours and although i did enjoy and take something from the experience i felt like something was missing. sure enough after i learned to let go (sometimes it helps to take more) i found a truly wonderful experience with the odd fall into insanity but knowing why and how to get out.

try 3-5 hits , start at 3 and work up to 5

and practice meditation sober or with a joint between trips

 

thanks for the remarks. it was totally meaningful; I wanted the insanity, I wanted the challenge. the intensity of the challenge led to doubly exhilirating rapture. The confusion and lostness happened for a special reason. I think the absence of preparation was a thing I was meant to do, because it resulted in this confused state, which offered me a challenge and a chance to experience something totally new, which I will get to. It's hard to type this account in a linear fashion; since it was all in the dark I have very little to go by in terms of chronological events.

You could be right about the popping sensation being a result of difficulty in letting go; either way, it was intensely enjoyable and mystical. It was very difficult to let go in this evironment, and as such I learned a lot about the ego-dissolution process.

So after the electric-eyes thing it was easier to let go and keep my eyes closed. The slumbermask and earplugs did not work out; they felt like they were obstructing my perception and it was a bit suffocating. When you're in a state where you're hearing sights and seeing sounds, the body might feel like it can't breathe because the ears are plugged up. Plus, opening my eyes now and then helped detach myself from counterproductive mental distractions.

So after what seemed like an innumerable amount of loops, scoping the whole range of human emotion, I started to wonder if maybe smoking some greens would help facilitate the rapture. Last time I remember ego death and transcendence came abruptly after smoking herb. So I took a few bong rips from Rajneesh (the strain was Trainwreck, a bit of a head rush), and laid back down. I immediately started feeling claustrophobic and sweaty. My chest was tightening and my heart was racing. I recognized these sensations as the first signs of total ego death, and felt a distinct thrill. The energy was finally going to culminate, one way or the other. I was very curious to see what would result with this imminent explosion of lsd energy; did I do it myself before or did it just happen on its own? I knew I needed to give myself up somehow, but last time I did it with campfire smoke, now in the dark I didn't know how to give up.

So I gave up the darkness; I turned on some gentle ambient music same as last time and laid on the floor with my legs on the couch. I craned my neck upward and focused on the feeling of my back against the floor. Suddenly the floodgates flung open and the pure nothingness of existence rushed through me as if I were a tunnel. through the legs and out my hands. The inferno of energy in my core attached itself to the entirety of all the universe. I was interwoven into the infinitely expansive web of existence; attached as if one "x" in an endless matrix of other "x's" (all of you, all humanity, all matter). We were all attached, heads swirling as if to make sense of it all, tumbling in circular fashion through the emptiness of space as one fluid entity. We were all insignificant but all vitally necessary to the process of existence. Each of us were a small link, with no other purpose than to partially constitute the collective organism that is not to know, only to be.

The unity and nothingness were all I felt. It was so beyond comprehension and so much for my human mind to deal with, that it had no place there whatsoever. I didn't think my ego would interfere with this sea of existence, but having known I was in the place of places, my mind crept in to "look" around and understand what it was that everyone was seeking, to clarify and gain answers. At this I was forcefully ejected from the matrix and back to my state of confused attempts at conceptualizing. It amazed me how easily our ego creeps in there. I went in and out of the web of unity in cyclical fashion as I wrestled with my mortal mind. (to b cont.)

 

The state of deep-oneness with all existence there on the floor might have lasted 20 minutes, it might have been 5. It was hard to tell and it really doesn't matter; in that place time is meaningless as are all attempts of measurement and comprehension. But after losing it by thinking one too many times, I felt I had blown it, and would have to squander the rest of the peak in a debauched state of insane restlessness. My soul screamed in frustration and begged for mercy by being reinstated to the blissful entanglement of all my strangers as one. It was like a constant stiff wind, but it was going through me rather than around me. Before at the campfire the transcendent state was maintained and the emotion of unity was strong, but this introverted type was deep within me, and was intermittent due to not having any crutches to help me. the matrix I melded with seemed consistent with the inner workings of my body or the internal mechanisms of some machine. I was as if one microscopic tooth on one local cog in an unfathomable universal machine. Since there were no visual distractions, I could sense the basic motions of this raw existence, and could almost "see" the raw material around me, which made it more tempting for the rational mind to creep in. I sensed that I was made of a few strands of crystalline fiber, and was inextricably fused to the fibrous neighbor next to me, and we were simply forming a conduit for the brilliant and volatile pure energy flow. We don't create it, but without us as a medium it would not exist. I saw similar crystalline- based structures my first trip, but was observing them as an outsider. this time I melded to it as one; I was it, I was you...

