good with advice!? i need your imput

its about my dad. hes 49 years old and has old school itailan values. hes been very depressed latly and i dont know what to do. he thinks that when us kids dont clean our rooms or wash the dishes or fold clothes that we dont love him. i decided to talk to him tonight because he looked like he was going to cry. he told me that if we dont love him we dont respect him and that he wont give us any respect back. he thinks that we go out of way to make his life terrible. he also keeps on thinking about who will take care of him after all his kids go to college or move. hes scared to grow old and thinks he'll die alone when hes 60. i dont know what to do or say. for me i think its easier for me because after i graduate in a few months ill be out of my house but for my brother and sister they still have a couple years. my dad doesnt understand why i dont want to stay with him and i told him its my turn to live my own life and start it. he and my mom taught me everything that they thought was important and now i can go and live. he thinks my ideas on life are ridictulous. i cant talk any sence into him! what should i do or say?

 

He means well, really he does. My parents weren't much different in the "clean rooms=respect + love. The moving out thing they couldn't wait.

I think many parents fear letting their kids going out into the world because they know how hard it is. Talk to him from your heart and let him know that you can be on your own because he and your mother have raised you so well. Also let him know that just because you are moving out doesn't mean you won't still be part of the family.

I think on some level we all have to parent our parents sometimes. I have to force mine to make dr appointments and make sure they acyually go. My husband and I spend quite a bit of time helping my parents with yardwork, washing the dog etc. They are in their 60's, and do fine on their own, but when we help they know they will never have to worry about being alone and it comforts them.

It would amaze you how many parents get dumped in a retirement home and ignored by thier kids.....so your dad does have a valid worry based on that. He doesn't know that you won't be like that because you haven't gotten there yet. Reassure him that you will always be there when he NEEDS you, but not always when he WANTS you.

Parents are funny, and you will understand your dad a lot better when you have a family of your own. Until then try to remember that you are his "baby girl" and you will need to hold his hand while he gets used to the idea of you leaving the nest.

Yeah, it is time to live your own life. Live it, and enjoy yourself....but never forget how valuable your parents have been, and will be, in your life. They will be gone long before you are ready for them to be.

 

He's depressed and/or having a midlife crisis. You are not responsible. It isn't your fault and I doubt if anything you do will change things.

 

i just worry about him. he thinks hes going to get cancer and be in very poor health when he gets old. hes healthy currently but he thinks something bad will happen. i feel bad hes living his life in fear in a way.

thanks though for your advices

 

hmm sounds sad i think you just really need to reasure him that you love him and that your relationship wont change when you go away

i think when you do go away you need to make sure you visit as much as possible though and probably call because he does love you alot!

 

Sounds like you need to hook your dad up with someone from GreenSingles... he's lonely, he needs someone...

Someone. He's getting older, and if he's alone... that's exactly what he needs. My dad has been depressed for the last twenty years, and now after being single for twenty years, (since I was born), he got himself a really really good girlfriend. Now he's happy.

 

when it comes to dating women, my dad is very shallow. he only dates young big boobed women

 

Well thats not shallow.

He's just lucky. I know that it would be hard for you, but if dating beautiful women makes him happy then let him do it.

 

i agree that he is having a mid-life crisis, the fact that he is depressed and only dates young big boobed women tells me this.

i can relate though, my dad is an old school italian as well. he makes me feel guilty for things i have no control over. my advice is to simply carry on as normal, but talk to him. make an effort to spend time with him.

 

first of let me say this; there is no such thing as a "mid-life crisis!" that is just pop psychology. that concept is pure bullshit. now from what i hear you saying, your father sounds like he has been slapped hard in the face by what philosophers, psychologists and, theologians call "existential reality." your dad may seem depressed but, underneath that depression is what is called "existential anxiety." you said your dad is "sallow" well, existential anxiety hit people harder the older they get. it is easer to deal with the younger you are, when you first become aware of existence. i started to become aware of existence when i was around 8 years old but, it is extreamely uncommon for someone to start becomming aware of it at that young an age. the way for your dad to resolve this is, to let it run it's course. the way out of this is through it; but, alas, most people can not stand to deal with the existential anxiety! there are two types of anxiety. existential anxiety is normal... it is a part of what makes us human. it says we need to deal with and grow through this. the other type of anxiety is toxic and needs to be treated. i hate to tell you this but, from what you have said it, sounds like your father won't deal with this in healthful way. there is thought always the chance that people can suprise us. i hope your father is one of those people.