As deep and incomprehensible as this matrix was, I felt a spherical nature to all of it. More cycles within cycles. I could feel the curvature of the earth somehow. We were all clueless about its meaning, and our curiosity fuelled it. I understood what was appealing about the idea of Nirvana, or nothingness. With no distractions around, I could feel the beautiful vacantness of our existence. I felt that those I was connected to I had always been connected to, and could never be detached from. With everything we use to identify and establish ourselves dissolved away, and we see our naked souls, we see that they are bound to each other and there's nothing that can be done about it.

As I realized that I was no longer able to unite with basichood because of my insatiable bastard of a mind, I didn't wonder what to do with myself; I was propelled from the floor toward the bedroom. I would meld with my wife; I knew in my current state I could either humble myself any way I could and be awe-struck by the purity of existence, or I could enjoy the confusing freakshow of insanity I call my mind and suck my thumb for a few hours. I laid beside her without regard to her sleep. She wondered wtf was up with me and what kind of repugnant night awaited her, I just told her that I wanted to be close. What took place was beyond inexplicable, it was the reason for the trip. It was so eternally and universally intimate that I can't begin to offer flaccid words about it unless I can finish, so I'll do that in the next posting.

 

Its always nice to read your trip report. I told you you will need some music at some point. It helps you let go a lot. I love to have energetic music when I am peaking and to smoke some bowl, and if I have to add at that moment a good line of Kethamine or blast of DMT. That strips you completely and the rest of the trip is so bright and you can't miss your "way", it almost looks like you are walking through the desert at night and your "road" is always on light and you can't get lost. But, yea every trip is lesson on its own, and untill it is that way, you know that you are using acid, not abusing.
Well done man!

 

I think I know what you mean, shapeshifter; I feel I tapped into something more genuine than I thought was possible and if a blast or two of DMT would shred away the remaining traces of concept, i might be immersed in the conceptual nothingness that you've described as "too simple to understand..."

I did indeed require music. I wanted to see if empty darkness would be a sufficient vehicle for translation, but there's always some unexpected surprise. I don't know if it would've happened eventually wihout the music, but I'm glad I was willing to cancel my intentions and use the music when I did. But if it had been shpongle, it would've been too much; just more temptation to dissect and analyze. maybe with more practice I can do it with something heavier, but the light ambient sound so far has been one big difference in trip quality. I'm listening to shpongle now though and they're cool to listen to in reminding myself of trip vibes, same with ozric.

*****

As I laid next to her I thought of Leary's commentary on the Brotherhood of Breath. I quoted it in my last account but I don't feel the need to do that now, so to paraphrase, he said you can get close to a person and focus on their breathing and time your breaths to theirs and this can be a vehicle through which universal harmony is delivered. It was in the context of having lost the means to coexist in that state with your own ability to let go, a good description of where I was at the time.

So I timed my breathing to hers; she breathed in as I breathed out. I became a conduit once again, and ethereal link, and she was my opposite or counterpart. The breathing became a circular exchange of living cosmic energy, flowing through me, through her and back through me. This apparently woke her up briefly; she remarked that she felt an energy transfer take place. It was subtler for her, she mostly just felt a rush of energy come through my hand into her. It was a perfect flowing dance and I felt like a link again, a means of moving pure energy into the link next to me, the link that was my wife. And with the feeling that the one I was irrevocably linked to was her, the collective web of humanity and existence made itself present; and I felt as if it shifted from my wife and me flowing in the yin yang pattern to all of united existence flowing beside each other, dancing an eternal circular dance, white flowing with black, darkness flowing with light, good flowing with evil, fullness flowing with emptiness, something flowing with nothing.

At this sensation I was flooded with new electric knowledge, I was seeing a glimpse of what the purpose of human existence is. The reason we exist is so we can wonder why we exist! The detached, embodied, isolated nature of our current existence is the very reason for that existence. We have to feel as if we are separate entites because this is what compels us into action. Wittingly or unwittingly all our actions are attempts at uniting with all existence. Whether it's loving someone, killing someone, making art, making a career, having kids, doing drugs...everything we do is done because of the natural tendency of everything to try to become one. Subatomic particles attract each other, stars and planets attract each other, drops of water meld into each other and develop a new skin together. The process of coming together creates friction, which is a form of energy. I felt that this was the pure energy of existence, and the sum total of all human effort and all nonliving effort in the universe culminated into one cosmic instance: it all moves the basic energy of existence along the transuniversal highway for one microscopic and timeless moment in an eternal chain of Being.

Our natural state is as one collective whole, but in order for the whole to survive and expand and fuction (however that may be), it needs to manifest itself into microscopically fractional segments of itself, and as such those segments spend their existence trying to join together again. the friction created in the attempts to join is the basic energy that creates and propels all existence, but like I said the sum total of energy of our entire universe is enough to advance the total organism an infetismally small amount. Like one grain of sand is nothing on its own, but a big collection of them forms a beach, or a continent, or a planet. Just as atoms themselves are nearly worthless, when joined together in enough numbers they form everything. We are atoms on a different scale, and just as insignificant on our own, but as a whole we are everything, an eternal conduit that exists only to pass on the light and purity of a higher order.

I was acting as a link between links. this was my state of nirvana. It was not a different internal sensation than what I underwent at the campfire, but the mental sensation was vivid, probing, inundating. The feeling of pure coexistence was more pronounced. I was exact equals with my wife and all of you. i sensed the presence of hipforum members, with recognizable but nonhuman faces, all unique and contradictory, but at the body level, all members were connected; no one had his own arms, we all shared them through the fibrous matrix of existence.

I was chuckling a bit and my wife asked why. I said "do you want to know the reason why we exist? it's to wonder why we exist. it compels us to action that is central to creation." She said she doubted that, but she was half-awake, so I didn't entertain it further.

 

good read. again =) good stuff.

 

and I thank you for reading. It's funny because it takes me the amount it would normally take to write 50 words to write one word in this thread. My first account was easier to write; but this trip is so difficult to embody in language format, I read over what I wrote and see that it's good and relevant, but so vastly short of the experience itself. The best ways to describe it are the most cliche and can be the most annoying to those who haven't experienced, like "one with the universe", "dust in the wind", etc.

So you can make of this next part whatever you want; it's pretty chilling and sobering to me...I continued in this blissful interaction with perpetuity by means of the bodies of my wife and me, both fused links in an infinite web system, both dancing the eternal godly dance of life, the yin and the yang...and the sphere of it all was cracked down the center at the sound of my crying 2-year-old. It was not unpleasant and very climactic. In my mind's eye the shattered sphere of the godhead spewed forth the image of a newborn infant, wholly white with no details to see, just a brilliant white silhouette, springing forth out of the remaining shards of its creator. My wife went to check on her as I couldn't help being amused by the fulfilment of a certain visual I had been seeing for a week leading up to the trip, which was a single human figure with the body of an x which then liquified with its surroundings and swirled down and out of a vortex, concentrating to a single point which flashed white and spewed forth a fetus. I had seen the x figure before, now I had been the x figure, and I saw the circular dance of the vortex, now I had danced the danced.

The freaky thing I alluded to is that this took place between 2:30 and 3 am, and the next morning, my wife's friend called to announce the birth of a baby, born unexpected, three weeks early, at 2:47 am. I'm fine to just call it a coincidence, but it makes one wonder.

Not only was there a possible empathic link between me and my wife's celestial dance and her friend's birthing, but the energy of the dance woke the kids up. It was unusual for them to wake up for no apparent reason as many times that night as they did, I'm pretty sure they were feeding off of the trip. they normally feed off my emotions, so it's not outlandish to suggest this. I wasn't making any noise, but the electricity imbuing me spread to their small frames. the 2-year-old was sweating when she woke up, also unusual; She was fine otherwise.

After that I laid next to my wife again and the communion was reinstated, but in various and more subdued forms. Our unity took the form of many different similes, which I'll attempt to describe in the next post. This thread I'm sure won't be as long as my first one, but I still have much more to say. I love you all

 

Being nothing more than a conduit is an indescribable feeling; when I melded with my wife again, instead of a circular and universal coexistence, it was more a liquid one. As I closed my eyes, I felt as if I were water, and the visuals were still there but my liquified self poured through them as quickly as they came. A prominent visual at this time was a human figure, rotating slowly with arms extended overhead as if in a graceful ballet position, the arms following the rotating motion of the body like trails...think of a jellyfish rotating slowly and its tentacles follow and form a swirling vortex shape around the body. It was a quintessential model of serenity. But more was happening with the image; the figure seemed as if in a static pouch, or cocoon...some kind of membrane surrounding her. And outside of the membrane was a current of particulate energy, flowing into and around the human creature. As it passed through, its particles mixed with the particles that made up the graceful humanoid, and slowly and gently pulled them away from the body, down along the current it was heading. The humanoid was unwittingly releasing its own liquified particulate matter into the energy stream. But it was at such a slow pace that you wouldn't be able to tell if you didn't know otherwise. I didn't attach meaning to this, I just enjoyed the flow...I was the liquid, along with my wife; aimless, purposeless, shapeless but at the same time connected, stable, eternal. It was a time when I would've wanted to cry but I didn't; in fact with how many tears I shed at the campsite it was amazing that I didn't produce one tear this entire second trip. I suspect the reason is because with a lot of visual distraction the first time, my soul resorted to crying to provide outlet for the pure stream of energy. But this time it was clear and intimate, and I was a perfect conduit, and no bodily discharge was needed.

(btw another kick ass artist for trip vibes is DJ Disse, songs such as taxi to war, walk on the wild side, night at the fullmoon...incredible)

Another vehicle that provided coexistence was the feather in the wind from the movie Forrest Gump. I felt as if I was a feather blowing in the wind. There's not much to expound on that. The theme song from the movie was playing loudly inside my head also. It was cool, and had more clarity and depth then if I were hearing it live. That feather had caught my attention when I watched the movie again a few weeks ago. I didn't expect to undergo the same thing myself; it was a surprising, hilarious, and beautiful portrayal. I seemed to be getting the impression that there are similitudes describing the transcendent state even in pop culture. This is something I knew before, but as is usually the case with acid it took what i believed before and turned me into it, so I could be it and not just speculate about it.

The rest of this part of the journey was mostly passing through phantasmagoric tunnels as a fluid and universal entity. The tunnel of images was an embodiment of everything, and I was the embodiment of nothing. You might even say my unknown self and my known self traded places; my awareness was as the universal one within, looking at my conscious self as an outsider. I took the place of the infinite energy stream, flowing through the human body and slowly absorbing away its elemental human matter. The phantasmagoria of imagery that was the human creature was chaos, beauty, darkness, light, life , death, and everything inbetween. It simply was the "something" that I normally was, and I was temporarily the blissful "nothing" that is the counterpart of our existence. (to be cont.)

 

I hope I don't sound repetitive in this account. I notice I use the word "existence" a LOT; no other word will do for what I'm trying to express. I should familiarize myself with the vocabulary of eastern shamans, because they've been doing this thing for millenia. It's no wonder the transcendent experience has its own language; regular vernacular is just plain inadequate; not that specialty language does it much more effectively either...I guess it would be more a matter of using a word as an esoteric symbol to remind someone rather than informing them. We can all be reminded of these same principles, it's not a matter of learning them for the first time, just a matter of plucking it out from within the clutter of the fixed mind. One such semantic device is the word our friend Relayer uses, "Namaste." I hadn't heard it till he said it so I looked it up and it has multiple interpretations, generally a greeting to indicate the oneness of the human collection, such as "When I am in the place within and you are in the place within, we are one in that place." I like reverent verbiage such as namaste because it's separated from the typical words we use, and when it's spoken it reminds us of what is absolute within us. Busy rhetorical attempts like mine are fun, but as a vehicle for communicating nirvana they don't do the job; but if they are done without any agenda other than personal reliving of transcendence they can be just as effective as any other expression. That's precisely why I write: it helps me make sense of it but mostly it helps bring it back. I love you guys...I don't say I love you very often, even to my wife because I feel if it's said too often it diminishes in value, plus it's better to show love than to announce it; but I'm a tad high on Oyster Cowboys right now so I just want to say I love you.

The effort of attempting to put this trip into words is frustrating; the ratio of direct experience to delivered meaning was better in the first account. I suppose it was a simpler experience albeit just as pure. I think the depth of my state of unity this second time was possible because of the solitude and darkness. I plunged deep into innerspace; with no physical objects attached to remind me of the experience and for the universe to use as object lessons, it was just my naked soul in its raw state of being; a state of nothing...and the only way to communicate nothing is either by saying everything or by saying nothing.

(has anyone seen this crazy acid trip of a movie from the 70's with Sean Connery called Zardoz? whoa)

After the thing with my 2-year-old waking up sweating, my wife was with our 9-month old getting him back to sleep, so my daughter laid next to me on the bed. I didn't attempt to, but I melded with her. This time it was more like trading places but still we were one. I would stretch out my legs but they felt like they ended at the knee. I had short kid legs. Same thing with my arms; even my perspective changed; much purer and carefree. I thought her thoughts, which were about me and the other members of the family. That's what she thinks about, and her blanket and her sippycup of milk that was a necessary satellite when she goes to bed. I looked at her, as if I were small and she were much larger. Her blond hair was longer and of a purer white color. There was a deep latent wisdom in her eyes, like she existed in a highly advanced state despite this youthful flicker of a body. ugh, all this sitting is compressing my spine something fierce, i'll type again later...

 

the great breakdown of the ego...wow, then the realization that you have been givien a hugh portion by the chef of the universe. and the darkness and silence intr-UH-ospectiooon....damn! i think i'm more of a day tripper. i need those object lessons for my mind to play with or i just sit and twitch. my mind is weak perhaps methinks....

 

yeah dude the night trip is somethin else. sort of an inverted trip; fundamentally the same but it's innerspace and that's why I felt the basic machinery of Being. it was highly challenging but I received harmonies that wouldn't be possible with an extroverted approach. but me, I wouldn't do a night more than 1 in 5 overall trips just because of the challenge and the drain on my body for a few following days. but I think every psychonaut should try it sometime. i'm sure it's a different thing if you trip at nite but don't seclude yourself and close your eyes. being alone in the darkness is the challenging and rewarding environment I speak of.

 

by the way everyone, hollowearth'sreal is my solid friend and trip partner I wrote about in my first account who I called "C". he's definitely my first choice when it comes to who to trip with. if there are 2 general groups of people in the world, he's of the group that doesn't take themselves too seriously.

 

So as the lsd energy waned in intensity, people fell back asleep. My peak was very satisfactory and I was at the point where I had my wits again but was still in a state of subdued rapture, and had discretion about my activites. I wanted to reintegrate myself into unity so i sat in a chair facing a corner that had windows on both sides so I could see the trees outside. It was still dark, so the only light shining on the trees was from the municipal sodium vapor streetlight, the same kind of lamp that nourishes my cannabis plants in the closet. It was a heartwarming coincidence. All i could see outside was the dimly lit foliage around the building. I felt connected to the trees and the limited view of them made it seem like I was in a womb, a womb big enough for the block of city in which I live. Beyond the womb was empty but comforting nothingness. On a negatively charged acid trip, this view might have been scary, claustrophobic, lonely, idk...for me it was cozy, like me and everything in this womb was a microcosm of all existence, tumbling and drifting along in a limitless expanse of space. A rolling stone if you will.

Sitting there in the dark staring out a window at almost nothing appeared goofy and hilarious to my rational self, but my eternal self was serene and actualized.

I thought it'd be cool to play music and close my eyes so I turned on the music channel on tv. It plays just music and has still images of landscapes and the artists of each given song--oh dear my calzone has arrived at the door early; i'll finish this thought after i eat it. it's a good combo:artichoke hearts, kalamata olives, spinach and red onions:chef:

 

alright so I put on the music thing and I was going to immediately lay down, but the image of the artist on the tv really stuck out to me. It appeared to be my friend, who in my last account I called "J". I had been thinking about him the day before because I heard that he had a bad trip. This image of him onscreen was a profile shot, and he was staring at a fixed point in space, and he was engulfed in the same particulate energy flow that I saw encasing the humanoid in my CEV's before. The same thing was occurring; the infinite stream was slowly peeling away particles from the person as it flowed past. This recurring visual of the stream was incredibly pleasant, and here it was surrounding my friend's fixed self in a beautiful commentary on the interchangability of life and inanimate matter and the temporary state of the physical human condition. I felt that J would enjoy his existence more if he felt this subtle energy flow that is carrying him off into eternity the same as the rest of us. It doesn't take hardcore beliefs, just a sense of humility and unassuming openness.

This same liquid running through solid pattern was a theme as I closed my eyes again; a sandbar in a river, a kite in the wind, but mostly the humanoid figure standing in the current, or dancing the dance of life while the stream of particles inundated him away. I felt like I had been the liquid during the peak, and now I was reassembling into the fixed humanoid while the liquid continued flowing and I continued being a part of it. that's terribly hard to explain, so I won't really try..(tbc)

 

These moments on the couch with the ambient music were a simple state of coexistence, that I can't expound on further without using repetitive metaphors. During this time the sun had started coming up, and I made the realization with a jubilance whose fervency can be compared to that of an 8-year-old on christmas morning; but it was unexpected. I had pretty much forgotten about the existence of daytime. I had gotten so used to the innerspace enabled by the darkness it never occurred to me that there would be another day.

I looked out the window at the shrubs and trees; all the leaves were spinning or whizzing at underlying levels. It was similar to the electric whizzing and popping sensation I underwent at the beginning of the trip. Everything around me was dancing the same dance of life that I had experienced so vividly, but at more rapid speeds. I commented exhaustively on the oneness with nature and rebirthing sensation in my first account, so I'll suffice it to say that that all occurred here too.

I noticed I was hungry and had a headache. I knew hunger gave me headaches, as did lack of sleep, so it might have been both reasons. I got a banana, apple, and cookie from the kitchen. It was total heaven biting into the fuji apple; i felt its living enzymes meet mine and celebrate life. It felt like a new living organism was working its way through my body as I ate it. New energy spread from my stomach out through my limbs. I wondered if maybe I should have eaten earlier in the night. It was like my body was being resurrected one cell at a time. It was a deeply intimate experience with that apple. I sobbed a bit at the amazing gifts of mother earth and the lack of gratitude for it we show in general. The banana was equally amazing, but it actually filled me up.

Then I bit into the white chocolate/macadamia nut cookie; all the living energy that had been circulating in my body came to screeching halt. i felt my body scream "you cheated!" I put the cookie back in the kitchen as my body slowly forgave me and continued harnessing the living power from the fruit. To be told by my body that I ate crap wasn't new, to be told with such a loud voice and with such a direct sense of how the crappy food affected my living processes; it seemed like there was a parent inside me screaming at me for taking a cookie from the kitchen and I meekly put it back where i found it with one bite out of it. to b cont.

 

thats alot of reading man and i am sad to say that i am to messed up right now to go through all of it
although i did read the first few posts
and a suggestion to better feel the trip is listen to some music
and smoke some weed both will help relax you and make the comeup more enjoyable

 

Good read again. Had few similar experiences. Didn't like it very much when it happened first time. At first I could not dig that nothingness. Until I recognized it was the same thing shown different way. Which happened during the trip when I finnaly did a let go. Ha, ha, is it nothing or everything? As my friend said: "Do we love it? You don't have to like it to love it."

 

yeah that's how I felt about all the craziness and confusion involved with this trip. certain parts weren't exactly pleasant, but enjoyable in a bizarre way and especially as time passed. the vanity of the conceptual mind had been exposed to me before, so I was ready for any exhibition of the fact. it was all very educational and I felt like I got some raw training in ego dissolution. that's one reason I wanted to trip alone in the dark without a lot of prep: I basically wanted to give myself a greater challenge and I felt greater rewards as a result.
***

after eating the fruit I still felt a headache, so I assumed it was because I didn't get any sleep. I wanted to lay down again but my head hurt too bad; it was surprising because the first time I tripped I didn't have pain as bad but I was even more under-rested. I guess tripping at night was the difference. I would've taken oxycontin if I had some, so I settled for a 800mg ibuprofen, after a mental wrestling match as I remembered how much my body resented me when I bit the cookie before. but I eventually concluded that it was an absurd pursuit to totally avoid artificial substances living in modern society, and my body conceded this reasoning.

the ibuprofen was pure heaven. I didn't realize how much pain I was actually in until it kicked in. I think my openness from the acid made me more accessible to the ibuprofen. I was able to lay down again and enjoy the visions, mostly the same themes as before. I think I slept for a couple hours, but it wasn't the kind of sleep I was used to. it was more like I became those visuals so much that I wasn't perceiving anything; I couldn't taste the sugar because I was the sugar.

I had promised my wife she could sleep in because of the erratic evening, and I had forgotten this fact as I heard the morningly stirrings of the two kids and wondered why she wasn't tending to them. I got the 2-yr-old out of the kids room and let the 9-month-old sleep in. I had no idea what the normal routine was so I just put on a simpsons episode since I knew we both liked that show. it hadn't been too long since i'd seen this episode but it was HILARIOUS. I laughed so loud I didn't know I could find something so funny that I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. it must have rendered my wife's attempts at sleeping in futile. I would have wondered what was so hilarious if I was her. so she came out and joined us as well as the small one. she was also unfamiliar with the morning routine with the kids, so we didn't really know what they wanted without empathic signals from them to me. when the baby cried, he sent his need to me through some ethereal medium, and I abruptly felt his hunger sensations, informing my wife that it was food he wanted.

but later a more complex feeling was communicated. after he had eaten he was on my wife's lap looking stoic. my wife asked me what he was thinking and it didn't register straight away. I knew I was getting something from him, but it wasn't as simple as hunger. it eventually sank in...he really, really likes his mom. he felt grounded yet enabled ber her presence, like she was holding his kitestring and that allowed him to soar high and wide. his attitude changed when he was near her, and he looked at his surroundings with more calmness and certainty. it might have been hard to see this right away because she pretty much has this effect on me as well, especially in the comedown condition. I was without my own identity that morning. for me there was no me, it was just us. I saw the unfiltered codependence that prevails, and it reinforced the notions of convivial equality. a family isn't so much a hierarchy as it is a fraternity or a fellowship; a homogenous entity to coexist in the endless ocean of emptiness we call eternity. I think dysfunctional families are that way because the parents are "in charge", and since the family is detached from nature, the kids' conceptions of God consist in what the parents say about it. which is okay in a society that's connected to its natural roots, where the kids can feel god in nature despite what is otherwise said about it. but nowadays you get kids thinking that it's all bullshit or there's something spiritually wrong with them for seeing the futility and emptiness of religion as an earthly institution.

sorry to speak of family so much; that's just what the trip did. it was deeply intimate and inward-focused. I doubt i'll do this type of trip very often; it was amazing and I have no regrets, it was just an intense challenge and was very draining.